[Week 1] nO gOoD! vs nom

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 16, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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    VOTING


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    test
  2. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    good luck nom.

    Checkin in.
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
    test
  3. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    good luck ng.

    also checkin in.
    test
  4. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    When the blinds broke the sky to sculpt
    A new day the few brave cried and sulked
    As pillow cases covered faces like cheap masks
    I realised this was how any bad dream starts

    I woke in a theme park sun kissing the earth
    As dust tickled her skirt she giggled at first
    ‘til she saw my true intent was hidden with words
    And every night time breath left the rhythm disturbed
    Cast aspersions on this simpletons verse
    So I drew sticks around her feet left a kiss in the dirt
    A gift in the curt ways I wound my truth
    Like fingers round her throat ‘til they sounded new
    A whimper only found in blues she cried and ran
    With bruises on her wrists like a tyrants tan
    I’m another pied piper with a righteous plan
    She ran open armed I kept my Pontius Pilate stance
    And cried openly when the tides tied my hands
    With a rope around my neck too tired to dance
    So when the trap door swung, I refused to breathe
    Short drop sharp shock eyes open watch the bruises leave

    I watch the bruises leave holes in my skin
    The scene breaks a thief takes to shouldering sin
    Drowning myself so sober I spin a sordid mess
    When I close my eyes I find I’m short of breath

    Still looking for my cause of death in this hell hole
    Muscles raw and fingers burning but I felt cold
    I fell slow watching childhood films on repeat
    With a child as timid as me skinning his knees
    Playing football in the garden and similar themes
    Painting a rose tint away from these sinners and thieves
    The background shimmers and bleeds
    As rocks fill my mouth hindering speech
    It plants a seed of suffering for what the child could be
    When he turns around to smile at me
    I can see the sights that he sees
    But still nothing comes out when I try to scream
    I tie my bad deeds together as a safety net
    Leap with eyes closed try to erase my debt
    But the film keeps playing until the child dies
    I wake with the sounds that only a choir hides

    The choir hides the fact I’m sleeping
    With arms folded but the passions fleeting
    Trapped in dreams when the music stops
    And they kick the chair out like abusive cops

    I woke with only short straws and drew my lot
    Time stopped like a ruined watch now the ruse is shot
    In the ensuing stop motion animation I know I’m dead
    Blood covering my torso and frozen legs
    Filled with no regret or so I said as I chose my death
    Over living through this hell as ghosts collect
    This sober thread and throw it round my neck
    As I paint a smile on my face like a clowns respect
    Sounding out each word that I wanted to say
    To find out if it’s true that honesty pays
    I scratch out a sonnet and pray for a second chance
    To play second fiddle to devils if heaven asks
    Let my penance cast shadows on a peasants farce
    The sheep with the golden fleece when the shepherd asks
    I’ve got a message to pass on when the light arrives
    But when my eyes open once more I fight surprise

    A blighted prize when I see that I won’t wake
    As every dream steps up to hope break
    A ghost takes a step in the right direction
    As blinds break a sky and the light reflects it


    Every time you wake up from a scary dream, you're in another...
    test
  5. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    My apologies nom. Sorry for wasting your time this week
    test
  6. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    a tough subject to tackle and you hit it beautifully....

    i didnt get too into your piece but your writing ability was great as it kept me reading nonetheless

    looking forward to seeing the "champ" up against some competition

    keep doing your thing bro and i suggest you post this in the open mic sooo u can get more feedback
    test
  7. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Simple PheNOMenal.. I loved the multi rhymes how they were placed they kept with the fluidity of the story, everything was put together precisely and i felt that it was delivered confidently and powerfully, you managed to draw on emotion, and catch the spirit of your character. opener was strong as was the closer and everything in between kept me interested.

    one part the wording felt off or i didn't catch what your trying to describe

    "A blighted prize when I see that I won’t wake
    As every dream steps up to hope break"
    test
  8. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

    Joined:
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    Incredible
    Nom, I'll have to face you again.
    test
  9. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

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    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Nom - Gunna offer just critique. well, you never have any shortage of metaphors, similes. Almost every line is imagery and in most places it's absurd in a good way. Killing it with these lines:

    I woke in a theme park sun kissing the earth
    As dust tickled her skirt she giggled at first


    So I drew sticks around her feet left a kiss in the dirt

    This sober thread and throw it round my neck

    As I paint a smile on my face like a clowns respect

    Is that a smile? lol

    and...

    A blighted prize when I see that I won’t wake
    As every dream steps up to hope break
    A ghost takes a step in the right direction
    As blinds break a sky and the light reflects it


    that's crazy good^ (1st line I would removed "when")

    Ok, so what I am saying is that in this verse I got mad lost, because you are consistently a reflective, emotion/observation type of writer...relying heavily on imagery (metas similes etc) and they got in the way on this one. I'd let off the gas a bit and pace a clear time/place/setting/plot that is unmistakable then plant some bombs of imagery and this would just blow up. imo too much imagery clogs up a piece. though, your rhymes were just nasty man. Great job on those. hell hole/felt cold was better than bell toll. you had the multi, mine was strong r.

    peace niggah
    test
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Nom wins via destruction
    test
  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom wins by no show
    test
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