[Week 1] Breathless vs Coup d'etat

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jan 16, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    You Got Quicksand in My Hourglass! ................
    ................ You Got Hourglass in My Quicksand!


    [​IMG]



    we're really growing weary of this cycle of repeating cycles, and that's final
    all the while going nowhere while we're here as we are, and that's final
    finally seeing the circle slowing to a close is only the start of it's backspin
    when we finally close in on the gnosis notion, it's the start of it's backspin

    what don't ya get man? ... this is our path
    stuck in the quicksand ... of an hour glass
    all yer kickin' an' screamin' ... won't get you very far
    you'll hit the bottom faster ... no matter where you are
    if you wanna escape now ... you've gotta lay down an' wait it out
    have some faith in havin' patience when you're facin' yer fate in doubt
    yea, I know how it may sound ... as if there's a way around this
    but if you ain't found it yet, then you truly may have found it
    this is the a paradox of life and death...
    the more you struggle to survive...
    the less time is spent...
    burying you alive...except...
    there's an end to these seemingly unnecessary means
    a lesson in it's message, carried deep beneath it's seams
    once you've reached the bottle neck
    and you're about to drop down into the sorrowful abyss
    realize this...
    you'll be up on top of all the problems that once bothered you...
    you'll finally understand every last little grain of truth
    at least ... until the next time it flips

    and the movement resumes
    it all begins anew again
    as if consumed in sin
    but, is it eternal punishment...
    to be entombed, then exhumed, from the womb of this planet
    the all too true altruistic humanism...considered doom...or is it?
    whether it's a fragment of a fossil in an archeological find
    or the better half of man's consciousness being found within our mind
    the fragile glass shatters after so many fractured moments of time
    but remember this ... that glass ... was once sand ... and so goes the rhyme...
    an' the reason ... and the motive behind the real reason we're alive
    we're here to find we're here to find the real reason we're alive

    we're really growing weary of this cycle of repeating cycles, and that's final
    all the while going nowhere while we're here as we are, and that's final
    finally seeing the circle slowing to a close is only the start of it's backspin
    when we finally close in on the gnosis notion, it's the start of it's backspin​
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
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    Tell your kids everything they need to know before you die

    All I ever needed to know

    My dad wore

    Serpent boots, swayed full of Crocodile slacker
    All Southern snake oil, mad style, all swagger
    His footwork? Always rollin like Church bell tolls
    He boomed Sunday pulpits, on actual hell holes
    Around his bible-belt, hung The Holy Scripture
    Placed in his waist, as a way to spit it's picture
    His eyes? White bleach cut from Persian azure
    Stone cold set, read Sermons sharp as razors
    Two Lanky arms waved, fist-pumped his chest
    Leather skin flexed his bone, all stumps no flesh
    Hundreds came weekly as he bit Thou Bible
    Licking a grin, spiting scrips bout' the Bayou
    He spoke straightway as the Antebellum Pope
    In Baton Rouge Parish in that bullet proof hope

    ***
    That was my pop, twenty five years ago
    All remembered him as 'that guy', hysterical
    I never welcomed him nor his poor Church folk
    Bunch of old bums praying over sick fur coats
    I snorted peppermint venom, blown it high
    Walked lines of Angel dust, blazed eyes wide
    He wore neck ties, I wore sunglasses in service
    The lens of Truth, reflecting back nervousness
    Pop said Christ is He, He is Christ- Believe me
    Life is not easy, Jesus twice said, 'Repent Ye'
    I twisted Mary Jane in bed sheets, hot jams
    Smoke rings blew her cherry pie, MMM-damn
    I never heard my pop, to what he said, ever
    That eccentric pasture, Louisiana's fanfare
    What he stands for, his answers...bastard
    He was a crock in beige alligator kleen skins
    People were blind not me, they believed him

    But

    What he said the day he was shot dead
    When his soul blotched out by hollow hot lead
    He was giving a sermon, on not being saved
    That day is the burden, tomorrow be afraid
    I remember,... I remember specifically that day
    To what he said to me initially and always...

    A madman came up to him by gun point
    Said in a metallic voice, hating sun light
    "Riddle me this Pastor, is God Real ?"
    The firearm took aim, pompous zeal
    Pops didn't answer his question
    A bullet suppressed and ejected
    Pops fell and gave up the ghost
    His soul sent like a parcel of post

    The look in his eye was Legion
    A thousand fold and one reasons
    He stood and smiled when it struck
    Bullet to the eye, the trust that took...
    He showed everything I needed to know
    That, if you can stand up for God
    You can stand up to any man...

    Now, I wear
    Serpent boots, swayed full of Crocodile slacker
    All Southern snake oil, mad style, all swagger




    .
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  4. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    Breath - I found your writing to be an interesting take on this picture. I actually didn't expect anything like this which was really nice to see. The rhymes and flow were ok. The lines were a bit stretched in areas where it really didn't need to be. I understood in some areas you were stressing the 'cycle' you were trying to portray but this can be dangerous in places because the story becomes too repetitive to really enjoy. I also wanted you to develop the story a bit more so as to draw the reader in to story and control the reader's emotions with your words. Still i very much enjoyed the creative and different spin you put on this. I have a feeling you will hard to beat once you take your time and develop a story. Good work!


    Coup - "Licking a grin, spiting scrips bout' the Bayou " this line kind of urked me mainly because scrips isn't the same as scripts. I know, something small but you excelled at everything else lol. The flow was great and the rhymes were solid. What I really like was that you used your descriptive perfectly here. You described things that mattered to the story and left out things that didn't matter. For example, you gave a lot of descriptions of the father but minor details to his death which was good because his death isn't what was needed to remembered, Clever. Also i wanted you to say of Legion since Legion was of a strong demon. How you said it could cause confusion since legion also was a number for an army. Still an impressive story.


    V/ Coup for having a more solid story
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  5. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
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    Breathless -- Very good topical, but this verse has no story to it at all. Good imagery as you describe the "paradox of life and death". It reminds me of what some guest on Oprah said one day, "Life is too short for celery sticks." Or what someone once told me, "If you exercise every day you are more likely to add 10 years on your life...the problem is you spend those 10 years exercising." Your verse is very poetic at times, and has some good internal feminine rhyme hinting at a taste of quality (letting me know you took your time on it). I love the canvas you paint where the reader feels as though he himself is inside the hourglass, I really connect with this image when you write, "onve you've reached the bottle neck". Great overall metaphor and I love the fact that you have metaphors within metaphors throughout. I like this bar "e fragile glass shatters after so many fractured moments of time
    but remember this ... that glass ... was once sand ... and so goes the rhyme..." I don't like the ending. Everyone knows we need to find a reason that we're alive. You should have dug deep down in yourself and found the hidden subconsious answer you had for the meaning of life. You could have crafted it a number of ways. And I am sure you do have an answer otherwise all the preceding lines would not have came out the way they did. I felt as though you were leading me somewhere and then you disconnected yourself from yourself and ended it with "we're here to find the real reason we're alive
    ".

    Back to the part that I mentioned early...you did not develop a story. I think a good route to take is to simply add a few words and instead of saying "you" say "Johnny" or "Timmy". Add few lines, talk about how Johnny is bipolar or has alzhiemers ( in a poetic way ofcourse). But you should really try to take your poetic ability and form it into a story. Don't get me wrong this is a great poem/verse but the RSTL really appreciates one's ability to develop a story in 64 lines or less.


    Coup -- Serpent boots....first two words glistened with irony and metaphor. Always count on Coup to get his readers thinking right off the back. Lol, I can tell you were struggling with your rhyme....you forced some, seems as though sometimes you added rhyme in there just so it could rhyme and keep the RSTLers happy...

    O and it would be "East Baton Rouge Parish"....just a tip....There is no Baton Rouge Parish....or if you are talking about an actual "Catholic" parish then you have to put "in A baton rouge parish"

    "MMM-Damn" lmfao one of those rhymes that took you a while to think of huh?

    I really love this bar, "Serpent boots, swayed full of Crocodile slacker;All Southern snake oil, mad style, all swagger" and I like that you repeated it at the end and tied it in. Father and son's connection. The message: No matter how hard you try the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. This was a good verse, and had a hint of a story to it, but it was nothing major. I've read much better from you here in RSTL and I think you're just a little rusty getting back into the RSTL form of writing, because your stuff in the Poetry Forum has been pretty nice.

    More about this verse: I don't like that a madman showed up out of nowhere. You have to make your story connect. Give some foreshadowing or allusion to the conflict. Build your story to reach your conflict. If your build was not to lead me to the conflict/climax then what purpose did it serve? Yes you developed characters but character development is not part of a story. Character development is a byproduct of writing a story. Try to think about that next, if you think I'm making any sense.




    Vote: Breathless

    I give it to Breathless because his verse was much more enjoyable and pulled me in extensively. Coup did tell a better story but I don't think it was much of a more developed story than his opponent's. Infact, I see their story development almost very similar. They both described an external force (Breathless described life & time and Coup described a Pastor Daddy). Therefore, since Coup's story was only little better than Breathless' I gave my vote to the one I enjoyed reading the most and felt more a part of.
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  6. lyricalpriest

    lyricalpriest Rap Games Dawson Creek

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    Breathless:I liked your verse. It was entertaining poetic. artisitc. not to much of a real story line, but it still come together at the end.. but instead of sending a message you left with a statement.. you just made a statement thunny sorta like previously said you shoulda detailed what the paradox ment to you and enlighten us a bit give us something to think about..

    Coup: Wow.. two back to back solid classic verse's this is VOW potential IMO.. as for all the rhymes story line etc. i have no gripes you did force your rhymes which i was displeased with but hey ur never where the rhyme wizard of the rstl no, you strength lies in your imagery and word choice. how you describe stuff with a very metaphorical intellectual view.

    this battle was close... but it's clear to me that

    Coup get's the W
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  7. Insanevillian

    Insanevillian STILL in CHARGE

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    breathless.... im gonna be honest... it was a grerat topical... but the topic itself didnt pull me in.... i think you have a great writing style, the opening four bars and the last four repeating bars were stretched.... but needed for the prose you laid down... no story to follow... and like i said i wasnt feeling the original topic choice but you flipped it well considering the circumstances

    coup... his story pulled me immediately with his vicab and description.... the story itself, well once it got down to the climax where you realized he was gonna die... was quite predictable... but enjoyable... its predictable cuz i know you are a man of god... "the tebow" of the league, but it was interesting to see how a man learned to follow god... the irony is it took his death for him to realize gods power... i wish this delicious truth of the story could of been elaboratyed on more and the emotions of the turn as the son became a believer after his pops died and followed in his footsteps...

    sooo a topical verses a coming of age story... i really liked the story over the topical as i can find more things to relate to in the story than in the topical, as i was waiting for something profound to bne said

    vote coup e tat... i was more engrossed with the writing and it pulled me in more
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  8. nom is dull.

    nom is dull. but shines up pretty.

    Joined:
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    coup - first thing to get being a dick out of the way. 'His soul sent like a parcel of post' i really fucking hated. it felt incredibly jarring when i got to because i'd been taken into the tale early on and was really enjoying it then bam. there's nothing i hate more than a half arsed simile. just 'parcel of post' just seemed a bit meh. another thing i read this just after i'd posted mine and i'd spent bloody ages trying to think of a good rhyme for hell hole, then i read yours and saw you went with bell toll. and thought fuck, why didn't i think of that? so i liked that is what i'm saying. the rest of it was good too, did have some issues with a few bits of your rhyming seeming a bit jarring but nothing major. especially liked some of the wording and especially the 'snorted peppermint venom' bit. some of the middle i felt dragged although oddly i feel that if the piece were longer it could've more naturally which would've aided it.

    breath - wasn't a big fan of the starting bit of the second stanza. the breaks in it made it really boring for me, almost making it feel like an old school call and response type thing and made it feel really dated to me and i was really hoping to just get past it. made the flow really jarring on it. overall i just felt the entire piece was a bit of nothing really. the writing was decent enough to pull it through but i just felt no connection to it and found myself getting a bit bored by it. having said that i did enjoy the enjambment on 'and so goes the rhyme...
    an' the reason ... '

    just felt quite natural and really helped with the later sections of the piece.

    vote - coup
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  9. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
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    1,177
    breathless - the way you interpreted that picture was beyond creative.
    I've been thinking this over since you posted it.
    Enjoyed the offbeat rhyme scheme more my second read through because after that second stanza ended, you promptly explained what I was trying to comprehend.
    these lines stuck out to me the most:
    whether it's a fragment of a fossil in an archeological find
    or the better half of man's consciousness being found within our mind
    the fragile glass shatters after so many fractured moments of time
    but remember this ... that glass ... was once sand ... and so goes the rhyme..


    Eloquently spoken observations of time, and human existence.
    but it felt more like a statement about the cycle being redundant then a story. I was looking for a conclusion.. something to signal an end to some journey.. I could only find well spoken points. Very good poem, regardless.

    Coup - If you meant that "MM damn" line ending to sound as careless as smoking weed is.. I enjoyed it. If not.. it still sounded pretty good.
    Lines like "all southern snake oil, mad style, all swagger," or
    "He was a crock in beige alligator kleen skins
    People were blind not me, they believed him"
    left me wondering how I felt about about the character.
    So.. I was manipulated. Nicely done.
    It seems you tried less hard to make the parts sound catchy that contained the most important messages. So the messages stood out more... but I would have enjoyed the entire piece a little more if the plot points were woven in with rhyme.
    I may have not felt the impact of the statement as much because I felt like story time ended and he's your message. but.. then YOU wore the serpent boots, all swagger.
    Excellent feeling to the entire piece, couldn't miss the point if I tried.

    Win- Coup in my opinion won... told more of a story. Other factors in my decision were the character development, that final unexpected twist, and the indirect way he told his child "all he needed" to know before he died.
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  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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  11. nO gOoD!

    nO gOoD! Life Music :: Press Play

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    breathless.. really nice writing in some spots. and others it didn't flow to me at all and read like poetry. not bad though. I just had some difficulty following the rhythm of the whole thing. the story on the other hand was quite good. I like your style or writing, I want to see more structure to it though. tighter lines and more rhymes.

    coup ... story was good, and your flow was nice as well.. I like the first few lines and how it got my attention. really nice work here. I really enjoyed how your story developed and how you brought us readers into a little history in the story :)

    v - coup
    Biotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...
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  12. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

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    Breathless: I really didn't dig the opening and closing lines. The flow was too stretched and they just weren't terribly good IMO. That being said, the meat of your verse was dope as fuck. Your rhymes are very smooth and fluent and it makes for an easy read. You could polish up your mechanics a bit (too many syllables in some areas, some forced rhymes, etc.), but overall it was a dope concept/use of a topic and a pretty well-written verse.

    Coup: Really good verse. Rhymes were good, it was a pretty fluid read, and the concept was a really nice twist. I like how you made it pretty ambiguous, and really you could relate this situation to damn near anything, even though a specific circumstance was used. The wording was probably your strongest asset. Very poetic, and while you didn't take a break, you managed to keep the material rather clear, which is pretty hard to do.

    Vote: Coup.

    Good battle.
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  13. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Coup wins 7 to -1
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  14. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Coup wins 7 to -1
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