Vocal Sayings #2

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by bagglad, Dec 10, 2010.

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  1. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    Vocal Sayings #2

    brown and soft don't know what to say plus your butt sways from side to side
    when you stride down the sidewalk, your hair blow as our affair grows very wide
    tender and attractive I render you active for sex and girl you need help and
    nervous please accept my service and kisses look in the air and crumble
    in stress say a prayer to humble access the pies under your dress can't grumble
    about that and girl you dominate so let me calm your cake you can read
    my palm over a steak wanna accomplish and complete my mission
    Got my unique vision on you for sex tonight our lips in collision
    Before falling on the bed and stalling my head in wet decisions
    I'll run across roads hun for a soft load for your boss code of tonguing
    Like Keith Sweat and Joe you make me wanna test ride and be cumming
    While your panties drop to the ground while you moving them candies all
    Around girl you fought back but I'm caught in the act of wanting some yall
    So I'm thrill in America ready to fulfil the character of player wanna date
    Boo and cake to let me take you home that’s where sex roam no escape
    wait Rhyme you can't anticipate my mind boys make mistakes sometimes
    you hood made probably get good grades but I'm afraid but not a fool and declines
    sex, love talk can be dummy quotes and funny jokes but nine months later it
    can front like an alligator could have a baby and be tied down make you a hater legit
    not so quick to give another boy some because when he in it and the butter cum
    so RHYME I have to be a slick dame with a nickname panties quick to flame some
    when a boy whispers in my ear a mister sincere when it’s clear he only wants sex
    so RHYME I think you want cake and toys so you can make noise in bed the next thing
    I know you're breaking the headboards while the mattress squeak and bang-O-ling
    Wanna stay in it long like Trey Songz so the neighbors will know your name because
    The behavior of a dame is to scream and cream a lot it’s a long walk with no flaws”
    test
  2. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

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    Alright dawg, you need to shorten your lines. They're stetched out a ton. Since they're stretched out it's hard to me to find a nice flow to it so it throws off how I read it. Write while you're listening to a beat and make sure it fits to the beat. Spit it with it and you'll find out certain things you do that either make or break it. Outside of that though, I really like your word choice. You're choosing to rhyme good words together and that really stuck out to me. Your rhyme scheme is cool too. I see a lotta interior rhymes, which are definitely good.

    I think you know what you wanna do with your writing, but I think you just need to execute it better. You got good things in place, just don't stretch those lines out. Shorten things up and keep it compact and you'll be amazed at how much better it sounds. I can definitely see potential here and that's why I'm tellin you all this, lmao. If I thought it was just trashed I woulda passed right over it but you got that potential, so keep it up and keep working. It'll all come together real good soon, homie. 1
    test
  3. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    test
  4. Radical Sun

    Radical Sun New Member

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    I think Ace covered everything.
    You def. got some good rhymes in there.
    test
  5. bagglad

    bagglad Member

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    thanks ace and radical for the props and critiques
    test
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