From within I dwell thought overtake me. I am angry, hurt I feel betrayed by my own being. I can not escape what is in me and if it is in me to wait for sex I should not be scolded for it. It was once held in high regards to wait until one was ready to have intimate relations. However what if that choice was taken from you and now you can’t see to do it after already conceiving and birthing a child. For this is my burden. I am twenty-five in age and unlike many women my age I can not willingly give myself to another person without the feeling of guilt after it is over and done with. No matter what the situation and as pure as it may be in or out of the bonds of marriage I do not wish to give myself to a man. Give my self to man so that he can have me for the pleasure of flesh and then toss me away like a discarded newspaper after using what parts he needed. In just those words giving myself that it in itself should say most of it. I am giving a piece of me that I hold sacred. I feel as if I am not able to. However I am seen, as odd and freakish just for these reasons I have to explain my whys. And hear the whys. It is not fair for me to have to wait. You have obligation as a wife to perform your duty’s and now it is my job to have my flesh merge with a mans against my will. In other term it seems as if it were rape. But within the bonds of marriage it is a duty. Now granted I have always said yes however I cannot escape the way I feel when the deed is complete. It feels as if no amount of water and soap can take the dirt off that I feel on me. To say the word rape as if I were pined down is not correct in the terms you envision in your mind. I do lay naked and perform. That is all it is a performance to avoid the repercussion that the dreaded word no will bring. When that word exits my lips I am treated as a she-devil. So I feel I must perform so into character I go. I act as if I am enjoying it. I make believe if you will, that it feels good. Then after I shower to scrub myself clean and to relieve myself from the stage acting that I have just performed for the single audience that I had. I just want to curl and cry the sin away. I believe it is a sin to unwilling let yourself be taken in this way. Time and time again I allowed this action to be taken and only in this later time of my life am I realizing the true choice that I have. I am now taking full advantage of the word no. To finally take back my virginity that was so violently taken from me. It is now my turn to choose what I do with my body.