Vigil vs. Urizen vs. .:Pain:.

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by RIKOSHAY, Feb 1, 2006.

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  1. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    .:pain:.:

    Beat: 9th Wonder - The Instrumental?
    Topic: The Speed of Pain

    The speed of pain moves too fast to cope quick,
    So it's got people askin', "Who has the coke grizz,"
    Most youth pasts are hopeless, vast with no wins,
    But no one has spoken, cuz the sadness chokes them,
    Till they can't speak or even force out a laugh,
    Till the coroner's storin' all their organs in bags,
    Some find release when they spraypaint a blank wall,
    Those that can't, usually they pay for eight balls,
    We got pain and hate, so we raise the stakes tall,
    Weigh it against escape, but the weigh stations way far,
    There's no more Bronx Tale's in hell's kitchen,
    Only L hit's and locked cells for sale pitchers,
    The well wishers fell with 'em, down and out,
    People stuck, can't go on without an ounce,
    If I could just find the words, what I'm tryin' to do,
    Keep my eyes on our youth and try to inspire 'em too,

    We're not alone in these trials and tribulations,
    We need to stop the violence and discimination,
    I'm too tired to witness hatred, too exhausted to see,
    A child's distant nature gettin' caught in the streets,
    No father's, only a steady stream of maybe's,
    Jus stepdads that sell weed to babies,
    I sell dreams, and maybe, you'll buy a few,
    And throw out the stereotypes assigned to you,
    You'll get a widened view of your life and soon,
    You might do righteous things and try and improve,
    Aspirations are priceless, you need one to live,
    Even when your life is caught up in sin,
    When your sight's obscurred, all signs a blur,
    Try and learn your mind can leave that virus cured,
    If I could just find the words to help the ill,
    If I could just find the words to help rebuild...

    ===========================VS.===========================

    Urizen:

    I never thanked you

    A tear of pain rolls down a path set by those before him
    Moving hands write a tale while my subtle sound becomes more and more slim
    Screams of agony fill the inside because whispers only enter from the outside
    Misery through sound … hope and laughter both died
    Now only the sound of writing of the pen becomes clear
    Crumbling images shattering noises … this is truly the becoming of his worst fear
    As tears make the paper soggy and hard to read
    These are not normal words … letters seem filled with anger the pen seems to bleed
    While its content humble and thankful
    But as he writes it … he can hear the words he put down pound in his skull
    “Thank you for being there, Thank you”
    “Never again will I feel you, dance with you … I’m going to miss you”
    His hands start to shake his eyesight becomes blurry
    His desperation takes over compared to this death is not a worry
    The candle starts to flicker the rooms darkness suddenly gets a lot thicker
    The room starts to fill with sounds of the night as he writes “I will never forget ya”
    Medicine left of him … liqueur to the right
    Watching a grown man cry … what an destroying sight
    He feels my presence yet he tries not to acknowledge me
    He acts as if I’m not in the room because he knows soon he will lose me
    My arms never left his body my warmth never left his heart
    Even though our media of communication is going away we will not be torn apart
    My memory will be a ocean at which every stream will end
    To think our love is only a move away … just a flick of your hand
    I will miss you just like I know you will hate to not be with me
    I will read you last sentence and than leave you … man breaking up is never easy
    “Doctor diagnosed me he broke my will to life when he said I don’t have much time left”
    “Damn I don’t know how to tell you this but music …. I’m going deaf”​

    ===========================VS.===========================

    Vigil:

    BlackJack the Ripper in a Box


    "Wake up Jack," said a voice in his head

    You will always be dead if you think you're living. . .

    So just kill yourself and wake up . . . from your misery, and pain.


    The desperation in the voice convinced the timid Jack
    with points more straightforward than the knives sitting on his lap.
    In need of closure, he knows what's best and goes ahead
    "I'll soon close this chapter of my life and be dead," he said
    under his breath but he's clearly in over his head.
    He worn out the broken heart on his loose sleeve but it's fitting
    since his chances are about as slim as his wrist he's slitting.
    Begining to grin, dipping his chin, gripping and chipping his skin.
    Life, he's letting it win. Down for the count, no ref so he's skipping the pin.
    Giving into his sins, Jack's sinking and itching to get in
    "Today's its gonna end," he said, so he digged deeper within
    And right then Jack the ripper became the grim reaper's twin.
    .
    .
    Life is a magic show, an illusion that can be gone in an instant
    & Jack was his own assistant. In his home hidden, alone and distant.
    Went through life with coronas on his thigh, a foreigner who was shy
    the only contact he ever had he placed in the corner of his eye.
    He threw bedrocks in the pond, the same ones he slept on all his life
    Father was always gone, and his mother killed herself with the same knife.
    It's ironic how he was introverted and a closed shell with no charm
    And now he's lying on the floor wide-eyed with open arms.
    At only the age of seventeen Jack became a ghost, a shade of the past
    And he left no trace for his dad who will probably fade just as fast.
    Jack lacked a soul and had a heart mirroring a black hole
    God's lonely man along with Travis, they both played that role.
    He was a blackjack, two-faced & misplaced at the bottom of the stack
    and the hand he was supposed to be dealt got lost in the pack,
    He was his only friend and he stabbed himself in the back.



    ps. always check the blackjack in you and never let him get out of hand.

    “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device”
    test
  2. Urizen

    Urizen I hate humans

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,700
    is there any particular reason THIS one is a 3 way battle ???

    Pain and vigil dope verses btw

    and my votes go here:
    vote 1
    vote 2
    vote 3
    vote 4
    test
  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    13,681
    [hide]
    First thing i'd like to say is URIZEN got SCREWED...lol...but neway...back to the battle...

    Pain...This was real hip hop at it's finest...you had a seriously sick flow as usual, but the message you developed was very real and honest to the ghetto where hip hop was cultivated...this read smoothly and you had a very powerful writers voice throughout it...

    Urizen...So your flow was off man, but that's arite it's not all about perfect flow...I think you had some alright imagery but some of your things didn't really work out well...trying to scribe on a soggy pad...at least you could have had your ink running or something...make it connect more you know?...but nah overall it was a cool piece and I liked the end of it...

    Vigil...fuck it you're crazy...seriously considering how young you are and how well you write it's really insane...the imagery and emotion in this were dope as hell and you had a very well put together piece...

    With that said and done I have to give this to Vigil...his flow wasn't as good as Pain's but he had a superbly polished write which just connected with me on a different level...Urizen just got completely outshined amongst these 2 much more talented writers...but stay at it... [/hide]
    test
  4. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    Sorry guys, I really hoped we would have an even number of submissions.
    As I had stated in another thread when signups closed, with an odd number, the middle 3 would have a 3-way.
    PEA
    test
  5. Jersey_Emcee

    Jersey_Emcee aka LiQuiDliFe

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    7,814
    [hide]sorry to but in but aren't pain and got life the same person???...

    Nah, and if it was, wouldn't he have voted for himself lol[/hide]
    test
  6. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
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    884
    test
  7. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    Votes go here...
    test
  8. TaLi RodrigueZ

    TaLi RodrigueZ Washed Up Rapper...

    Joined:
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    [hide]

    I'm voting for Vigil

    Pain, after reading yours, I figured there wasn't a chance in hell that I wasn't voting for you. I mean really, the flow was lovely, the rhymes were ill as fuck, the topic was relatable. I thought the ending was cool even though it sort of almost didn't seem like an ending. It seemed like you could have kept on going about how you might find the words but of course you ran out of lines by that point. But you should really think about a part two or some thing for a track, or even come up with a hook and add a 16 on the end since you're into making tracks. This was damn good man.

    Urizen, I actually liked your idea a lot. I have no clue whether it's been attempted before but regardless, I have never seen it so it's fresh to me. That said, technically speaking, your piece just wasn't as sound as the other two. Sometimes it flowed really well and other times it seemed like the lines just drug on. Also, the rhymes weren't quite as advanced as the other two contestants. They were actually pretty solid, just didn't match up well. That said, this was a pretty cool little piece and I sort of hope you decide to sprucen it up some day because it has potential to be seriously ill.

    Vigil, I hate you. You and Richard Corey. RC tells me that I do what he wishes he could do and I tell him the same. Right now, you and Rikoshay are the only writers who have really mastered that ability to be serious yet witty. This piece was absolute sickness. I didn't even quite get it all the first time so I read it a few more and was just astounded by how you mixed the metaphor in with the reality. That shit was extremely clever and something I don't ever imagine me doing particularly well. On top of all of that, your rhymes were damn good too and your flow wasn't far behind.


    Like I said, I hate to take this win away from Pain but I really don't see how I can't. Vigil's got verse of the 1rst round as far as I'm concerned lol.[/hide]
    test
  9. Shogun...

    Shogun... Ghost Within the Shadows

    Joined:
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    [HIDE]imma try to make this as short and simple as possible since its 3-way
    Pain
    Nice piece, flowed really well, no choppiness, i enjoyed the rhyme scheme alot especially with the barage of multis, the story was aight, i think you could have made some better stuff up but for the most part, pretty damned illness here

    Urizen
    fairly nice peice, flow was on and off, it read smoothly for a min then stopped, and i had to read back to catch up (if ya know what i mean) storyline wasnt anything too spectacular, nothin' to drool over here, although ive seen some other pieces from you that were nicer than this

    Vigil
    Same as urizen basically, except ur flow was off the hook though lol!, could have used some polishing up...just a tad...or maybe not...lol...im thinkin of spots where it may have been choppy, but...theres none i guess, many dope areas throughout, with a vivid storyline

    Id have to give my vote to.......AHAHAHAHAHAHA.....Vigil! on this one[/HIDE]
    test
  10. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    [hide]Pain - I really wish you had opened with "coke grizz" because I don't know what "grizz" is and it gets me sidetracked wondering if you're trying to force a rhyme or am I just not up on slang or ar you just trying to make up a name? Hopefully "grizz" is a widely known word and I'm the only person who stumbled here. If it is regional slang or a name, I'd recommend not using it if possible or, at least not so soon into the verse. Meanwhile, as everyone knows, I'm a big fan of lengthy (Or, if nothing else, longer than 3) multi strings. I also like how you re-incorporate the beginning of the multi string a few times in the setup line (Ex: "L" and "cells" before "sale pitchers"). As for the content, I feel your frustration. As it got nearer the end, I kept hoping you were going to provide concrete solutions. Your closer, however, indicates why you couldn't. That, at least, lessens the let-down.

    Urizen - Your rhyme and flow don't approach Pain's level so you'd already lose on that level. What I have to look at is the content. Interestingly, I wrote a verse once, in which I was Hip Hop (Personafied) writing a letter to Music (Personafied as my mother). I also made it vague who I was writing to until the end. The thing is, upon rereading my verse, it's clear that I am hip hop because I refrence hip hop's growth. Unfortunately, upon rereading yours, I still don't get that you're writing to music until the last line. In other words, there's nothing to distinguish the body of your verse from any other farewell letter. You could've had some lines in there slyly indicating why the one you were losing meant so much to you which, upon rereading, would clearly show you were talking about music.

    Vigil - You have a good steady flow. I like that the rhyme is not always only at the end, which helps maintain the pacing. Some of the rhymes are forced to be considered multies but, for the most part, they were pretty strong. What I didn't get was if he actually had some friend or twin, or whether that was strictly the negative inner voice. I wasn't sure if that ambiguity was intentional or if I completely missed something so I have to take the story at face value. I got a boy committing suicide after losing his mother and having an uninvolved father.

    Vote - Pain[/hide]
    test
  11. RIKOSHAY

    RIKOSHAY New Member

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    Final votes (After Deductions) = 2-0-(-3)

    Vigil Wins!
    test
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