I just tried posting thi sbut it wouldnt post so if it posts twice, I'm sorry. I literally havent written in a year or two and I just wrote this up because some things were weighing heavily on my heart today & felt like writing...So, I did & it feels good to release it and put it out there... Sometimes its easier to find comfort in our anger easier than face that we're no more than two strangers tied together by children begging for answers "Why cant the two of you hold it together" It's easier to hate the man whose genes combined with yours created a damaged child, Wish I had never unbuttoned your jeans, Wish I could silence the rage inside of his brain for awhile, Man, I wish when I was at my wits end I could call you and you would take them for a weekend, Maybe then he wouldnt feel so abandoned, Maybe then his brother wouldnt get the brunts end of all of his twisted and complicated emotions, He said he's going to kill himself as he ran off into traffic I panic'd, Chased after him until my Lungs had it, He stopped, Took a breath, Turned around, Said, Ok, I'm all better now. Like nothing happened! Counselors shoving labels on him, Marking down the price on his future, DAMAGED, Brightest kid in the 2nd grade, Straight A's He's my EVERYTHING and could be ANYTHING, But he cant control his rage, cant hide his pain, holds it like a prize, tears never leaking from his eyes, Mommy Cries... Mommy knows the weight his shoulders hold, Trying to hold his cards so he doesnt fold, Indents of fingertips on my face from holding my head in the palm of my hands, trying to figure out the words that need to be said I beg him to calm down, Tell him he's a good kid, Maybe he just made some bad decisions, Maybe they werent his decisions to make, I wonder what life looks like, in his eight year old eyes... I wonder if he feels left behind, watching Mommy & Daddy move on, watching his life divide into two path's Want's mommy & daddy together, "That's what you promised! You said FOREVER" Left our oldest son, Detatched... Wanting somebody to love him and listen to him, Put his family photo back together & Seal the cracks, We cant so can we blame him for how he acts? How do we explain how forever just ends like THAT? If mommy loves you & Daddy loves you, Will that ever be family ENOUGH? Will I ever be able to explain, That yes we made some mistakes that made you this way, but this is who you were intended to be, You dont deserve it, but I cant take it away... I cant put up a higher prettier white picket fence, Sheild you from the world and erase the spectrum, Cant escape it weather we stay or we run, God, Jesus, Man, Woman, Child... Wish he'd forget the order & Just hold your hand for awhile..