Universe in an Hourglass

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Cigma, Oct 8, 2010.

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  1. Cigma

    Cigma Maxwell's Demon

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
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    12,377
    Earth spins in a predetermined orbit
    how enormous the energy reality gets formed with.
    Does it transfer or is it something that's born with
    Where does it derive and by what rules does it abide?

    Is it the same storm that drives mans instincts to survive,
    or a writers determination to create
    an eternity from fleeting moments in our lives…

    Drum solos echo off bones specialists
    sending silent memos home body language
    interpreted without a second thought
    because the audience is open to being awed.

    A dancer expresses delight
    through muscle movements
    musicians get in tune with instruments grooving
    together they reveal skills developed
    over decades spent as slaves
    sacrificing to understand the way
    while the Spirit of what they are Doing
    searches for a worthy master to obey.

    [​IMG]

    Out of the essence emerges our earthly presence
    plummeting dumb luck souls plucked from the cosmos
    Infants entrusted with God's Glow responsible
    for navigating space encrusted with obstacles.

    Start the race beginning with Adam
    Flesh bones flecks of sand billions of atoms
    babies heaven sent elements resurrected
    human vessels travel several trillion seconds
    become wizened with no end but to end up
    settling into mere dust or is it nourishment?

    An hourglass tracks our minutes are food in
    time's intestines human beings being slowly digested...


    The most beautiful girl his eyes had ever laid upon
    when they were young his tongue held no delays
    tirelessly singing praises of the colors that she bloomed.
    How he'd wait outside a room in delicious anticipation
    of when they were face to face again so he could taste
    the flavor of her lips, and every trip she'd take
    when she arrived home he was there to pick her up but…

    May turned into August and now he doesn't bother.
    His hands before so hot for her when he touches now it's proper
    While her locks have lost their luster, his grey hair has made him suaver

    And she watches miserable, the way he saunters around his students.
    The woman would give anything to seduce him but it's useless to him

    she's Invisible.






    Wrote this for RSTL this week. Used a pic from the topic list, Aging and Invisible.

    Be healthy.
    test
  2. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
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    I loved the first half of this poem, but felt a little off course in the last half. it was like 2 different poems, and though I some how lost where to two came together. It could be just me.
    Both begining and end are descriptive and i enjoyed reading it.
    test
  3. TopicalSolution

    TopicalSolution Devoid of Demeanor

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2011
    Messages:
    7
    Great use of language throughout, especially with certain flipped concepts and wordplay (Adam + atom). You have a great control of sound in the writing, but after reading it 2-3 times, I still find myself stumbling through the poem. Use your punctuation to help guide the reader through some of the more tongue-twisting bits of your poem. Let your commas, dashes and periods control the pulse and flow of what you're doing and it'll be far smoother for the reader.

    I want to love it, but the chore of having to stop and go while experimenting with different ways that the line can be read takes away from the experience you're trying to create.
    test
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