Unexpected Pregnancy (Who was she?)

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by UFO the Phoenix, Oct 25, 2004.

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  1. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    The sad woman in my dreams


    Her Poignant eyes cried streams of depression
    Lost in confessions she didn’t even notice my presence
    Standing in a public restroom
    Over a sink holding soggy tissues
    In her soft hands
    Her Mascara dripped away
    Smearing her face in the process
    Making little progress as her thoughts ran
    Gazing at the pregnancy test next to the faucet
    This dipstick would determine her future
    Ruin her options
    The shock comes overwhelming reveling
    Her voice moans
    And the grief echoed off the ceiling

    I pause feeling my spirit shiver how could I help?

    Suddenly she went for her purse
    Straighten her hair with those manicure nails
    And hurried out the door breaking one of her high heels
    Eyes to the floor she never knew I was there
    With every eerie gasping breath
    She whispered “Gotta Keep Moving”
    Stumbling down the hallway
    With all the strength she had left
    Looking processed in each step
    Some type of poltergeist like walk
    My Thoughts wept realizing her pain
    Her legs out of place the scar on the face
    Lost all faith with her hand on the mace
    She must have been raped???!

    Woke up with bitter chills feeling my spirit shiver

    Didn’t know the woman
    She gave me no name
    But her face was familiar
    Now everyday she haunts my eyelids
    Daydreams with splitters
    I can’t hide her from a mind
    Which will always remember
    test
  2. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    really nice concept here...i love the idea but i think u could have done it better....

    ...i thought the begining was the strongetst part of the poem and u did build up to the ending nicely..

    i thought u should have gave a lil more info on how she got pregnent..i know she was raped but a scar on the check doesnt symbolize that...feel me?..or maybe if u were her reflection in the mirror..that would have been cool...or an angel or something..then i would have known for sure that she was raped...

    anyhow...the piece is dope..really reminds me of a piece i did a while ago.....

    i'm going to post the link in this thread when i find it....
    test
  3. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    test
  4. BrokenSoul8604

    BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless

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    Chea~~

    this piece was great....

    "Didn’t know the woman
    She gave me no name
    But her face was familiar
    Now everyday she haunts my eyelids
    Daydreams with splitters
    I can’t hide her from a mind
    Which will always remember"

    haunts my eyelids....beautifully worded...just a shame i had to highlight the words or else i couldnt read em....but maybe you did that for a reason

    God bless
    test
  5. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    wooooord up

    good looking ya'll

    and yeah this is all I remember from my dream....dont know how she was raped or who this person was...I know it was all very weird...yet very real
    test
  6. MisterEThoughts

    MisterEThoughts MysteryOfUntoldTruth

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    thiss was truly amazing man i can seriously say when i read your stuff you inspire me to even write more it's amazing man you got such unique style and i love it a lot man wow just wow amazing.....


    The shock comes overwhelming reveling
    Her voice moans
    And the grief echoed off the ceiling


    love this lines real hottt
    test
  7. Sole Sovereign

    Sole Sovereign Hungry But Never Starving

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    Dope concept and great delivery, could have used a bit more imagery here, not that it wasn't there, just seems enough to tease me, yet not please me. Great read, definately felt the dipstick line, man if these companies knew how many things they changed with the knowledge of conception, they'd package them all in black boxes and call them something evil... lol.. anyways.. have a good one and this was a nice read.
    test
  8. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    ^Word man, I can understand why some of the pieces werent all there. That's how dreams are man. The flow you gave off was real fast pace and kinda left me wanting more. Imagery was strong. I've wrote alot of pieces dealing with this same situation.

    One luv
    test
  9. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

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    i really like the concept alot, i did feel a little cheated because we never found out why she fealt familiar to him. anyway i liked the piece and the flow. stay up
    test
  10. Sporadic

    Sporadic New Member

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    Messages:
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    wow man, great story...No quote would seem right quoting without quoting the entire piece...great imagery...this really will make me think of the next time i have a dream I THINK means something...keep that ink rushing outta that pen..
    test
  11. Phonetixs

    Phonetixs . . ..carpenter's wisdom

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    Oct 9, 2004
    Messages:
    88
    Wow Bro!!

    Dope Imagery Man, great attitude on the whole thing, your unique style portrays things very well man...good stuff!!! It inspires one, and also to paint and see pictures in the mind with words is a good thing!! Good stuff again bro,

    ~WuN~

    Also, My Collab Thing Wit You Should Be Done Soon, I been really busy so i will get to it asap! WuN!
    test
  12. MzDee

    MzDee Where Stars Fall.....

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    the imagry was excellent and the story line was on point good peice hope to read more
    test
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