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Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by bagglad, May 7, 2013.

  1. bagglad

    bagglad Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2005
    Messages:
    746
    After doomed fate disaters accumulates around his
    Path he needs renown math to figure this out not a wiz
    With numbers, accompany his speech with gestures
    He had reached the pressures of society no pleasures
    In that, no treasures in having stats a guy strong and
    Supply microphones with rhymes became a known man
    Free from scruples but he quadruples the troubles, thrilling
    Tonight strange willing for a slight change crime is killing
    His pride now chilling in his ride trying to think and filling
    His lungs with happy smoke with crappy hope of trying
    To succeed there’s a crying need for drugs only lying
    To himself
    test
  2. SickPup

    SickPup Pup

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    67
    I liked this little drop. Its flowed great, you have amazing flow. It's like a little story as well, it had a more spoken word or poetic type feel to me which I liked. I like horrorcore type shit. But this is hella dope dude. I'm new ya the site but I'll be looking for your name in OM for now on. Dope shit dude.
    test
  3. DethStryque

    DethStryque DethStryque theInvincible

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2008
    Messages:
    2,074
    I will say two things for you, bagglad...you're a prolific writer, with a decent flow.

    However, your vocabulary understanding, application and word choice can benefit from more focus. Your bars contain at least one discordant hiccup each, and that destroys the flow and what would otherwise be a solid drop.

    "After doomed fate disaters accumulates around his..."

    Immediately, three things leap out from your first line, and you repeat these same kinds of mistakes, just in different categories of poetry and rap.

    1. "doomed fate" is a klunky word choice. It can make poetic sense and it can be redeemed if the rest of the work is stellar. The rest of the work is not stellar. Worse still...

    2. "accumulate"...makes it clear that "doomed fate" was simply chosen to rhyme with "accumulate", and/or you lack sufficient proficiency with vocabulary definitions to realize that you should have chosen different words, and you lack sufficient experience with quality rhyme scheme to know that you're giving the appearance of stretching to rhyme a word instead of doing what actually skilled people do: know and properly use the correct definitions of the words you know and carefully selected because they fit sensibly into the theme, flow, imagery, etc. of this piece

    3. The result is that your piece looks like it's written by a rook undeservedly attempting to wear the mein of a vet, and you look like a wannabe MC who's also a "faux intellectual". Whether or not you are actually those things at all, in real life.


    Without dissin you in any way, man, I suggest you check out the RWZ Categories, learn their definitions, hone your skills in each category and keep writing. You definitely have the passion to write prolifically, so that drive can be a major benefit if it's focused in the right areas and if you're aware of the categories that you need improvement in. You need improvement in every category. We all do.

    The difference is that skilled lyricists have already acquired refined skill in these categories and they know what these categories are, so our efforts are both polished and focused. Imo you need to acquire such polish and focus, and writing a lot while following the RWZ Categories would be a good way for you to start.

    G'luck.
    test
  4. SirFreshcoast

    SirFreshcoast New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    8
    True Life?

    True Life? This was Nice. I like how you use the run-ons perfectly to your advantage to make it seem more story like. You on tho! Wish I coulda seen u bounce between the one liners andthe runs but dope "regardly" PS I DID MY TWO POSTS WHEN YALL GONE TAKE ME OFF PROBATION..SHIDD I SPIT HOTTT FIYAHH! Lol but real talk tho
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    best piece you drop imo bagdad


    As I said before, don't end your lines with words to set up the next...it reads funny to me...the flow was hot despite that and would only serve better in text without that awkward phrasing you do with ending lines with words that should be in the next.
    test

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