Too much, little, much.

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by kyza soza, Feb 7, 2005.

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  1. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    Ehhh lol.

    Quick keystyle, and i mean quick.. i had a few ideas in my head, but i just punched it down on the paper now, so so so so sooooo shouldnt have.


    anyways.. 10 minute key.

    The wind collects my thoughts up as it passes
    Travels to different places
    My mind state is
    ……..all over the place
    Maybe she’ll catch those feelings
    Grasp with both hands


    Too little said
    Too much took for granted
    Too little she left with


    The smell of memories
    Nostalgia driven senses
    Of a time once was
    Pride devoured my defences
    Broken, torn…
    Hoping for a reason
    I was chosen for...
    Maybe I’d have my way
    ..if in my mind I wasn’t spoken for.


    Too much left in vain
    Too little smiles now
    Too much days have passed


    Went from...
    Gonna ask her, to…
    Maybe later
    To..
    Sitting in the dark to’,
    Back against the cold radiator
    Heart given to someone else?
    Accidentally?.. Mistakenly?
    Corrected…belatedly
    Hopefully


    Too little chance?
    Too much heartache
    Too little excuses, not to.
    test
  2. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

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    2,940
    this was kind of funny to me, dont know why just struck me as being some what humorous... anyways this was good for just a quick key style... stayed on track well and didn't wander off at all... was loveling the second to last stanza.... man was that nice... nice little piece


    Stay Up, much Love, Peace
    test
  3. quotive

    quotive 3

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2004
    Messages:
    13,755
    "The wind collects my thoughts up as it passes
    Travels to different places
    My mind state is
    ……..all over the place
    Maybe she’ll catch those feelings
    Grasp with both hands"

    Definitely love this part.

    "Went from...
    Gonna ask her, to…
    Maybe later
    To..
    Sitting in the dark to’,
    Back against the cold radiator
    Heart given to someone else?
    Accidentally?.. Mistakenly?
    Corrected…belatedly
    Hopefully"

    I can relate.. sadly enough.

    Good drop.
    test
  4. Bhitiah

    Bhitiah Powerful Scriptures

    Joined:
    May 3, 2004
    Messages:
    1,173
    "My mind state is
    ……..all over the place"


    "The smell of memories
    Nostalgia driven senses
    Of a time once was
    Pride devoured my defences
    Broken, torn…
    Hoping for a reason
    I was chosen for...
    Maybe I’d have my way
    ..if in my mind I wasn’t spoken for."





    "Went from...
    Gonna ask her, to…
    Maybe later
    To..
    Sitting in the dark to’,
    Back against the cold radiator
    Heart given to someone else?
    Accidentally?.. Mistakenly?
    Corrected…belatedly
    Hopefully"


    I liked this...Crazy nice. Good work
    test
  5. I like pieces which escape, roam and discover through the senses. Although this was a love poem, it seemed to have a dreamy quality which was kind of distracting the reader from 'her', if that makes sense. Good read man, Thanks for sharing!
    test
  6. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    Thanks people, i got to at least one your pieces each.
    test
  7. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    shits nice....its sort of all over the place though...real easy read but it didnt seem real focused to me

    still good though

    upin for ya
    test
  8. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    4,076
    i feel you with your mind wandering all over the place,
    theirs so much i want to accomplish that i have no idea where to start

    anyways on the piece,it seems that you know you missed out on someone special,
    but for whatever reason you didnt feel that way when she was around...
    that happens,more than once to me,i hate that

    not a bad drop,you didnt wander to much
    pretty much stayed on focus...

    sometimes the best way to get of writers block is just to write whatever comes to mind..
    just go naturally with that
    peace
    test
  9. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    Bingo :thumb:

    And thanks to all that replied, ill get at some later.
    test
  10. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    Messages:
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    what the?!

    you really did a great job with this one....I could relate with it on all sides....each stanza seem to reveal more and open up more....letting the reader into your very heart....your experiences...your mistakes....thats whats poetry all about...I love this piece

    MY FAV STANZA

    "The smell of memories
    Nostalgia driven senses
    Of a time once was
    Pride devoured my defences
    Broken, torn…
    Hoping for a reason
    I was chosen for...
    Maybe I’d have my way
    ..if in my mind I wasn’t spoken for."

    ^mind tricks...and love ripples....this part really touched me

    props
    test
  11. RahRah

    RahRah You Dont Know Me!!!!

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    Feb 8, 2005
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    i was definately feeling this, i went through it a few times in highschool, like i really was liking i girl but never told her how i felt, she transfered to a diff school, later on like 2 yrs later i saw her at this party and the feelings were still there but at time i had a girl but it still didnt change the way i felt

    this was a nice drop man
    test
  12. Shibbymet

    Shibbymet New Member

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    i thought this piece was awsome bro, i really liked it, reminded me of this girl i just broke up with, she was a bitch, but n e ways, keep up the good work !!!!
    test
  13. Clarksvegas_Dan

    Clarksvegas_Dan Registered Voter

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    Toooo deep...Nah not too deep, just deep enough.lol This was a great poem...really like the description of that inner conflict...that working out the reasoning, excuses/vs. reasons. I can't remember what they call that in psychology, but I know it's in the chapter on motivation.lol Anyway great poem...really made me think...it's an all too familiar experience.
    test
  14. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    UFO.. thanks dude, for the peepage and the rep :smile: but i still don't think i'm anywhere near i can be.

    Rahrah, thanks dude.. i know alot of people will be able to relate, thats why i try to write it general but add a little personal in there, ya get me.

    lol @ shibbymet.. thanks man for the feed and that biyatch, keep them in check. y'overstand?

    Luther.. thanks man as well, i know basically what you mean, not the word for it tho =/ But thanks for the looks, it means alot to come back here after a long time out and get so much love.

    Thanks all.
    test
  15. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,789
    The wind collects my thoughts up as it passes
    Travels to different places
    My mind state is
    ……..all over the place
    Maybe she’ll catch those feelings
    Grasp with both hands

    Good beginning, you did an awesome job of reeling in the reader with your opener, I also like how you went about writing "My mind state is......... all over the place" something"about it, I think its the ....... it adds to it, as if you really are unsure. Know what I mean. lol


    Too little said
    Too much took for granted
    Too little she left with



    The smell of memories
    Nostalgia driven senses
    Of a time once was
    Pride devoured my defences
    Broken, torn…
    Hoping for a reason
    I was chosen for...
    Maybe I’d have my way
    ..if in my mind I wasn’t spoken for.


    Too much left in vain
    Too little smiles now
    Too much days have passed


    Went from...
    Gonna ask her, to…
    Maybe later
    To..
    Sitting in the dark to’,
    Back against the cold radiator
    Heart given to someone else?
    Accidentally?.. Mistakenly?
    Corrected…belatedly
    Hopefully


    Too little chance?
    Too much heartache
    Too little excuses, not to.

    Shit is straight fire son, I noticed you replied to my other pieces and now Im replying to your's, imagine that! One of the things I think could change in this poem though is the repetition of "Too", maybe use it one time every stanza, instead of using it every line in some of the stanzas. Just my opinion though yo.

    BTW.. The title is very original and after reading this for the third time now, Im going to give you some reputation points.

    B eazy....Famous
    test
  16. RealMS

    RealMS Ne te quaesiveris extra

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    Feb 27, 2004
    Messages:
    5,023
    Hoping for a reason
    I was chosen for...
    Maybe I’d have my way
    ..if in my mind I wasn’t spoken for.


    mmm, oh that was so good. Honestly, you may not write (or show) your works as often as I'd like, but when you do-you drop it deeply, and it flows wonderfully. The first line I thought had a little too much of syllables, but I love what you're saying. And yeah, did you call? If not I am going to shank you! C'mon now steffon, you already know what I'm going to say. You see how much it was on your mind! You had to write about it! Holla at yo girl-

    -Guess what? I'm off my crutches and back to dance again!
    -Much Love
    test
  17. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    aww, thats good marie. Hope you get better soon, and yea.. i explained how that flows yesterday to you, hope you get it now. :smile:

    Thanks Almostfamous, i didn't even realised that i used it in the third big stanza to be honest, thanks for the feed, much repect going out.
    test
  18. TrueEmcee

    TrueEmcee Run.

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    Jul 8, 2001
    Messages:
    3,200
    the poem was fire from beginning to end
    i love your last two stanzas


    the second to last one with alll the adjectives, ending with a HUGGGE hopefully
    the last stanza, specially the last line was hot
    'too little excuses'

    honestly, i think this was a great great great keystyle
    test
  19. kyza soza

    kyza soza This way up.

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    Messages:
    16,576
    Thank you, thank you.

    Its suprising how little i ever like my writing, apart from a couple lines and you people continue to suprise me all the time.

    So i send a massive thank you to all the replied.
    test
  20. Zeta

    Zeta New Member

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    Feb 1, 2004
    Messages:
    371
    nice peice it was very succinct, peace.
    test
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