Thread For Writers

Discussion in 'Overtime: Off-Topic Discussion' started by illipsis, Nov 24, 2012.

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  1. illipsis

    illipsis Ill Collector

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    So the last thread got closed apparently, but looking through it again there was so much dope material in there I figured I'd start another one. Feel free to kick bars/constructive feedback on people's bars in this thread, I'll start it off.

    "The type of bomb you don't get to defuse in seconds/
    The contours are smooth but it's better in two dimensions/
    The cortex is alive with the breath of a brutal engine/
    While angels spit in the face of heaven's diluted presence/
    Cherubic rebels too dishevelled for the pearly gates/
    Perpetrating acts of introversion with invertebrates/
    Learning to regurgitate the version of the gospel
    Where a hostile god could conjure up the urge to make the world shake/
    And I'll be there when it reverberates in jest
    Middle finger to the air like "I'm supposed to be impressed?"
    Leather jacket, James Dean, even closer to my death
    East of Eden, North of Babylon and going to the West
    That plastic lighter dances in a pyroclastic pirouette
    Pointe shoe princess got the eyes to match her silhouette
    Paralyzed by potency, my blood is full of icicles
    But I am just the narrator, I'm fucking unreliable"
    • Hot Thread Hot Thread x 1
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  2. iAmAchilles

    iAmAchilles disrespectful nigguh

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    i have no idea wtf you said, that was some aesop rock shit. ne wayz, just wrote this

    Ok, bridges I burned some, lessons I learned some
    Money I spend some, lent some, earned some
    My eyes tell a tale of the hell I returned from
    Spark up a L for the homies I haven't heard from
    Burn when the urge come
    I’m living lurge(large)
    Never chilling on the curb, just a villian on the verge, son
    My tenth shot is ass official as the third one
    Second one, first one
    Worse come, the worst run
    When I was pushed out of the womb the earth spun
    The only way to describe this is enertia
    Some rappers think they could try me, Who the first up?
    I don’t guarantee no survivers, nigga surfs up
    Yeah, soul on ice, courage and sacrifice, hold on tight
    And save your laughter for the afterlife
    These chumps thinkin they good, ain't even half as nice
    Your fate will be a one-way ticket to paradise
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  3. tomcruzmomshoes

    tomcruzmomshoes 3nv1

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    I have no idea what op is saying, but it sounds cool af tbh.
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  4. Triasis

    Triasis StarBurnedSky

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    This is cool for what it is. If you're gonna use it in a song it's gonna be really hard to flow/deliver. Better as spoken word (but you said bars so I'm assuming you'd be rapping it on a song).

    Most of the time "vocab" rappers just string big words together and go for some contrived meaning that is total BS, but you were able to do it while still being coherent and having some dope rhyme schemes, which is what makes the verse props-worthy.

    If you were able to have this verse and still make it melodic/ "song-worthy" I'd be extra impressed. Good shit, keep it up!
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  5. Triasis

    Triasis StarBurnedSky

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    this is more my kind of shit. dope rhyme schemes throughout, just reading it has a flow to it, dope word play but not over-the-tope with it, and got some real life shit in it.

    I think the first half is more well-developed than the second, though. Also, it doesn't have the same theme/"feel" as the first half does. If looking for advice, I'd say you'd be better off using everything after "tenth shot as official as my third one" in a different verse (but that's just my .02.. you do you)

    Regardless, good shit.
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  6. illipsis

    illipsis Ill Collector

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    Thanks g I appreciate the critique...I actually do have it set to a rhythm (Aesop's Cycles to Gehenna beat), but I guess that doesn't necessarily translate to the written form.

    I definitely hear you on the BS you get from cats jocking Aesop (which I'm completely guilty of tbf), but I make a point of imparting some significance to anything I write, even if I'm the only one who can decipher it. With that being said though, I also like a little bit of semantic ambiguity that forces the listener/reader to develop their own interpretation.
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  7. Triasis

    Triasis StarBurnedSky

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    Oh, no, I could definitely tell there was a rhythm to it -- I just meant that the rhythm I was picking up seemed more poetic than "rappy", but if you did it to a beat then I'm sure it was only because of it being written.

    got any tracks laced?
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  8. pill grim

    pill grim CHRONNIE SPARKO

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    times are a-changin' - i feel indifferent though
    a while back "instagram" meant your dealers didn't loaf
    but yo, i don't suffer from drug addiction
    fuck no, i'm comfortable once i'm trippin'
    my secret stash, high chiefin' hash
    watch the eye bleeds that visine can mask
    tabs, shrooms, speed, coke, crack fumes, weed smoke
    stab wounds, please know that's you - breathe slow
    the kushido blade, a shogun with scissors
    roll blunts, smoke tons, don't throw up his liquor
    on some stupid shit, indica's ripe for buddha hits
    lucid trips, yup i'm in the cut like a Junior Mint
    happy pleadin' the fifth, treat it as if
    it's the greeziest piff, that means keepin' it zipped
    slap the cuffs on me...first you see me then you don't
    too sneaky for the police, Houdini it and GHOST
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  9. illipsis

    illipsis Ill Collector

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    Ahh gotcha bro, good looks.

    Nothing at the moment tbh, my set-up is pretty basic in terms of production, I've just been focusing on accumulating material so that as soon as I upgrade my software I've got shit to record.

    Fucking dope as always Pill.
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  10. TripWire

    TripWire Exposed

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  11. DeathRowe

    DeathRowe New Member

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    I wrote this a while back, I'll post it in here. I have no idea if it's good or what, none of my friends know shit about rap/writing, and aren't interested, so I don't want to ask them. Any feedback is super appreciated.

    Single mother runs for cover
    from the circling buzzards overhead
    Birds of prey feast on the
    blood and guts of sluts who end up dead
    Moved into a nondescript derelict
    in the conflicted side of town
    where masochists are banging tricks
    and all kings become uncrowned
    She had a beautiful blue eyed girl
    who had all the potential in the world
    Intelligent individual; wondering why galaxies whorled
    Interested in ethics ;she wasn't even seven yet
    Unaware of her lifelong game of Russian Roulette
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  12. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

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    Cool shit you have some dope concepts, read more like a poem though.

    The mechanics of rap verse can be kinda tricky, regardless I enjoyed this shit.
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  13. DeathRowe

    DeathRowe New Member

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    Thanks, appreciate it. I've noticed that myself, I'm new to this whole rap-writing thing.
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  14. J Keeper

    J Keeper Super Jesus

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2010
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    14,113
    Sometimes, I think I'm a loser, gimme a cardboard box,
    Sick of minutia, I'm starved for thought,
    But I'm much better off than the kids in Fallujah,
    The game's still too small, it's a par four plot,
    I'm type lost, got a pen that I use as a sand wedge,
    Other patrons watching, cuz it don't make damn sense,
    But I still I swing, hoping I'm hittin' the green,
    Yet I never bad feel when I'm hittin' some trees,
    If you know what I mean,
    That shit ain't fog dog, I'm a smoking machine,
    It puts me in the bunkers and I'm stuck in the rough,
    Staring at the ball cups like their something to fuck,
    I play a new game, trying to keep keeping it peace,
    Used to carry nine irons on the previous greens,
    Now I'm sittin', no clubs, just a whole bunch of wedges,
    Taking swings at everything cuz I'm so fucking reckless...
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  15. TenFold

    TenFold Planet Rock Nano-Bot

    Joined:
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    1,528
    Fundamentally skilled, I build for the culture..
    Elevated my level from omega to alpha..
    Ultra-magnetic..connected, I represent it..
    Studyin’ the pioneers to innovate what they invented..
    Respect due..what I learned, now I give it back..
    Strapped wit’ the wisdom to keep the rhythm intact..
    Make music..another stage in the movement..
    When I hit the cypher, you know im showin’ and provin’..
    I do it for my people, and keep the highest integrity..
    Im nice wit’ it – like I aint tryna make an enemy..
    I write wit’ the same pen I wrote my first rap wit’..
    To culminate a legacy of buildin’ every verse crafted..
    Mastered it, but its all the same drama..
    Don’t wanna die without hall of fame honors..
    And best believe – that imma do what I wanna..
    Cuz my nature is natural like the flora and fauna..
    Cant stoppa, stoppa – imma keep growin’..
    Dropp’a propper rap on the beat when im flowin’..
    Imma Hip Hopper..gotta knack to be artistic..
    I can build a universe wit’ a few bars and a rhythm..
    I know alotta rappers, who can rocka sick flip..
    Kick snare kick kick – and spit rare linguistics..
    Different dialects..vocalizin’ from a distance..
    To build globally from a localized existence..
    Worldwide – for the breakers and the djs..
    Graff artists spray paint the street slang we say..
    And motivate to get the name on the mural..
    In that crazy 3D Daim style burner, yo..
    Wall to wall..end to end..i forever blend..
    Reality with a place that I never been..
    When im in it..my creativity is measureless..
    I put my verse into a box, it turned into a treasure chest..
    I opened it, and seen a universe inside it..
    The same rotation that my mind synchronized wit’..
    I recognize it – then apply it..
    Methodically, with the methodology of theoretical scientists..
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  16. pill grim

    pill grim CHRONNIE SPARKO

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    i remember way, way back in the day
    when everybody used to tell me "hey, rap's just a phase"
    they were wrong, favorite genre - a habit that stayed
    and gradually made me into its adamant slave
    burned the grass from this maze with a passionate flame
    no feedback, sea captains the way we mastered the .wavs
    back in the game, thumbs are calloused & rough
    we triforcing it in, rumblepak'in the blunts
    stubble swaggin' it up, yup and speakin' of games...
    i could easily play Chrono Trigger til my old bones wither
    a stoned, cold killer whose trigger fingers are resin tipped
    the king of the seven sins, most distinguished of gentlemen
    GOD FUCKIN DAMN, i'm a nervous wreck
    who'll take a hammer to your hands until a nerve is wrecked
    purposeless, you a clown like that joke character Dan
    fuck up, now go home and be a family man, (P!)
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  17. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    Messages:
    3,474
    Wrote this recently for a tinychat battle I did against some kid named "Doc T"...

    Thought I'd post it while on my compliment fishing trip....

    Look, you weak lame faggot - the kid carry thangs for amusement/
    Leave frames shattered - shit, every banga I’ve used is/
    Streaked - stained - spattered with serosanguinous fluid/
    It’s clear, the angriest human/
    On the planet’s face’s gone in a manic state - the brawn of a panicked ape/
    Here to strangle this nuisance/
    I drop heat, dog - but shit here’s cold/
    I saw pops beat moms when I was six years old/
    I was raised livin’ dumb rough – in an abusive household/
    I stay livid - one punch and then you’re snoozin’ – out so - mouth closed!/
    Or shit’ll get gory ‘til you’re burnin’ in hell screamin’/
    My pistol thinks for me and it’s concerned for my well-being-/
    Rallyin’ provisions-/
    The pipe’ll hit your chest in intervals - might strip your precious minerals/
    If my calcium, (cal see I’m) deficient!/
    It's the age of nonsense versus ancient conflicts/
    This challenge is embarrasin’ where’s the clash of the titans?/
    Paladins and Saracens? - I swear I’ll cannibalize him!/
    Watch the teeth! - word – may God protect ya!/
    This is Doctor T vs. Doctor Lecter/
    This doubled up fat fuck bubble gut’s gassed up/
    You’ve got to be……you’re Doctor Pepper!/
    So fuck the coward’s life ‘cuz it’s a massive hoax/
    Patna please! - Round one of the tourney/
    Doctor T’s down - slumped on a gurney/
    Sucka, now recite the Hippocratic Oath!/
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  18. SuperNegger

    SuperNegger Toe Tagger Type Negger

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2012
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    1,807
    Religion, Bible, End times/Armageddon, Good vs Evil
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  19. Dear Diary

    Dear Diary Well-Known Member

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    i wouldn't exactly consider myself a good writer, and this has some personal shit in it but nobody here really knows me so fuck it, here goes...




    Another year’s ‘bout to end, 2012
    Part of me feels I’m being drowned in a fountain of health
    The more I accomplish the more I’m doubting myself
    People think the only thing I wanna talk about is myself
    Pardon me… wasn’t there an apocalypse?
    The fuck is this, tell me who your prophet is
    Don’t point at the Mayans and say they weren’t honest, kid
    Cause in their eyes an apocalyptic prophecy does not exist
    So what kind of a farce is this? just a bunch of narcissists
    That saw a story to make some profit with
    Maybe some guys sitting up in parliament
    Trying to distract from issues on the Gaza Strip
    And other shit that is actually happening
    Innocent lives lost from drones attacking them
    Children manufacturing weapons for combatting THEM
    I guess we should be glad Obama’s back again
    Then again… at least in the US something’s going on
    The Austrian parliament feels like politics gone wrong
    A comedy skit where the punchline does not exist
    Reading the newspaper at work exceeds my tolerance
    But on some positive shit, I got a job now
    Small-time shit, but I can’t say I’m not proud
    Suited up when I walk rounds
    Bitch talk loud or shoot a picture and get walked out
    Stand-up dude that’ll sit y’all down
    Walk out and the kid rocks out to HipHop sounds
    I dig all styles if it’s tip-top rhymes
    An inspiration for me to spit raw lines
    At all times, stepped it up this year
    Still ain’t write enough to make the shit clear
    Wasted too much time just sitting here
    Plus real life issues tend to interfere
    My mom lost her job, but I get the feel
    That somehow it’s really not the biggest deal
    For some reason she enjoys just sitting still
    And in the meantime she’s picking up some different skills
    And I’ve been trying to get women
    But still don’t get what I need to know
    Been bad at this since the beginning
    But at this point I feel really slow
    Ladies, how the fuck does your mind work?
    Do you mind sharing your mind ‘cause mine hurts
    You wanna feel like beautiful women, that’s fine, girls
    I don’t know you, I’d be lying to say you’re my world
    But I made mistakes too, there’s really no doubt
    And I apologize sincerely if I weirded you out
    It seems it’s really hard for me to let my feelings come out
    But this year brought me closer to seeing what that’s really about
    2012 introduced me to a very special person
    But the way I treated you has me actually hurting
    You see I’m a prick, can’t communicate my feelings for shit
    Thought I couldn’t reject you but for some reason I did
    Thought I couldn’t neglect you, but really I did
    If beauty is wealth, you’re unbelievably rich
    Acted like I didn’t want you, but really I did
    If beauty is wealth, you’re unbelievably rich…

    So don’t ever let ‘em tell you you’re so-so
    Don’t ever let ‘em tell you you don’t glow
    Don’t ever let ‘em tell you “don’t go!”
    You got the right to walk down your own road
    The world ended ten days ago, but still we staying though
    Ain’t nothing over till we’re saying so
    Make up your own mind on what these words mean
    And have a great twenty-thirteen
    test
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