This isn't poetry, but....

Discussion in 'Writer's Block' started by Sun Zoo, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Sun Zoo

    Sun Zoo Speech is my Hammer

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    ***MOVED...THIS IS THE RIGHT FORUM NOW, CORRECT?***

    I'd appreciate anyone's input on this...i'm putting it here becuase this is the most applicable place on this site.....figured I'd see what you poets have to say about this....

    It's an idea for a novel, a satire of christianity somewhat....anyway, here's the basic plot outline i've developed:

    Characters: Mary (teenage daughter), Gabe (8-10 year old younger brother of Mary), Parents (as yet unnamed), Jude (love interest of Mary)

    CHAPTER LAYOUT:

    1) Introduction of characters. Gabe remembers the first time he became conscious of religions, when he told his parents his friend didn’t say the pledge of allegiance with them because his parents told him not to.
    2) Gabe discovers Mary is talking to a boy (Jude) when he listens outside the closed door of her room
    3) Gabe tells their parents at the dinner table that Mary was talking to a boy, at first she denies it, then admits it and begs their permission to go on a date with him. She specifies she wants to go somewhere safe, maybe to a church-sponsored youth event. They say his family doesn’t go to church, and she’s too young to date anyway. She gets angry, Gabe is confused.
    4) Gabe goes to church with his family. Mary isn’t speaking to her parents, and he sits uncomfortably between them, thinking about what God would say to Mary. He concludes his parents are right and zones out
    5) Gabe and Mary’s parents go into the city one afternoon to get a part for their truck, Mary tries to distract Gabe by letting him watch movies he isn’t supposed to and invites Jude over. Gabe hears sounds of distress from the room they are in and comes, then watches through the crack in the door as Jude rapes Mary.
    6) Jude has left and Mary takes a bath. Gabe can hear her crying in the bathroom. The parents come home and Mary refuses to come out of her room so after yelling at her, they interrogate Gabe over dinner as to why. He doesn’t tell them, so they spank him and send him to bed.
    7) A few weeks later things have calmed down a little bit. Mary has returned to dinners and is attempting to seem normal. Gabe doesn’t know what to do. At school one day he passes the health office and sees Mary inside, crying and talking to someone. He gets angry and attacks Jude, who doesn’t even know who he is. He is taken home from school, lectured, beaten, and sent to his room.
    8) Mary hears about Gabe attacking Jude, and and appears shocked and offended in front of her parents but then seeks him out after dinner and pours her heart out to him, he doesn’t understand everything she is saying but he understands her tears and he promises not to tell her parents anything.
    9) Some time has passed. Mary calls Gabe into the bathroom teary eyed one evening and hands him a home pregnancy test. He doesn’t know what it is and she won’t explain, eventually he tells her what it says. She starts to cry.
    10) Mary tells her parents what happened. They explode and forbid her to have an abortion, saying she’s already damned enough for having sex out of wedlock. She tries to explain she was raped, but they don’t care.
    11) Gabe recalls Mary’s experience that night as she told it to him much later: She rushed upstairs crying and locked her door. She tried to destroy her child with a coat hanger and hurt herself badly. The baby lived.
    12) Mary won’t talk to her parents and they won’t talk to Gabe because he lied to them about knowing what happened. They sit together in church on Black Friday and listen to how Jesus died. Gabe looks at the cross and wishes he could die like Jesus and go to heaven. It becomes clear he believes he is going to hell.
    13) Mary refuses to go to church one Sunday. There is a screaming match outside her door, and after she is forcibly dragged to church they all sit down with the pastor, who explains to her why she has to have the child and why she shouldn’t have been dishonest and invited Jude over.
    14) Several months later, Mary gives birth to the child. Her parents name it John. Her birth went badly because of the injuries caused by her unsuccessful abortion and the injuries sustained from the rape. The doctors say that both she and the child are lucky to have survived, she should not have given birth under those conditions.
    15) When she finally returns from the hospital, her parents give her the baby and tell her she has to marry Jude. They have a long argument. She curses at them and runs away into the night with the baby. Gabe runs after her but is unable to keep up and has to go home.
    16) Gabe wakes up the next day to find his parents crying at breakfast. They tell him that police found the baby drowned in a pond a few miles from their house. There is no sign of Mary. Gabe goes to church with them and gets angry at God for allowing all of this to happen.
    17) Modern day: relations between gabe and mary, neither talks to their parents, no one mentions John.


    thoughts?
    test
  2. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    okay man.. your characters (especially the parents) are right on. The reason I can say this so confidently is that I grew up in a cult (christian based) and was surrounded by these people for the first 13 years of my life. This is a very typical, do what we think God wants us to do, because our going to heaven is more important than our daughter. (I watched families broken apart from this church) There was one guy, who turned out to have molested both his daughters, lost his family and his wife because the church became more important to him than the lives he created with a human being that he vowed "till death do us part". so your parental characters are awsome and I was nodding my head that thinking.. yup yup yup.

    however.. I think that the story lacks substance. This is a ruff outline I know, so I can't say how it will turn out, and you may be able to pull it off. I can see this being, perhaps the basic story. Perhaps creating stories for each character... in their own perspective. The parents story of where they went wrong. The confused brother wondering what the fuck has happened to his family. I like the idea of when the brother is in the closet over hearing conversation.. maybe he can over here the boy who rapes his sister talking aboout how his parents dont believe in going to church. Maybe this boy can start testing his faith, and to twist it up, the boy how does the rape can gain his faith. I like the idea of him approaching the parents and suggesting marriage as a way to save their daughter while saving himself. anyway these are just some ideas... if you want to really get into depth you can email me and start feeding each other ideas and I can help you along the way with ideas. Obviously I can only give you feedback. I am in a good position to give ideas but the actually book is yours so I would like you to be the main force behind it... anyway.. if you want to get at me my email is Indomitabledesolation@hotmail.com I am always down for anti religious discussion haha. okay man take care... hope I helped out a little...

    ashes
    test
  3. Sun Zoo

    Sun Zoo Speech is my Hammer

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    word....thanks very much, what you've said here is incredibly helpful and I'm glad to hear that my characters seem accurate to other people. I do plan to addd the sort of backstories and etc. that you mention, so I will keep your email on file and probably get at you later at some point for discussion of some sort...maybe when i have a rough draft of the first chapter
    test
  4. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    I look forward to it!! (also I have aol instant messanger (manmadeofashes) if you want some back and forth discussion hit me up
    test
  5. Sykda

    Sykda New Member

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    Okay...
    This seems to be really cool.. Everyones personalitys seem real nice and seem to fit perfectly.. This is something that seems like it would be amovie.. or movie material. THe characters real nice.. The plot is real nice too.. I like the whole religious thing. And I like the ending... Real nice... ANd you introduced the novel real well too...

    This seems like Romeo and juliet all mosst... Parents demanding, children know what they want... Someone "loves" (in this case, Jude rapes/loves Mary) someone else w/out the other loving them(In RandJ, Paris loves Juliet)... Parents want child to marry someone they dont love.. They dont.. Murder at/near the end...

    See the similarities??? I do... I cant wait to read this.. Seems really good and well laid out..But one thing... Mary doesnt get in trouble w/ the law for killing the child?? I just want you to not forget the punishment or w/e so that it can seem more realistic...

    Overall, very nice lay out and plot.
    test
  6. Sun Zoo

    Sun Zoo Speech is my Hammer

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    wow, damn good point with mary getting in trouble with the law. I HAD forgotten about that. She's a minor...so I dont know, what sort of trouble would that lead to....the actual story really ends when the baby dies but for wrapping up the ends i should figure that out...thanks man
    test
  7. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    okay check this out (going off of sykda's comment) you say no one can find mary. Well ... the cops should arrest mary, and this is how the parents find mary... they visit her in jail and bring they boy jude with them, and this is where he proposes to her.. with the parents there to reinforce the idea!!! ahaha.. its getting better and better!
    test
  8. Sykda

    Sykda New Member

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    Or... Mary goes to jail.. Parents find out.. They walk in to visit, and it ends with her seeing them walk in and following them comes jude.. Drop the proposal idea.. LoL.. Who proposes in jail?? (Dont answer that)...

    OR

    Parents done visiting her in jail. After they leave, not moments later Gabe walks in.. And while they are visiting, in comes the famous Jude.... And Marys jaw drops, and Gabe looks at him like WTF are you doing and whooops his ass in the jail and Mary and Gabe end up being in jail together.. LOL... J/P about the whooping the ass part though...
    test
  9. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

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    i hope no one propses in jail.. that is sort of the point. it establishes the mentality of the parents.. you cant have my daughter but you must get married to save yourself from the vengence of God. it doesnt have to be, drop on one knee proposal.. most of the parents saying.. listen mary.... god will forgive you if you do the right thing. la l al a.. anyway.. I these are just ideas. I think to make a good movie or book you need shit that isnt average... its like... it doesnt happen so we should discard the idea. shock factor is huge when it comes to the promotion of feelings.. and isnt that what we all want when we watch a movie or read a book?
    test
  10. Sun Zoo

    Sun Zoo Speech is my Hammer

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    true...i'm thinking about all of this and i suspect an answer will come to me by the time i get to the end of the book. so far i have about 1,200 words so that wont be for quite a while. anyway, any further input would be awesome, and as a sidenote, Gabe is only like 9 years old so he would have trouble whooping Jude's ass
    test
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