there she goes

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by the Guy with a Pen, Oct 15, 2004.

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  1. the Guy with a Pen

    the Guy with a Pen a Svan Production

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    [something a little different, style wise]


    ehh, whoa..

    ".. look at her.. "

    .. there she goes,
    doubled dipped in an elicit pose
    I'm lost in the colors of her eyes,
    she's toned down the rainbow road..
    ah, look at her..
    .. there she goes,

    shes lost in my heart, or I am hers
    I can't figure it out right now,
    I'm still sliding down her curves

    I do believe it is safe to say I'm altered
    at an altar, about to worship all her dirty tricks
    that dirty bitch,
    I wish I could retaliate with the same tools she hurt me with
    I'm a blind fool.

    there she goes
    destroying my life again
    treating sacred artifacts like toys and hiding them
    so I search, I dig for an escape hatch
    I've turned 34 rooms upside down, and I'm upside down
    if this is some kind of game,

    "..coach, Coach! take me out.."
    test
  2. quotive

    quotive 3

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    Oh shit, thats .. dope. I can relate, knowing a beautiful girl, and damn. You're poetry is fucking brilliant man.. you the best descriptions.

    Haha that made me laugh. This is the only part I didn't like. Besides this, its perfect.


    Dope post, I coulda swore you posted a poem w/ the same name way back when, cuz I went and looked through you and Chyll's stuff.

    Catch you later..
    test
  3. Sun_Flower

    Sun_Flower Bluez By Loves Eye

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    Nice read kind of different to what I normally read from you, but it was a good read. Thought it would be longer, wanted more.
    test
  4. BrokenSoul8604

    BrokenSoul8604 Apparently Emotionless

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    very unique approach....feelin the beginning....

    sounds like a situation where you'd just be talkin to your friends and then you caught a glance of her....and your mind just went in that direction....saying look at her.

    shit was ill

    Stay up

    God Bless
    test
  5. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    Woooooord up!


    hmmmmm

    trying something different

    interesting style



    Score Card

    Imagery – 6/10

    like the discripition you gave for this girl...good imagery in that first stanza....crazy....that rainbow line?!??!

    Metaphors – 7/10

    Kinda diggin the lil metaphors you using here...the game to win the dame..."TAKE ME OUT COACH"...lol.....and the line about sliding down her curves...LMAO....

    nice job here.....(could of expanded a lil more on this...but I can tell you was experimenting...dont limit yourself)

    Personification – 2.5/10

    Couldnt do much here....but again that rainbow line was nice

    Rhyme – 9/10

    Mos def one of the strong areas in this poem...I love when I read rhymes I dont see coming....you have a gift with rhyming the unexpected...very nice....props here

    Originality – 8/10

    Idea and approach was original...wish it was longer....felt like you was telling a lil story here....happy at first...then confusion...angry...and then the ending just get me out of this...LOL....cool concept



    PEACE and GODBLESS
    test
  6. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    "I wish I could retaliate with the same tools she hurt me with
    I'm a blind fool."

    When you see something you like and cant do shit about it, it hurts sometimes.

    Really like the approach you came with on this poem, mos def different from your other i've seen from you. The first stanza reminded me of something Langston Hughes would have wrote. Just the way it was put down.

    One luv
    test
  7. Wicked5744

    Wicked5744 Last I awoke, it was morn

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    I don't know what it is. But I think while I was reading this I confused myself. I read it again though and it came through quite clear. I was feelin the style of this piece. Very nice drop man. I've never had to really read a piece twice to get it. I guess congrats. lol. Keep the ink flowin.
    test
  8. SmokeyMcBluff

    SmokeyMcBluff New Member

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    god damn...talk about feelin some shit...i read this and i wanted to scream that shit out loud...i usually just come here and read and enjoy but a couple of you guys make me reply...just perfect man...perfect.
    test
  9. PotHead

    PotHead average brilliance

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    wow, this fell to the second page.. and you replied,



    thanks man.
    test
  10. MarQuise*

    MarQuise* Can You Hear Me*

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    Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa lol!

    damn im Lv'n this, this was jus krazy, it was such a different approach to poetry, i Lv'd the lil alliteration you had goin on 'double dipped' lol, it was like on my tongue for a while lol!

    Every stanza stood out, damn feelin this one =)

    Stay Up...

    Much Lv
    *S*
    test
  11. MzDee

    MzDee Where Stars Fall.....

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    from beginning to end this was a wonderful poem im digging it
    test
  12. InTheStars

    InTheStars Reflective

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    The style that you came with with this poem is definatley different and I appauld you on that. I thought it was tight. Nice piece.

    Loving
    test
  13. quotive

    quotive 3

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    Upping.. best piece I've peeped in a minute, LOVE this shit!
    test
  14. PotHead

    PotHead average brilliance

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    thanks for the love guys,

    :thumb:
    test
  15. MC_Paste

    MC_Paste

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    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=814247 .. .return the love

    alright as for this

    dope shit yo...
    had 13 replies so I knew I had to check it out

    felt it .. especially that part eveyroen quoted... Iwas like DAMN .. .right on

    shes lost in my heart, or I am hers
    I can't figure it out right now,
    I'm still sliding down her curves

    word... that was dope too
    test
  16. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

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    i really liked this it was tight, it read a little like a song. it had a good scheme, stay up
    test
  17. WordStylez

    WordStylez New Member

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    Wow this is good....the first poem I've read here and it's amazing...you really have some talent....

    Your descriptions and metaphors are pretty masterful.

    ~1 Luv~
    test
  18. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

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    This pretty much sums up me up in a nutshell... lmao...

    The wordplay and syllabic structure was omni-present - Helped me carry your emotions through further... A good piece here, hostile yet innocent... very nice post... I enjoyed this...




    If you will;
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=814443
    test
  19. Average Joe

    Average Joe It Is What It Is

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    damn man that was a great poem i was feelin your style that second stanza was amazing

    keep up the good work
    test
  20. Thaumaturge

    Thaumaturge New Member

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    It was ok, I really don't like poems that cuss, just another form of idiocism to me..as though you can't think of anything better than a curse word?

    thats just me personally though

    other than that, as far as the writing goes you never got too incredibly deep or anything of that matter, just seemed simplistic to me. I was feeling the ending right before "coach take me out" the best.
    Rest just didn't appeal to me, keep up
    test
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