The Thing About Progress Is...

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by ScimonomicS, Mar 5, 2011.

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  1. ScimonomicS

    ScimonomicS New Member

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    The Thing About Progress Is...

    Science isn’t always pretty. Sometimes
    it’s pigs drenched in acid to understand
    the current trends in body disposal,

    how the molecules in the acid
    break down the molecules in the entire
    body within minutes. It is sometimes

    the uneducated jerk on the sidelines
    suddenly away from the chest to pop
    a shoulder bone back into the proper

    position. It can’t explain the layer-
    cake of pain experienced by the wide-
    out more than his snarling lip does, the band

    stumbling across midfield through smoke
    on the water
    oddly blaring from the
    open end of hand me down trumpets.

    It was always cadaver grey on the
    drive back home, the decommissioned cooling
    tower hulking next to the relentless

    highway protruding out of the darkness,
    a concrete mistake stuck in the landscape
    before it was blown from the horizon.

    Kennedy convinced us it was shooting
    men in to space trapped inside a capsule
    to test nine irons on cosmic fairways.

    For kids, it’s smashed insects, staring at
    the bottom of their shoe deciphering
    the bugs guts splattered against the rubber

    In the 90’s it was cute animals
    wearing lipstick in cages like mini
    gogo dancers gyrating awkwardly

    to the rhythm of the laboratory.



    -Lane Patrick '11
    test
  2. ScimonomicS

    ScimonomicS New Member

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    took a poetry class this term and it reignited my passion for writing. this poem is very much a work in progress but feel free to give any feedback you see fit.
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    I thought over all the science theme -the central part of this poem- got very lost in the metaphors and analogies, almost inappropriately done.

    Though it was very well written, did not like the structure where one stanza would end and the next would pick up with the lasts thoughts.


    Though you have some very good lines, especially these two IMO. gave me goose bumps:

    highway protruding out of the darkness,
    a concrete mistake stuck in the landscape
    before it was blown from the horizon.

    Kennedy convinced us it was shooting
    men in to space trapped inside a capsule
    to test nine irons on cosmic fairways.


    wow
    test
  4. ScimonomicS

    ScimonomicS New Member

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    thanks for the feedback. I'm still thinking of ways to approach this poem. Yes the theme is "science" but this is in no way meant to be a scientific poem or a poem that in any way explores scientific theory at any depth. I'm specifically attempting to do the opposite of that. This is the kind of poem that I'll probably work on until it gets to around 75-100 lines and then pare it down significantly.
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    awesome, looking forward to see revisions. post them here will ya ?
    test
  6. ScimonomicS

    ScimonomicS New Member

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    will do my friend!
    test
  7. hearstothemute

    hearstothemute New Member

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    i can agree with the concept of science being a bit lost in the shuffle. scientific or historically based pieces are hard to do unless you have a vast knowledge of such. without fact and the type of insight that is gathered from truly knowing the subject at hand, resting the integrity of your piece on the shoulders of common thought with this topic, falls short of entertaining. with that being said, i did really enjoy the piece when i took it stanza by stanza. i found myself bored in the beginning, but once i reached the "smoke on the water" stanza the piece really started to pick up steam. the whole misleading nature of the ending word being the beginning of a newer line is a pretty cool flash technique. i wouldn't recommend over doing it though. it's one of those techniques that works best when it feels unique to a piece rather than one after another after another. keep it writing and working it out.
    test
  8. ScimonomicS

    ScimonomicS New Member

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    now THAT is feedback. thank you very much wise newcomer.

    almost everybody hates the beginning of this poem and is either bored or confused by it but really start to enjoy it after, like you said, it picks up half way through. whats interesting to note is that i added stanzas 6-9 in a first revision and that part is what people seem to like the most. I tend to agree, so it seems that I'm on the right track. This poem is currently undergoing revision, I'll definitely update you when I edit w/ the revision.

    Thanks again for the thoughtful feedback, its much appreciated and does not go unheeded.
    test
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