the power of smell

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by screamer, Sep 2, 2005.

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  1. screamer

    screamer New Member

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    Dec 9, 2004
    Messages:
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    The first time I fell into
    the scent of you
    is when I knew
    that that trace would
    linger
    whisper
    in the remnants of my longing
    And I was waiting
    Waiting
    to drink that smell
    But these thoughts had no words
    like a clock with no ticking
    And I slipped into your water
    with no change of temperature
    …as if we had no beginning…

    And nothing could come to mind
    No simple words of poetry
    I am just floating
    drenched in a musk that permeates my being
    sweat
    salt
    stirs life into an ocean of once wasted tears
    It’s everything
    It’s nothing
    but neck-pant murmurs
    rhythmic pleasures
    unlabeled lovers
    simply… being

    this is the power of smell








    hey ashes, I think it does sound better this way.... thanks for your suggestion!
    test
  2. itdontmatter2me

    itdontmatter2me New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2004
    Messages:
    1,772
    I could easily relate to some of this,
    The entire poem is real smooth and emotion is very nice

    "But these thoughts had no words
    like a clock with no ticking
    And I slipped into your water
    with no change of temperature
    …as if we had no beginning…"
    ^ Those lines were the ones I felt the most
    test
  3. ManMadeofAshes

    ManMadeofAshes *DREAMER

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2004
    Messages:
    635
    well I go like the poem. concept is good. the sense that retrieves old memories most easily is smell. Something you learn in psychology. Having said that I dont like the two lines. I feel like it was wasted space. I already know the basics, what I want from you is the unique twist that you have. That comes later.

    this is just opinion but I think that your poem is between your first two lines and your last line. To me those are just words that don't add to the content of the poem.

    "But these thoughts had no words
    like a clock with no ticking
    And I slipped into your water
    with no change of temperature
    …as if we had no beginning…"

    ^ awsome right here. I love the image and the way you led into this idea of no beginning.

    good read. stay up. (and its good to see you, havent seen you around much lately)

    -ashes
    test
  4. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

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    Jul 26, 2002
    Messages:
    3,706
    outstanding. really beautiful. the same lines quoted above were the ones i was going to put up
    test
  5. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

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    Messages:
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    ^

    outstanding. really beautiful. the same lines quoted above were the ones i was going to put up
    test
  6. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    its been awhile scream.....this was a breath of fresh air....I read this and it just seemed so smooth and peaceful.....the subject matter matched the poem itself....the format and all....really set the tone and mood for the piece....I like the second half the most......powerful word-play....and unexpected flow

    peace
    test
  7. AlmostFamous

    AlmostFamous U got a problem?

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2005
    Messages:
    2,789
    The first time I fell into
    the scent of you
    is when I knew
    that that trace would
    linger
    whisper
    in the remnants of my longing
    And I was waiting
    Waiting
    to drink that smell
    But these thoughts had no words

    i dont know what to say to this... your use of of analogies in this poem is top notch stuff... mos def...

    *shakes head* i love it.....lol :)
    test
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