The day the earth fell

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Alexanderdahate, Nov 25, 2004.

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  1. Alexanderdahate

    Alexanderdahate New Member

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    when the earth went cold

    i woulda liked to leave this poem untitled but i just couldn't it has a surrealist feel to it , actually i've now changed the name



    when the earth went cold


    It was a silent day, a day that spoke only in echoes.

    Melancholy whispers that only fell on the ears, of those whose bodies were liberated into the ash of winter. Never to speak in the rain without having it’s harmony pass through the ghost of their body.

    Funeral stone summer incense washed across the sky, it’s body a symphony spun from the lips of the discorded lady of time.

    She blew the scent of tomorrow that would never come over the roses that thorned the skin, where they first opened their eyes to breath in a chapter of sunlight, that gave them life.

    Shy embers of sunlight feinted the night. It threatened the choice of the heavens. And fates ancient lunar species of prophesy. by trying to break the eternity of midnight.

    The lullaby has spoken.

    The sunset admonished its palace to raise it’s eyes again from it’s already ashen grave, humanity pieced together in crystal, a coffin made of soul crafted from bone.

    The east would never see the cemetery moon or the sun whose ray’s of light carried amnesia, the wisps of light that found their influence in the veins of the dreamer’s paradise, that lay luminary in the sky.

    It gave the summer goddess winter's blues in her month of solstice. glacial moonlight felicity found it’s body into every night of her sunlight solitude.

    The earth faded into memory ,an elysian relic, life would not recede, Avalon teased to be real just like the god’s wished they weren’t Greek in the era of Christian epiphany .

    Life would not recede the earth was seeded with sunsets that carried breath as if it moved on a utopian kiss that fell from the requiem of the sky


    The Last words gilded in time dreamers will only breath in this nothingness. if only the hour glass could be turned over and lingeried with a smile but the earth has broken chalice and fallen into the sand of time, it took it’s suns as the saviors and fell into the tower. The world has moved on
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  2. Brandyyy

    Brandyyy that shorty ;]

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    wow. its very strong.. but most of ur poems are lol.
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  3. Alexanderdahate

    Alexanderdahate New Member

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    uppin give me some honest opinions
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  4. Hidden_Poetry

    Hidden_Poetry New Member

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    Very nice! Nice punctuation too! LOL
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  5. Alexanderdahate

    Alexanderdahate New Member

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    45 views and 3 replies come on opinions please
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  6. It was a silent day, a day that spoke only in echoes. Melancholy whispers that only fell on the ears, of those whose bodies were liberated into the ash of winter. Never to speak in the rain without having it’s harmony pass through the ghost of their body.

    The beginning here seems to follow the mood of the title. 'Gloom', 'melancholy whispers', 'ghosts' and 'rain' all contribute to the darkening, dull and heavy introduction. The whispers melancholic only falling on the bodies liberated by the ash of winter feels a severe irony, because to be liberated by winter seems unlikely, but to be freed in its burn which turns to ash?!? Impossible. This is very powerfull.

    Funeral stone summer incense washed across the sky, it’s body a symphony spun from the lips of the discorded lady of time. She blew the scent of tomorrow that would never come over the roses that thorned the skin, where they first opened their eyes to breath in a chapter of sunlight, that gave them life.

    It is quite hard to imagine ' funeral stone summer incense washing across the sky' and I am unsure of what this means, but the body spinning a symphony from the discorded lady of time embodies the first line. So the funeral stone seems to be the a part of the woman. A soul; maybe, spirit of the woman, or perhaps, because it washed across the sky, its some abstract entity, or ocean carrying a symphony with chasing mermaids..It could be anything really. I like the idea of time, and links to it in this part, such as 'time', 'tommorow' and 'chapters'. It has a nice rhythm with imagery and the flow of the lines merging smoothly.

    Shy embers of sunlight feinted the night. It threatened the choice of the heavens. And fates ancient lunar species of prophesy. by trying to break the eternity of midnight.The lullaby has spoken.The sunset admonished its palace to raise it’s eyes again from it’s already ashen grave, humanity pieced together in crystal, a coffin made of soul crafted from bone.

    This really makes the reader imagine some far out things. Lunar species of prophesy, a palace with eyes in an ashy grave tryng to break the eternity of midnight. A lullaby, humanity amidts a crystal, a coffin, made of soul crafted in bone. This part leaves many questions and wonderings for the reader, such as, Why a lullaby there and what significance does it have? Bone is soul? an immortal soul? mortal because of its bones? what choice of the heavens etc.

    The east would never see the cemetery moon or the sun whose ray’s of light carried amnesia, the wisps of light that found their influence in the veins of the dreamer’s paradise, that lay luminary in the sky. It gave the summer goddess winter's blues in her month of solstice. glacial moonlight felicity found it’s body into every night of her sunlight solitude. The earth faded into memory ,an elysian relic, life would not recede, Avalon teased to be real just like the god’s wished they weren’t Greek in the era of Christian epiphany.

    This has some powerful imagery, 'Glacial moonlight', 'in sunlight solitude', 'in veins of a dreamers paradise'. Some great workings of intricacy moving in the depths of somewhere fragrently and unworldly to me. The idea of greek Gods wishing they were not at the times of christian thought was one of my favourite parts; It really shows the strength of your Ideas and imagination.

    Life would not recede the earth was seeded with sunsets that carried breath as if it moved on a utopian kiss that fell from the requiem of the sky The Last words gilded in time dreamers will only breath in this nothingness. if only the hour glass could be turned over and lingeried with a smile but the earth has broken chalice and fallen into the sand of time, it took it’s suns as the saviors and fell into the tower. The world has moved on.

    I found this last part the most moving, it contained some poignant emotion. The 'utopian kiss' falling from the requiem of the sky; 'last words gilded in dreamers' all add sentiment. If only, is the 'sigh' that brings I think the emotion, with the broken chalice of the earth falling into the sands of time taking the suns as saviours and fell into the tower'. The ending was my favourite part of the whole piece.

    Final thought:

    Some slight changes in grammar and punctuation would perhaps make it easier for you to put across your ideas which at times seem to build up so far that the reader may look too hard and strain to see, or not look long enough to catch what is beautiful underneathe. This balance can surely be attained, if that is what you wish of it. In writing, we are constantly evolving, and no doubt in time we shall look back and think we may want to change this or that, but the real beauty is in recognising that at that particular point, this was us, and to change a part of yesterday to become in words what we wish of it now, would be belittling to the development of us all. Never shun, from which you have become, for all yester works build bridges into tommorows majesty!

    Never give up

    Blessings be with you.
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  7. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    ^Look at Brit breaking down pieces. Why you never do any of my poems like that man lol?

    Anyway you put some powerful imagery into this piece. I think it would have done the piece good if you would have set it up in stanzas. Just seemed like everything was bunched up together.


    One luv
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  8. ChyllTyrant

    ChyllTyrant AmIEternalOrAnEternalist?

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    beautiful man... maybe i've never read anything by you before, or maybe reading this was like discovering you for the first time...

    but this showed a great amount of talant with imagery and poetic philosophy... great stuff. keep writing...

    PEACE
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  9. normally cus of time I keep it quite brief, besides, I haven't seen you post in awhile? get to it man!
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  10. Alexanderdahate

    Alexanderdahate New Member

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    thanks for the break down maun
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  11. absolute zero

    absolute zero Among the living

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    wow. This is pretty good. Incredible considering the fact that the only thing I know you for is for your paragraph long, no punctuation disses to people in the gallery.

    Vivid.......nice.
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  12. Justin85

    Justin85 True Poetical Emcee

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    i thought this piece was pretty good.. really reminds me of the type of material I like to write. Really well written.. I enjoyed it.

    Justin
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  13. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    Abosolute, this poem was posted last year. Why did you up it for?
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