The Air on my Eyes

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Prov3rb, Feb 19, 2013.

  1. Prov3rb

    Prov3rb Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2013
    Messages:
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    Hey guys, relatively new around here and this is my first post. I don't do a lot of rhyme schemes or structure at all, I'm more of one of those guys that just writes random shit and calls it a "freeverse" but anyways here is one of my more recent ones.

    And yes I know the verb tenses are whacked idk what happened there.


    Out of the darkness I came

    Another attempt at meeting the outside

    Inhaling the air so crisp

    I found myself welcomed

    The smell of the air I breathed

    Never tasted so sweet

    And stale at the same time

    The air I desired was that of others’ exhale.

    Welcomed I was, and outside I stayed.

    I could see through the beauty,

    A deeper layer of concealed dirt.

    But that didn’t matter

    As long as I was breathing with them.

    Yet it wasn’t long after, that we moved

    And the beauty eroded to reveal

    The dirt I saw the whole time.

    The breathes I took getting thinner.

    I looked around, to see if they were with me

    But they inhaled deep as ever,

    And I fell to my knees, crying

    Reaching for their help.

    They could see me, couldn’t they?

    Before I knew it the outside swallowed me;

    And the darkness took over again.

    Their eyes had seen and accepted me.

    Little did I know,

    That one change of vantage

    Would erase me from their view,

    And leave me where I started.

    Submerged again, all I see is me

    But this sight isn’t one I would trade again

    Blinded to both the light and the dirt

    I don’t ever need to look out again.
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    test
  2. Mikaella Ocean

    Mikaella Ocean Well-Known Member

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    this came across to me like a self assured anthem! I enjoyed it, keep marching!
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  3. jesuit223

    jesuit223 Member

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    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
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    This was eloquent and the imagery was spectacular, and all the same it left so much room for the imagination; thanks!!!
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  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    I like your voice here, it's in charge and that makes the piece read with some authority cat...some lines were a bit used up, but still some were real nice. I especially love the title

    I'm going to have to steal that line from you.
    test
  5. Prov3rb

    Prov3rb Member

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    Jan 28, 2013
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    Thank you all for the feedback! And by all means @Coup d'état feel free to use that ;)
    test
  6. MissAndrya

    MissAndrya Evolution is what is.

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    Enjoyable piece, thanks for sharing.
    test
  7. Spitblaze

    Spitblaze New Member

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    May 17, 2010
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    I love it! nice emotions & I'd love how you express yourself.
    test
  8. SAMARA

    SAMARA truth is a sword

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    interesting poem.

    i had a feeling of when one is looking out of window.

    good drop.
    test

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