tell me what you think...be very brutally honest

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by unspoken1, May 25, 2003.

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  1. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

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    so close we were
    on that monday where only the stars joined us
    i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
    wished for it to last forever
    opening my eyes hoping the moment stayed the way it was for eternity
    your eyes interlocked in mine
    together we were
    as i look in your eyes
    and you gaze upon mine i hope you realize how i felt
    i was afraid to really let you know but i just hoped you already knew
    now im without you
    all i hav are my memories of us together
    cuz on that night which you left me forever
    i cried
    i cried because of the words that went unsaid
    went unspoken before you were dead
    all i wanted you to know was i loved you
    but now i will never know if that feeling which i felt during that moment was returned
    and as i look down at you in you casket
    i think back to that moment
    that moment where i wished it would last forever
    i realized it came true
    for you will always be in my memories
    you will always be in my heart
    your voice will always be in my soul
    and i will always love you
    test
  2. varentao

    varentao New Member

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    To be blunt.

    I cannot critique this. For the subject itself hits hard and deep. Oh so hard and deep..

    The piece was raw...raw with the subject matter...

    ...*silence*

    ..resp...
    test
  3. MISSKEYdaQUEEN

    MISSKEYdaQUEEN Watch the black panther..

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    This piece is good...kind of threw me off at first with the whole "left me forever" because I wasn't sure if she just left or...died.

    Of course you read on and get hit with the blunt reality...and you are left in awe!!

    I'm feelin it no doubt!
    test
  4. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

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    exactly. ^
    test
  5. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

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    I agree with MISSKEY, it would throw you off for the first few lines, due to not being exact if she left you from death or just plain walked out've the door. Although, it was mostly you thinking in your own mind and saying what you were knowing of the situation, not the others who were reading. Poetry is yours, not others, but could be. But, be more exact from the beginning, before the reader becomes confused. Simply an elegant piece, I must say. My blessings..
    test
  6. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

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    test
  7. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

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    nice poem right here

    very deep...might have to read it a few more times to catch it all

    "i cried because of the words that went unsaid
    went unspoken before you were dead"


    man thats my worst fear...if I ever loose a love one lines like that will forever hunt my soul

    Much props on this one

    PEACE AND GODBLESS
    test
  8. icedemond666

    icedemond666 §pilla illest killa

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    Amazing... i feel your words that was great how you described your feeling and it was raw.. you wrote how you felt and i like that It was good verry good much props keep it up
    test
  9. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

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    thank you my fellow humans
    test
  10. unspoken1

    unspoken1 Revolutionary Wordsmen

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    test
  11. Poetic N Nature

    Poetic N Nature New Member

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    very nice... the beginning is a little thrown together... doesn't quite have the same easy to read flow as with the turn of events and beyond. I would polish up the beginning... maybe change some the diction... ya used the same words a couple of times that could be why it is a little hard to read through..

    7/10
    test
  12. lpoet

    lpoet POET

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    damn....my bad...guess i was sleepin for awhile....

    i know u was like

    fuck is lpoet....lol

    this is dope...i actually like the begining of this piece....

    i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
    wished for it to last forever

    was my fav line...can relate to shit like this

    keep doin ya thank kid...

    up
    test
  13. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

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    waaou...


    "so close we were
    on that monday where only the stars joined us
    i wanted this moment to last forever so i closed my eyes as tight has i could and wished
    wished for it to last forever..."

    "and as i look down at you in you casket
    i think back to that moment
    that moment where i wished it would last forever
    i realized it came true
    for you will always be in my memories
    you will always be in my heart
    your voice will always be in my soul
    and i will always love you"


    saddening indeed, but twas very deep... it actually almost moved me to tears... for some it may have hit home... i hope i never lose a loved one like that... nice job.
    test
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