Stupid Pictures...

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Xero Satsujin, Apr 29, 2004.

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  1. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Been through a lot lately, knowing there's more to come I'm going to key this up right quick...if it's a little jumpy or whatever, it's because of the lack of sleep and plenty of caffine...

    Standing on the edge
    Knowing it's much too deep
    Even the oceans ask me
    What secrets do you keep?
    Fallilng from under
    Cradled to sleep
    Like a child without a mom
    Oh how I wheep

    Not understanding
    Yet the view is clear
    foreign invaders of the mind
    Wanting what I held so near
    It was supposed to be all mine
    A song nobody else could hear
    Now spread forth like light
    Hmph...I'm still here

    Dying and crying to figure this out
    What did I do wrong?
    Compassion, honesty, trust and love
    Emotions beared and carried by the strong
    I should have known better
    Can't keep carrying on too long

    You don't love me
    Only the image that you hold
    I have feeling and sentiment
    While the image is cold
    Not afraid to get to know that
    But I am more than that ten fold
    The image is just for you though
    Truth cannot be contained or controlled

    It hurts
    Knowing there's more
    Somebody else in the picture
    But that's what this lesson's for
    To let go and never settle
    And just like I said before
    I should have known better...







    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=737155
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=737292
    http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=737295
    test
  2. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

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    WOw this was kind of different. Like you want some one in a selfish but you can't have them like that and it just eats at you. Well that's what I got out of it anyways. Really liked how it started off, with the ocean asking you a question. I seem to have a fasination with water, weather it be rain or a body of water, but I hate swimming, dont know why. ANyways this was a nice piece emotion was pretty high and almost despirate


    Stay Up, Much Love, Peace
    test
  3. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

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    17,331
    Yeah I gotta go with 'nakey on this. This was a very depressing piece man. Kinda felt like you're two steps away from heaven and you keep trippin at them last steps. But you wont give up, no matter how bad the fall is.....did that make sense? lol


    Different approach you came with. I notice that you dont really have just one structure style you write with. That's something i've been really trying to do myself. But it's so hard for me.

    one luv
    test
  4. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Aight, thanx for peepin this piece...it is a depressing piece, but I'll live...Anyhow, this is actually inspired by this little BS piece I wrote right here that I didn't even bother to post. Wasn't going to post this either, but eh, why not???



    "My life isn't worth living. My time isn't worth giving. Too many people in a single picture. Yet they all fade none being permanent fixtures. Time for no one, not even myself. I blockade the walls of me and climb back on the shelf.

    Safe it seems but for how long? Moments of despair are unbearable even to the strong. Is it the other man that I'm not supposed to see? Standing in the mirrored reflection I used to call me. His soul dancing to the hearts rhythmic beat. Being who I am, I've learned to recognize defeat..."


    ^^that's the little piece I referred to...Anyway, thanx Mind Soul for noticing the change in style, I try...
    test
  5. quotive

    quotive 3

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    13,756
    You don't love me
    Only the image that you hold
    I have feeling and sentiment
    While the image is cold
    Not afraid to get to know that
    But I am more than that ten fold
    The image is just for you though
    Truth cannot be contained or controlled

    It hurts
    Knowing there's more
    Somebody else in the picture
    But that's what this lesson's for
    To let go and never settle
    And just like I said before
    I should have known better...


    Damn, good ass poem yo... I could DEFINITELY relate to that part. Kind of like I wrote it myself or something. I hope everythings straight with you, yo.

    I enjoyed readin this... Start could use some editing..

    1
    test
  6. Surreal The A.D. Prophet

    Surreal The A.D. Prophet Wondrous Poetic

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    2,095
    Overall above average

    suffers typical keystyle sypmtoms though... but this would be something to reckon with if you put some energy into editing.

    some obvious rhyme taken out, and a more intentional cadence and i would be happier than a sissy with a bag full o peni
    test
  7. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Surreal is funny, lol...this will never hit the editing block, it's just stress put into words for me with this piece...Yeah I know it could use it pretty badly, but I'll never get around to it...Thanx for noticin that though...As far as everything bein alright with me, eh, I'll live...
    test
  8. Wicked5744

    Wicked5744 Last I awoke, it was morn

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    1,490
    Even the oceans ask me
    What secrets do you keep?

    That is a very hot line to me. Just a good use of words and objects to make emphasis on the line. I was really feelin this piece man. This piece is hot beyond belief, keep sippin that caffeine to keep droppin. As the ink flows...
    test
  9. Peanut Buttah

    Peanut Buttah New Member

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    "You don't love me
    Only the image that you hold
    I have feeling and sentiment
    While the image is cold"

    That is so insanely ...insane. WOW.
    test
  10. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    ^^I see you're new to the realm...hmm...gonna go read ya piece before I take off outta here...Anyway, thanx for checkin me...Wicked, thanx for stoppin in on me...peace...
    test
  11. This was nice. The title was intriguing. At first I thought it was just about the mysteries you felt about life and the part you play--wanting to know your own secrets when the ocean was asking you..It was like you were seeking an absolution and too belong... Towards the end I realised you were talking about someone who you want that ha someone else, and the title all made sense..the title was really creative..just being blunt about how ya feel..The first couple of stanzas stood out for me..Good job
    test
  12. iLL Script.

    iLL Script. ~Poetic~

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    15,884
    Dying and crying to figure this out
    What did I do wrong?
    Compassion, honesty, trust and love
    Emotions beared and carried by the strong
    I should have known better
    Can't keep carrying on too long


    i liked dis, really. liked tha stanza above best. dats tha same question i keep askin' myself also, what did i do wrong?. anyway again i liked this piece. shame we both goin' thru shit, keep ya head up
    test
  13. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

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    4,076
    ive been thru this time after time
    when you wish you controlled your emotions better
    sometimes you end up showin someone a little to much love
    and they dont understand it...
    you thought they did,but you couldnt have been more wrong
    test
  14. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    Aight, everybody thanx for peepin this piece. Didn't expect too many replies on this one...I would have to that Eloquent Poet and AllNakey got the straight forward approach on whatsup...Thanx...peace...
    test
  15. Quintin_Warden

    Quintin_Warden Online Terrorist

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    i think it was good. sounds like you got some girl problems and some buried truths exposed about you, keep up i liiked this one but not as much as some of your other cool ones, peace
    test
  16. illpoetical

    illpoetical raising the bar everyday

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    this is powerful in it's simplicity. i think it says alot without trying too hard, i like the flow and the texture that it is written in, tight piece.
    test
  17. Xero Satsujin

    Xero Satsujin OnLy gOd kNoWs oR Goes

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    The best writing comes when you are not trying to be the best -illpoetical
    test
  18. ChyllTyrant

    ChyllTyrant AmIEternalOrAnEternalist?

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    this was pretty good... definitely some emotion behind this one... but it's not as good as some of the other work i've seen from you...

    kind of left me wishing for more depth...

    Standing on the edge
    Knowing it's much too deep
    Even the oceans ask me
    What secrets do you keep?
    ^that was definitely hot^

    PEACE
    test
  19. Sporadic

    Sporadic New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2004
    Messages:
    124
    "Even the oceans ask me
    What secrets do you keep?" - liked how you put that...nice work on that line

    "Dying and crying to figure this out
    What did I do wrong?
    Compassion, honesty, trust and love
    Emotions beared and carried by the strong
    I should have known better" - I can relate to that in the worst way. I mean, Ive been there more than too many times man, I guess it's good to see someone out there has been through the same shit. Good shit...

    "It hurts
    Knowing there's more
    Somebody else in the picture
    But that's what this lesson's for
    To let go and never settle
    And just like I said before
    I should have known better..." - my favorite part...I mean, I'm going through that RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK. There's always something in the way of getting what you truly desire. But anyways, great piece, I just think when you go to edit it will be a lot better, and not as rough around the edges...great work for a rough draft especially...I give this a solid 7/10...duece trey like jordan
    test
  20. misspimp

    misspimp a.k.a KATURAH

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    damn mann, i dont want to qoute anything from out of this because the whole piece was wonderful...got me damn near bout to cry over here. The whole concept was so truthful...and the way u expressed the concept made it very clear that this piece was straight from the heart...loved this!!

    mad love
    test
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