Stalking vs Pursuing

Discussion in 'Ladies Lounge' started by Ignorant, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    Is there a thick or thin line between the two?

    I say thick... too many people become paranoid and call every little form of pursuit "stalking," when I don't think it's always an appropriate description.

    Stalking, to me, is pursuing someone AFTER they have refused your advances and let you know that he/she isn't interested. It also can describe extreme forms of pursuit such as background checks, following, and staking out the target's premises. These to me are clearly examples of stalking, because they cross the line into "obsession," which is a different and extreme form of infatuation or being enamored.

    Getting a phone number through a mutual friend and calling up your target of love isn't stalking, but simply pursuing. Trying to sit next to him/her in class is also pursuing.

    What do you think? Give examples and explain why you feel the way that you do.

    [note: Before anyone wonders, I'm not pursuing or stalking anyone. I's a faithful husband with an erratic tendency for profane flirting, but other than that I'mm loyal.]
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  2. mr.rip

    mr.rip New Member

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    Stalking to me is having an obsession with someone that you like a little to much.

    now that back ground checking lol thats some ole murder she wrote type shit haha.

    you got to much time on your hand if you can do all that bullshit lol.
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  3. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    Yeah, some people throw the term "stalking" around when it doesn't apply... to the point where it has become cliche (like the word "hating")... in those cases, I think a more appropriate word would be bug-a-boo, someone you might like but their attention is excessive or bothersome.

    But I think the line between stalking and pursuing is a lot thinner than some folks realize, and a lot of folks who consider themselves to be pursuing a person are really stalking them.

    I'd say, when it gets to the point where the person on the receiving end of the unwanted attention feels threatened or harrassed, its considered stalking. Sometimes the stalkee is too intimidated to confront the stalker or ask them to stop the behavior. A lot of the time, they just ignore the behavior, hoping it will go away.


    Heres some general info I found on stalking:

    Stalking is conservatively defined as "a course of conduct directed at a specific person that involves repeated (two or more occasions) visual or physical proximity, nonconsensual communication, or verbal, written, or implied threats, or a combination thereof, that would cause a reasonable person fear" (Tjaden and Thoennes,1998). Stalking behaviors also may include persistent patterns of leaving or sending the victim unwanted items or presents that may range from seemingly romantic to bizarre, following or laying in wait for the victim, damaging or threatening to damage the victim's property, defaming the victim's character, or harassing the victim via the Internet by posting personal information or spreading rumors about the victim. The overwhelming majority of victims are women (78 percent), and the majority of offenders (87 percent) are men. Nearly 60 percent of women and 30 percent of men are stalked by a current partner (Tjaden and Thoennes, 1998).

    Stalking | National Institute of Justice
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  4. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    And I think background checks are totally necessary, if you are in a serious relationship (keywords: "in a relationship", not just someone you are interested in).

    Just like most employers perform a background check... just like you'd pull up a carfax report and/or have a mechanic check out a vehicle you plan to buy... and the same way you'd have an inspector check out a house before you purchase (check the pipes, check for termites, water damage, etc)... I think it's wise to do your homework before significantly investing yourself into any relationship that can potentially prove to be a liability, so you know what you're getting yourself into.

    A guy I know of... military vet, married for 25+ years... he always says "Trust, but verify". And I totally agree.
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  5. samii so sexii

    samii so sexii ..sunkist siren..

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    ^^ background check?? that's a little extreme to me...maybe I just trust to easily [I have in the past...]


    anyway, I think there is a thick line.

    Stalking to me is hiding in the bushes and following someone around when your advances have been discouraged.

    But your examples of pursuit are a little extra. getting my number from other people and calling me up? I would raise an eyebrow to that.
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  6. Radium

    Radium f k

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    internet done changed the game though....

    I was in class once and I turned in a paper on my way out and I look back randomly and see this girl picking my paper up and looking at it

    for what was I can only guess to find my name out to google me for my facebook/myspace

    then I went home and really googled myself (not just my name but my e-mail address and I realized there was really a track of things that ultimately strung together all my internet activity from my blogs to my posts on forums to screen names and everything)

    and I was like damn

    with some work you could really find out a million and one things about somebody now
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  7. samii so sexii

    samii so sexii ..sunkist siren..

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    ^^ truth.

    i remember when i first found out about the reverse lookup on google. all you need is someone's phone number and now you can get directions to their house.

    crazy.
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  8. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    I would agree with you on the "too trusting" thing. Hell, even them lil' hole-in-the-wall department stores run a check on you before extending you credit to buy their crappy ass merchandise!
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  9. UnbrokeN

    UnbrokeN Well-Known Member

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    the chinese bitch keeps on visiting me at my job...shes lurking around in the hallways just to find me, shes obsessed and keeps on calling me through other peoples cellphones as well. i call that stalking.
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  10. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    ^^ I do, too.

    A guy at my old job used to do the same shit to me. I ended up quitting that job because of him.
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  11. Ignorant

    Ignorant Village Idiot

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    So is it more in the act or more in the fact that you may not be interested in the person?

    Because some people value persistence... like you see the pursuits in the movies and the soap operas... women watch that and call it romantic... but if the same thing happened in the real world, some of those same women might call it stalking. I don't get it.
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  12. x - calli

    x - calli friend of israel

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    being a stalker = life fail.

    honestly, pursuing as in trying to talk to someone, or going to mutual friends to try to get hooked up, is ok. but i think theres only a thin line to cross before its stalking. in general, persistent advances in spite of rejection or no response, and doing the shit that tighteyes posted in orange sums it up.

    still, theres different motivations and types of stalking imo. stalking in the traditional sense usually involves an emotional commitment on the part of the stalker.
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  13. Radium

    Radium f k

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    basically she has to feel you

    if she is not feeling you from the jump: its just stalking

    but if she is feeling you

    she will let you get away with damn near any crazy thing you do
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  14. samii so sexii

    samii so sexii ..sunkist siren..

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    real life example. happened to me at work today.

    so i work in a bank. a customer comes up to my window and he wants to cash a couple checks. im a talkative person, and they encourage us to talk to our customers [aka, build rapport...be nice...earn their trust]. so im choppin it up with the dude...giving him a hard time over claiming that he preferred living in Arizona to California. random shit. he leaves, and i help the next customer. next thing you know my boss tells me i have a call on line one.

    im puzzled and start thinkin the worse because i never get calls.

    after i finish up, i take the call and there's a guy like

    "hi sam, this is justin."

    im like "....."

    he goes "the guy from Arizona."

    im like "oh ok. how can i help you?" [im thinkin i screwed up his transaction]

    dude proceeds to ask me on a date.


    you tell me: STALKER STATUS or HARMLESS PURSUIT.
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  15. UnbrokeN

    UnbrokeN Well-Known Member

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    pursuit. if he gets the memo now and ceases any attempt to get with you in the future-
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  16. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    That sounds like harmless pursuit. It was one instance, it wasn't excessive (versus the guy in his car that had to secretly follow you 6 miles to see where you work, and then started calling you repeatedly to ask you on dates).

    If you turn him down and he still keeps it up, then I'd say its stalking.
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  17. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    True.

    Even if she does feel you, it can become too excessive and she can start to feel threatened or harassed. But she'll def let a guy get away with a lot more if she already likes him. Theres a saying "Its only sexual harassment if you're ugly". It's crazy, but true to an extent.

    If a girl rebuffs and/or ignores your advances, the safe bet is to just leave her alone.
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  18. B. Fury

    B. Fury Active Member

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    Kinda reminds me of that one scene from the movie Love Jones.

    Darius tries to holla at Nina in the music store and she turns him down stating it was just bad timing. He gets her address from the check she wrote at the store and shows up at her place to ask again. She accepts his request that time provided he copped her an Isely Brothers album.
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  19. tight-eyes

    tight-eyes Such a F*cking Lady!

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    One of my brothers would have beat his ass. That shit is not romantic, it's intrusive and the epitome of stalking. I would have mased him and called the cops.

    Last year, some creepy old guy followed me home from the gym and kept knocking on my door, trying to give me his number and ask me out on a date. It scared the hell out me, knowing the this weirdo knew where I lived and could have been waiting in the bushes to ambush me at any time. I felt very vulnerable, harassed and threatened.

    My parents encouraged me to call the police and file a report. My dad kept calling me all worried, he's always warned me about jogging alone, etc. I alerted the security in my complex, and my brothers took turns staying at my house for a while, to make sure I was cool. One of 'em went all Comando, staking out the bushes behind my place at night to make sure the old weird dude wasn't back there watching me. My dude told me I needed to get myself a gun for protection. He said "As a man, he should know better than to intrude on a woman's personal space like that". I agree.

    The men in my life were far more outraged about it than the women. I was afraid, but not pissed off... as a woman, it's not foreign to us to have to deal with those feelings of being vulnerable and having our personal sense of safety violated by men. As women, we are always physically vulnerable to attacks from men... we always have to be on point when it comes to our safety... we always have to keep our guards up.

    A lot of men don't understand it because they cant relate. A guy might just be interested in pursuing us, but we have no way of knowing whether he's a harmless admirer or a creepy psycho. Hence the reason dude in the Love Jones scenario would have been mased and possibly beat down... it's better for us to be safe than to take a chance and be sorry.
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  20. Q 2 I N 2 Y

    Q 2 I N 2 Y Judah's son.

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    Lmao, that's hilarious.
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