song bird

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Coup d'état, Nov 11, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    -Song Bird-

    Position a song bird on my shoulder
    Singing Peter picked... poison peppers
    Perched in perfect pitch... of pictures
    Then stack seashells, topside my ocean box
    Listen lost, as ice cream hides soft polka dots
    Rusty hallows, downsized in pistol smoke
    Of pink pony rides, must be some isotopes...

    Close the door, turn out the light

    Then set war birds atop a powder keg
    Wick a fuse in an hour to an outer edge
    Pluck feathers and kick start zero, Hiroshima
    Sequestered shadows hear no, bleed blood
    Silhouettes exhausting like hairpin fractals
    Air signals bomb Alice, her fear of rabbit holes
    Do all this, inside your cerebral cortex
    Install this urge, or just let your pours sweat






    .
    • Hot Thread Hot Thread x 1
    test
  2. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    awesome shit...like I said in your last post I'll give you a better analysis tomorrow....I miss reading your shit Coup

    By the way....did you ever write that first chapter for that novel we suppose to be writing?
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    NO, I kinda got burnt out in the drafting process. heh, how about you ?
    test
  4. the omega man

    the omega man so, it goes

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Messages:
    614
    i been waiting on you....i cant write the first chapter that's why I pawned it off on you
    test
  5. patrown

    patrown student for life

    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1,177
    damn sun
    test
  6. Nebulaz

    Nebulaz fear God, not man

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2001
    Messages:
    950
    I like the word choices here. Each seemed perfect for their location and their presence in the line. It didn't bother me either that the rhyming of the words was either forced or a bit off. All seemed to flow fine. I did however wish you gave me a little more from in between the lines. It felt like you jumped off too quickly from the "...of pictures/ then stack seashells..." I would of loved more inference in there.
    test
  7. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    inference...I agree this is a bit abstract. I hope it at least comes of as expressive


    thanks for some feedback ;)
    test
  8. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2002
    Messages:
    3,706
    exactly what neb said.
    test
  9. FreshToDeath

    FreshToDeath ︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤──

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    3,090
    very cool... good job.
    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    word, thanks fresh to life.
    test
  11. ~Eloquent

    ~Eloquent Narcissistic....

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2003
    Messages:
    4,076
    now thats some amazing wordplay i really liked the whole tongue twisting start then it was like what seems so harmless in turn could be very fierce within the blink of an eye,
    i dug the whole transformation,
    pretty intense wordplay with the whole war eagle image...
    test
  12. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    4,096
    thanks eloquent, peep my new one and let me know what's up on the chimmychanga
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)