some weird sh-t I wrote

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Mikaella Ocean, Nov 15, 2012.

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  1. Mikaella Ocean

    Mikaella Ocean Well-Known Member

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    Just discovered this in an old notebook. I don't remember writing a single word of this. How fucked up was I? I'm gonna guess really fucked up.










    Torn between two rocks
    Which one, why not both
    And if its my place
    What was up
    Now not so much
    Rugs been pulled
    And now the stance slips on oil
    Even after whats been boiled down to chance
    Truth
    Like oil
    Leads the final dance
    Write down dreams &
    Read in between
    To the universe as we know it
    And all of what we don’t
    Only thru pattern of thought,
    Do we envision that
    Broad range, without ego
    When the soul is active
    Your every need finds its way to you
    When the time is right
    Remind others
    What have we learned students?
    Nothing is certain
    Or the same for any of us
    Refrain from giving free info
    Especially priceless pieces
    We don’t own anything
    But the moment
    In tune
    Or out
    Always remember the root of your path
    And beware of equal and opposite
    Your spirit guide is your closest response
    From God





    Theres a couple more like this too.
    test
  2. TreHolla

    TreHolla Member

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    you don't remember? do you have any idea when you wrote it? what line stands out most to you?
    test
  3. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    This was a fresh inner dialog speaking to public space...Lot's of personal sentiments thrown out about an issue we the readers have little context for, so it felt that the words coming out of you were hitting dead ground...kinda hurt the piece, but the voice was confident and besides a few word choices I' was meh on, this read well, paced well.

    I'd toss in some more "show me" than "tell me"


    Not a terrible piece
    test
  4. Mikaella Ocean

    Mikaella Ocean Well-Known Member

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    says 2009
    the line that stands out is... so what have we learned students? that sounds kinda like me. I may of been in a trance or some weird shit.


    next time.. thanks a mil
    test
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    I agree with Coup on the show me aspect of things which is the difference between reading someone a story and showing it to them with imagery and wording. I did enjoy this tho. I think you have the potential to really write some impressive work. Keep it up
    test
  6. allnakey

    allnakey Sex is no fun by yourself

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    I personally don't care too much about the context of the piece I was just entertained by each line and took all for what it was worth. There were some good statements in there and really enjoyed the inner struggle. As I reader I could imagine a lot of self reflecting and inner battle. There did seem to be a powerful message at the end, but lost in the abstract and inner reflection not sure what the final bullet point was. Anyways it was a good read
    test
  7. Chavvah

    Chavvah New Member

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    This was like watching you pacing back and forth talking to yourself, coming to an infinite conclusion. I liked it. "When the soul is active your every need finds its way to you"- this line so profound to me, yet very intimate. Thanks for sharing!!
    test
  8. Mikaella Ocean

    Mikaella Ocean Well-Known Member

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    some seriously good constructive criticism here, thanks for that.

    found another one I might post later
    test
  9. jesuit223

    jesuit223 Member

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    I really enjoyed reading this, my mind was working like crazy gathering images and studying the wisdom between every line :)
    test
  10. Prov3rb

    Prov3rb Member

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    I'm a big fan of this because it's sort of a messed up style that I fuck with a lot myself. I'm a pretty big advocate about the whole idea that poetry doesn't need to make sense to people reading it, it doesn't even always need to make sense to you; I feel like vomiting out the words as you feel them in a unique state of mind creates a kind of poetry that comes unparalleled.

    Never the less, I did like the imagery used here; not (as I said) a traditional style that is entirely . . . coherent, but I loved it either way!

    EDIT: you also inspired me to post one of mine of a similar style D:
    test
  11. Mikaella Ocean

    Mikaella Ocean Well-Known Member

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    thank you! :)





    thanks man. thats the jawn... more from me coming soon.


    about to peep yours! :)
    test
  12. jesuit223

    jesuit223 Member

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    your welcome ;)
    test
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