Some Poetry...

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Ninja Kid, Oct 11, 2004.

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  1. Ninja Kid

    Ninja Kid AKA Jae Keeps

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2004
    Messages:
    2,034
    Jus some poetry of mine, lemme no what ya'll think...

    red vs blue,
    rag vs rag,
    but the attacks on you,
    because the innocent is who,
    their death pursues,
    fighting over land they don’t even own,
    spilling blood of each other and no one,
    but no one is someone with someone waiting at home,
    no one is a child that will never be grown,
    war over colors, over the color tone,
    red vs blue,

    red vs blue,
    light vs light,
    their lies vs your truth,
    because they have a crew,
    willing and dressed in blue,
    corruption is their virus,
    although it’s more of a parasite,
    their weapon is their sirens,
    they rule the streets like secret tyrants,
    stealing from the poor and innocent, the rich are their clients,
    red vs blue,

    red vs blue,
    stars vs stripes,
    all of us knew,
    they offered fake proof,
    it was all they needed to use,
    while innocents die in a land far away,
    our own children are dieing in front of our eyes,
    both are our fault, but we all refuse to say,
    we’re dropping bombs of vengeance but we don’t know who’s to pay,
    he can’t say nuclear, but he said “Fire!” today,
    red vs blue
    test
  2. DaJackle

    DaJackle ThoughtS ProcessinG

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2003
    Messages:
    498
    lol @ he can’t say nuclear, but he said “Fire!” today,

    nice simple piece...one thing though..you should elaborate on your images and make it more descriptive...i know it's probably cause of the rhyming that you didn't do it..but it just feels to me that some should be more elaborated...one luv peace..
    test
  3. UFO the Phoenix

    UFO the Phoenix I DONT BELIEVE IN ALIENS!

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 1999
    Messages:
    2,986
    Woooooord up!

    hmmmmm

    first time reading your work

    welcome to the board


    Score Card

    Imagery – 5/10

    You seemed to have a good concept here but didnt take it much further then that....you just seem to touch the surface...try to go deeper next time...expand on your ideas...add more color to your word-play ya know?

    Metaphors – 4/10

    Had one or 2 good lines...but this piece didnt really grab me to much....I feel like its already been done by Sage Fancis and Saul Willams....and many others....flipping the "American Flag"....its been done already which makes it harder for this to stand out

    Personification – 2/10

    you didnt really do much here either....would of liked to see you expand on some of the ideas and concepts you brought up

    Rhyme – 7.5/10

    One of your stronger areas in this piece....pretty solid flow in this....diggin it:

    corruption is their virus,
    although it’s more of a parasite,
    their weapon is their sirens,
    they rule the streets like secret tyrants,
    stealing from the poor and innocent, the rich are their clients

    very tight

    Originality – 3/10

    again I feel the topic has been overdone....but keep at it yo



    PEACE and GODBLESS

    PS: Don’t forget to peep others no shortcut in the poetry realm…and try to leave some real feedback…take that time to help others it can only make your work that much better
    test
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