some more bullshit

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by Shiftee, Jun 1, 2003.

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  1. Shiftee

    Shiftee I SHOT YA

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2002
    Messages:
    172
    feelings jaded, i turned cold as our love faded
    been through the worst with you, but you could never be hated
    now im in my lonesome
    only care about my own thoughts
    no friends, no foes
    not all women are hoes
    but you sure are
    i could always see that from afar
    tried to help, failed, cant save a b*tch
    constantly, thinking
    what would things be like if it werent for that one evening
    when we hooked up
    committed a sin
    the best night of my life
    my dreams came true
    just another day for you
    we could never feel the same
    cause i was living life
    while you were just playing a game
    test
  2. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    more ramblings here?...actually like this better than your first..seems like a vent......when stressed its always good to write...nice lil drop u got here....
    test
  3. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2002
    Messages:
    37,722
    decent lil piece :).....might want to try using diff. titles though [dunno]
    test
  4. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
    Messages:
    869
    Need to use a little more poetic devises in your pieces, because you lack metaphorical relations, organization (somewhat), voice, deliverance, etc. Just work on those more, plus the title isn't very intriging and has the reader not wanting to read it. This piece was alright, nothing to read over again. My blessings..
    test
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