short poem quickly made

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by scroggins, Dec 4, 2013.

  1. scroggins

    scroggins Member

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    Dec 4, 2013
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    Your soul is a fighter that gets tougher when you cry
    our world mirrors hell, life sucks then you die
    we need more weed more peace and equal
    but money blinds the eye no one sees the evil
    we need to make some changes, WE THE PEOPLE

    I'm kind of a self taught poet and don't really know the right structure of poetry and what not. Wouldn't mind helpful criticism at all
    test
  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    60,689
    This was pretty vague and bland. You need to expand a little on this. Provide imagery and captivate your reader. It has promise but very entry level when it comes to poetry.
    test
  3. scroggins

    scroggins Member

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    Dec 4, 2013
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    Yeah I'm trying to get more deep, right now I'm taking 4 bars and trying to compress them to 1 or 2 bars
    test
  4. AE & Flip Flops

    AE & Flip Flops New Member

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    Mar 1, 2006
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    Yeah, don't condense... Expand.. There are way too many competing ideas for such a short poem, and none of them gets any real chance to develop and shine..
    test
  5. theMuzzl3

    theMuzzl3 Forever Humbled By Your Existence

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    Sep 23, 2014
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    5
    equal -- equality.

    I think the over-all message was good, for such a short poem.

    I am a newb so don't take my reply too seriously... but if those guys are saying expand, then I like this forum already.
    test

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