She Tries Too Hard

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum, Jun 4, 2003.

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  1. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 1999
    Messages:
    33,123
    My girl wanted me to write a poem of this title, so this is what I came up with.

    I hope it holds weight with some of the classics y'all have dropped in recent memory.

    She Tries Too Hard

    I saw her history in her hands
    But could not deal with the present
    Of her loving me.
    Never known anyone
    Like her above me.
    And angel in my eyes
    That only I one could see
    Love at first sight
    Is a lie that I despised
    And I tried so hard to hide
    From it blissfully
    Love at first sight
    Did not exist for me
    But swiftly that which don’t exist
    Had its grips on me
    No time to deny its existence
    Or even to ponder its descriptive
    This is the rhythm of a lost heart beat
    A distant whisper in an innermost me
    I tried too hard to be bold
    Tryin’ to harden my soul
    Heart feelin’ cold
    Death lived through me
    Love a trite fantasy
    And muse of insanity
    Bleeding from the wrist
    I died poetically
    Cherub in my direction
    I was scared of my perception
    I saw love in her reflection
    Possibility.
    Of love for me
    I was not ready for that
    Love dies
    But she’s a rose in the Garden
    That managed to stay alive
    And I’m the skeptic
    Heart’s in need of an antiseptic
    From the past thorns I’m stressing
    And she still loves me
    I’m unable to love
    Fully, completely
    She says until I’m ready
    That she’ll complete me…
    She tries too hard to love me
    In hopes that I’ll come around
    And lose all my doubts
    I want to see the rose, too.
    Said I’d spite my nose like the sphinx
    Or my arms like Venus
    Just a chance for us to be this
    All in hopes to hold you
    You’re my rose, I told you.
    But it’s hard to know you
    Love unconditionally
    When you’re not supposed to.
    Am
    I
    Worth
    You?
    Take this flesh away
    Take this stress away
    The flesh led astray
    leads the bless away.
    And all I want
    Is an embrace upon my soul
    She tries too hard to love me.
    Eventually, the trying
    Will become Old.
    Eventually, she'll try so hard,
    She'll

    hate

    me.

    And then, love can be tolled...
    test
  2. *GeMiNeYeZ*

    *GeMiNeYeZ* ~§¤Sweet Shinobi¤§~

    Joined:
    May 19, 2001
    Messages:
    11,131
    great piece...


    "You’re my rose, I told you.
    But it’s hard to know you
    Love unconditionally
    When you’re not supposed to.
    Am
    I
    Worth
    You?"


    i really liked that part because it reminds me of me in past relationships... but i wish those guys had sense enough to tell me that though... i loved the assonance in the beginning parts of this piece, i loved it all around!
    test
  3. h.wood

    h.wood IMAGINATION SUPER STAR

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    Jul 26, 2002
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    3,706
    i was drawn in and loved the entire piece - i quoted here because this is where i started crying- lol just was touched. very beatiful as always a pleasure to read your pieces thank you
    test
  4. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 1999
    Messages:
    33,123
    Wow, thanks for the replies y'all.

    *goes to the dictionary to look up assonance*
    test
  5. Mind~$oul

    Mind~$oul I'm Pretty

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    17,331
    this was a very strong emotional piece here. h.wood took my quote i was really feeling that part the most, something i can relate too. Beautiful work you never let me down

    one luv
    test
  6. TuNed RooT

    TuNed RooT Love is introduction ..

    Joined:
    May 25, 2003
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    869
    Simply wonderful and I usually don't say this, although a brilliant use of words to describe what you're feeling and how she's "trying too hard".

    "Eventually, she'll try so hard,
    She'll

    hate

    me.

    And then, love can be tolled..."


    A closing statement that will live on for this piece, a rememberance, plus a great way of ending it. All love, family. My blessings..
    test
  7. vinous

    vinous New Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2003
    Messages:
    405
    this is my fave part:
    Love at first sight
    Did not exist for me
    But swiftly that which don’t exist
    Had its grips on me

    but enjoyed the whole piece, real easy to read, just flowed

    this part reminded me of a leonard cohen poem for some reason:
    Take this flesh away
    Take this stress away
    The flesh led astray
    leads the bless away.
    And all I want
    Is an embrace upon my soul
    test
  8. skandelous_lala

    skandelous_lala back from the dead

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2000
    Messages:
    26,748
    i love that. it gave me lil chills...and only certain pieces of poetry do that to me..it happens very rarely. excellent job.
    test
  9. lpoet

    lpoet POET

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    12,678
    dope!

    lovin your shit lately man......u chose your words well...creative....

    Cherub in my direction
    I was scared of my perception
    I saw love in her reflection

    my fav line

    but

    I’m unable to love
    Fully, completely
    She says until I’m ready
    That she’ll complete me…

    thats dope 2

    keep bringin it
    test
  10. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 1999
    Messages:
    33,123
    Wow. Thanks for all the replies! I really tried hard with this one.
    test
  11. augee.ali

    augee.ali Lively Up Yourself...

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2003
    Messages:
    1,734
    Yeah I liked that...to me it was saying "why are you trying so hard to love me, when I'm dodging, ducking and hiding from it because I'm afraid of it." Not sure how close that was, but that's the first thing that popped up in my head after I got about halfway thru it. I've been down that road before only to end up kicking myself in the ass because I let a good One slip away.
    test
  12. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Actually, as between me and my girl, the poem is really just the first three lines. The rest of it is not untrue, mind you. But for us, the embodiment of the poem is within the play of words in the first three lines.
    test
  13. CitizenKane

    CitizenKane The Enterprise

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2003
    Messages:
    669
    I didn't know you posted here you poet you! Nice piece man peep mine if you can...
    test
  14. MissChevious

    MissChevious New Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2003
    Messages:
    15
    This is a very wonderful peice .... I felt it and I enjoy reading poems that I can really get into .... and the title fits :)
    test
  15. Feme Sole

    Feme Sole Mrs. _Evil

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    37,722
    i really liked the first lines because they really spoke to me......the last lines were wow as well.....very prolific lately soultan.....your pieces are never weak though....i cant imagine writing as much as you do and still coming with solid pieces.....props luv
    test
  16. BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum

    BlackSoultan Ad Infinitum aka Billy Shoreview

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 1999
    Messages:
    33,123
    I wrote these lines first during a study course:

    "Take this flesh away
    Take this stress away
    The flesh led astray
    leads the bless away.
    And all I want
    Is an embrace upon my soul
    She tries too hard to love me.
    Eventually, the trying
    Will become Old.
    Eventually, she'll try so hard,
    She'll

    hate

    me."


    I don't know what it is lately. [dunno]

    These things have been hittin' me. I got one for that picture y'all posted already in my head.
    test
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