She asked me to stop dreaming of death

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by billy nomates., Mar 8, 2012.

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  1. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

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    She asked me to stop dreaming of death
    I haven't slept since
    I've been sat at the beach watching waves
    Catch pebbles
    Like children clawing at sweets in a theatre
    Where the pantomime doesn't end
    But the curtain still drops as a precaution

    So I sit in the front row listening
    to the murmur I can't tell if they're laughing
    Or still rehearsing as my fingers drag deep
    Into the arms to see
    if My blood matches the upholstery setting the scene
    For the director to shout 'once more from the top'
    As the house lights dim
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    test
  2. Carpe Noctem

    Carpe Noctem Neos Helios

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    test
  3. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    You create a picture in one's mind, nom. keep them coming.
    test
  4. Brit Boi Gee

    Brit Boi Gee raison d'être

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    Really liked this. Especially the line 'like children clawing at sweets in a theatre'. Some nice use of enjambment in the second stanza.

    I think the first stanza could contain a little more distillation and compactness in terms of form as it doesn't quite mirror that quality in the second. My only other note would be that I think the second line just sits there and doesn't do much at all.
    test
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