[SEMI FINALS]3. Kuja vs 4. Ravenous510 vs 5. TheInkwell

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Jun 26, 2012.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

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  2. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Gentlemen .
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  3. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    Interestingg..
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  4. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

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    Ext required please .
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  5. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    I'm heavily wrapped up in this algebra class I am taking and don't know if I will be able to drop anything...but ext pls.
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  6. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    ^ good to know you have your priorities straight

    extensions fine by me
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  7. Kuja

    Kuja Jack Skellington

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2003
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    The Bellgate Mansion


    The decaying Bellgate mansion stood tall, an old creeking shack
    Silence walks the corridors except in the distance, a leaking tap
    Outside an old tree weeping sap, all in all visually eerie
    Uninhabbited it remains but not for the lack of trying, belive me
    Until Greg Myers arrived, he & his wife had recently gone separate
    & with nowhere to live, Greg had found himself desperate
    He didnt have to think twice due to the cheap price
    He loved the rustic feel, the worn down walls & the chic lights
    A few weeks had gone by, Greg had settled in fine
    Winding down in the evenings, with a glass or two of wine
    But he wasnt alone, the other guest had yet to cause incident
    As he carried on innocent, the entity plotted against this immigrant
    Not much was known about the previous owner, this tormented soul
    Except for the rumors of a dark figure, their heart ripped out whole
    As time went by Greg became uneasy, a constant shiver down his spine
    He sat & sighed, maybe it was been alone & this big house, combined
    By now the other guest was seething, could feel the walls bleeding
    The anger manifested to the point Greg could hear deep breathing
    'Must be the wind' Greg thought, ghouls & ghosts he was a nonbeliever
    The noises he heard were side-effects, must be riddled with fever
    A few hours passed by, Greg bolted up in the bed he was lying
    A muffled noise from above, woke him up, it sounded like crying
    His adrenaline was flying, he got up, it was time to investigate
    Greg hurried across the landing, trying his best to make sense of it
    But it was a dead end, he felt his heart sink as his mind felt sorrow
    Was he losing his mind, he banged the wall & found it was hollow
    With a few firm kicks, the wall broke through, dust erupted
    & Greg found himself before a staircase that the wall obstructed
    Ascending the creeking stairs, starting to sucomb to fears creations
    Each step he could feel his beating heart turn to palpitations
    An old attic room, an ancient pram where the moon shined through
    The crying had ceased, Greg stepped towards the eerie view
    & peered inside, gasped as his face turned white in surprise
    Lying within the pram were the bones of a child, newborn in size
    The floor began to shake, smashing could be heard beneath
    Greg struggled to breathe, squinted eyes as he gritted his teeth
    The pram moved as if been pushed as the skylight window smashed
    Broken shards slashed, as Gregs skin & the edges clashed
    Greg was frozen until the moment of his last weezing breath
    & the morale is never come between a mother & child..even in death



    [​IMG]
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  8. TheInkwell

    TheInkwell New Member

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    [​IMG]

    He sees life through a screen, blinking red dot in the corner
    “R-E-C” outside a white border, framing the picture
    A documentary, assisted memory, or a hobby they guess
    But to him, it’s proof that he’s not crazy and reality at its best
    Plus life felt safer behind a goggle camera lens
    Chances of pain less finite than winning lotteries penned
    But life is still so sad, no one seemed to see what he has
    They smell the fresh cut, he sees the mutilation of grass
    Walking down the street, a witness to the demonic scenes
    Children ripping heads off dolls, stomping them on the concrete
    A thin sheet draped over a window, provides a silhouette
    Of a woman with a clothes hanger, killing a child not born yet
    And he wept as he walked, the goggles submarined on him
    Lifted up the lens and drained it out, still his heart’s sunken
    Sees a man help a hitchhiker and the hitchhiker robbed him
    There’s no love in this world full of unacknowledged problems
    ‘Cause nobody sees what he swears happens in plain view
    Picked up a rose that just bloomed and it shriveled in to
    The dead fetus of a child, glass-eyed, and going blue
    Letting it fall from his hands, the body wrinkled like tissue
    He can’t stand it, going home, decided it’s his last waltz
    Walks past two girls who spat on him and hurled insults
    He arrives home and heads to the kitchen for all the fixings
    Alcohol, pills, and a laptop to play his recordings
    A moving night for his movie life, the mixture gets him going
    To the afterlife, no more strife, no more burden of knowing

    Screams… tears… “Please stay right here”
    His fiancé frantic, ring tarnished through all these years
    That she waited faithfully for them to seal the deal
    Who knew demons would steal his life with a film appeal?
    The laptop still plays, everything from his point of view
    The gardener smiling at him, cutting grass, and morning dew
    Children laughing, playing house with Barbie and Ken dolls
    Not a care in the world, a point of envy for adults
    A man stroking his wife’s stomach, housing life in the bulge
    Reading their future child a story, impressions and all
    Hitchhiker takes a lift, seeing the two laughing away
    Leads one to think they link up at that stop every day
    He picks up a rose and heads home, two girls smile and wave
    It’s about there the footage ends with an option to replay
    And no one has a clue why he decided to make his own end
    Leaving just footage… of his family and friends…
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  9. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Poison

    Poison comes in a variety – its forms and facsimilies
    Are destroyin’ the young – the virus eats and tortures man physically
    It’s the nature of the beast to deal underhanded blows – each hit to the disadvantaged
    The fates sure never cease to wield thunder fashioned in opiates for the simple masses...

    The media monopoly's feeding us philosophy and seeing its pathology is priceless
    In the land of materialism - bad dreams and flat screens
    Are quick to spam your bleary field of vision - you’re constantly silenced -
    Heavily in debt while we’ve steadily been fed bile and numbed
    On sensory overload - we’re meant to be comatose - sessile like a reptile in the sun...

    Desensitizing imagery - breeds death – a violent symphony
    Played for the fast paced lames in the rat race – each clef a trying injury
    When chasing the American dream means engaging in nefarious schemes
    To worship the dollar or be forced into squalor
    And disagreein’ means simply being deemed a terrorist fiend
    It means it’s greed that’s denyin’ history...

    Priorities invert, and minds are morbidly inert
    The blind forcibly define the lines formed and we reverse time morally -
    The primeval’s sold under the guise of evolution
    It divides people – though some will strive for retribution...

    But most are left in a daze
    Psychological warfare is waged – an invention
    Through fear mongering and doomed sanity
    It might be comical if more cared or paid attention
    Proof it’s near conquering humanity? - The ghost of Eddie Bernays
    Is present today in every display - in every commercial deal and advertising gimmick
    It’s in heavy dispersal ‘til the bastardizing’s finished, though he’s dead in a grave...

    So smash your television with with an eight pound sledge
    ‘Cause cats get requisitioned - snatched and left in prison -
    And I’d rather die than have to fry when they invade our heads...
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    60,689
    Kuja – the imagery in this piece of writing was very impressive. You were able to paint a clear vivid picture for me throughout the entire store. I enjoyed the story. I was bone chilling at times and I thought the story was going a different direction than where you took which was great. The level of detail was solid and I was relieved to see that the story took a more unique turn. If I had to correct one thing, it would be the wording in places. Lines like “& Greg found himself before a staircase that the wall obstructed” would have been smoother if it was just ‘as Greg stood before a staircase that the wall had obstructed’. That had a smoother feel to it and there were a few other lines that could have used a similar touch but overall a great piece. Good work

    Ink – Once again, the level of detail here spoke volumes to the type of writer you are. You technical writing skills are always in tip-top shape and that added to the way you described the character. I didn’t expect the story you wrote when I saw the picture you used. I was pleasantly surprised from that aspect but I think the only problem I had with the story itself was that it wasn’t too intriguing to me outside of the unique nature of the story. Don’t get me wrong, you filled it with bizarre’ scenes which I found to nice and fit your story but I just wasn’t blown away by the story when comparing to last weeks story for instances. Still, a top-notch story here, nicely done

    Rave – I love the potential this story had. You had good imagery that really could’ve taken off if the writing was on point more. Lines like “deemed a terrorist fiend”, felt awkward in this because of how I read it. Perhaps if it was ‘deemed a terrorist, a fiend’ it would have felt better because the pause would have added more emphasis to your point but instead, it felt more of a redundant point. Also, words like disagreein’/denyin’ just felt silly in a story filled with extensive vocabulary and vivid imagery. Still, the potential of this story was there but your writing itself hurt your stories chance of winning here. Good work tho


    Overall an enjoyable read. I believe it came down to Ink or Kuja. Both writers struggled with some aspect with me but ultimately this came down to with writer captured my attention and my vote goes to Kuja for the nice twist and dark story. Good job to all,


    V/ Kuja
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  11. Ravenous510

    Ravenous510 Well-Known Member

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    My verse wasn't meant to be a "story", tbh....just a topical piece...

    I didn't know we had to write a story to compete...
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  12. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    kuja:
    Hey dude tbh this didn’t really grab me as much as it could have.. your detail of the environment is what held me for most part and the point of the tale was real nice.. but saying that there was no build up to the twist, it just sort of played out as the typical haunted mansion type story.. Flow was sweet same as the structure.. Your description was hot but not as dark and depraved as I think you could have gone with this verse.. All an all not your best but still cool so props..

    Ink:
    I really dug this concept, i have not yet heard, read or seen anything covering the google image goggles yet so it was refreshing.. I enjoyed the twist that what is reality and what google search claims to be reality was clever and unique.. IMO some parts seemed overfilled with dark imagery when you could have cut back instead of using shock for shock sake.. Structure for most part was on par with a decent delivery and progression of the story.. I really did enjoy this piece..

    rav:
    This was cool, i did like the statement you where making on prescription drugs and you brought the reader front stage to what seemed like an educated lecture given to students.. Flow was choppy and i wasn’t a huge fan of the rhyme structure itself.. a bit too loose imo.. Vocab was strong and your direction was potent.. pretty decent and it held its own against two bigs cats like kuja n ink so well done..

    vote =
    1: inkwell
    2: kuja
    3: ravenous
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  13. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    kuja- writing reviews one at a time, this one will be hard to beat.
    fuuck yah. the flow is ridiculous. perfect fucking song man. you write gold as if it comes naturally. cough.
    anyways, the real kicker for me was the progression of the entire piece along with the flow and the way you were rhyming. it moved around predictably, but comfortably. it's a shame most topicals aren't given in audio. hmu if you've made one.
    as far as the story goes.. well, I can't really say it wasn't good. but it wasn't the best.
    you just told it so damn well, I didn't have time to be an asshole about the ending being a bit thrown in. n1.

    ink - your story really hit the mark here. i know that feeling. i was hoping he was a serial killer or something. i guess im a morbid fuck, death count=1=fail
    but, your character effectively crossed the border of machine to man well. i enjoyed the overall "oh fuck.." feeling at the end. i see the entire piece as a statement of how we're all robots on amission to leave behind glorified memory's.. denial of reality until the end.
    however- a few unnecessary words .. in the beginning especially, didn't help me get into the piece. what's a "goggle" camera lens? and .. sunken was very strong to just hang out there as it did. last waltz/hurled insults - i really like. anyway, when i said it out loud, i spit it like a boss. overall.. a damn fine piece. had the beginning been reworked, id be spamming it across the internet in hopes the world didn't miss out.

    ravenous - your idea is strong, tone set by word choices effectively. didn't follow through with flow or rhyme though. also, the theme would have benefitted from a major point or something new at the end.
    perhaps im a sucker for end rhyme. but, it is what it is. the entire piece didn't flow to give the feeling of a story.. had you eased in to the idea a bit more, it wouldve really helped. the pace of the first bars threw me off.
    edit: cohesiveness. this piece needed to go from point a to point b to point c, with some transitions to ease along the way.. in my opinion this really needed a transition or connection.

    It divides people – though some will strive for retribution...

    But most are left in a daze

    two completely separate feelings.. just hopping back and forth like that without capitalizing on the comparison did not impress.

    /v - kuja - magnificent really. i can't say a bad thing about this piece. it's an excellent example of how not to over do assonance, and how a simple rhyme scheme's progression can make or break a story. the major factor in my choice is just HOW WELL i was drawn into the story. honestly, ink's story is my favorite.. but kuja's piece did not let go of my attention for one moment.
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  14. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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