Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Jun 16, 2008.
VERSE DUE FRIDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
VOTES DUE SUNDAY @ 11:59 PM EST
RSTL Official Rules & Regulations
lets do the damn sir.
no dice on the extension.
1. semi-final: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102320
i'm posting around 11:59PM friday...got too much shit to do
“The Last Goodbye”
Panic stricken, manic, a savage Wiccan,
Stranded in the desolate Atlantic; pickin’-
Up the pieces of my clusterfucked puzzle,
I once sought a fountain of youth to guzzle,
But alas, wrists gashed, fate had clashed,
And I can’t surpass the lash, unabashed,
With an albatross bound round my being,
Christ upon a cross, my mindless fleeing,
Oh blinded meaning of never neverland,
In this endeavor, how will I ever stand?
Drowning and flailing my arms in hope,
Engulfed by quicksand in search of a rope,
Another victim to a slope so continental,
Everything pitch black and consequential.
Yet Liv looked on with her puppy dog eyes,
As the yule log’s aroma met wintry skies,
Softly she sighs…hugging me tighter still,
A night of lullabies, glowing brighter ‘til,
Peril creeps and I once again feel slightly ill,
Oh Draconian fate…how trite the thrill,
Of the warm embrace of my lover’s face,
Who sought to erase my pain from this place,
Ridiculing God in our snow globe palace,
She’d probe each callous to rid the malice,
That now resides in my bittersweet heart,
Life’s soiree, this morbid array as I depart,
Though unscathed from life’s vicious decay,
Liv would stay until that capricious day.
I quested like Dante through infernal planes,
While Liv fought through maternal pains,
A life eternal was my gift within the flames,
Chagrin with sin, a bloodlust of boiling veins,
Running haggard, breathing coal and ash,
Jaw clenched fending sulfur, my teeth gnash,
As I hear the piercing scream of a baby,
My soul divided, I’m crazy, but just maybe-
Liv’ll outlast the tempest and firestone rain,
Whilst I am lost, succumb, atop a thrown of pain,
My lone terrain where the Cerberus roams,
While the violin’s echo hones in on homes,
Brooding the violence, of my vile ends,
A vision of blood and fire, as my soul descends.
Yet Liv looks on with her puppy dog eyes,
As I seek penance from her in heaven’s skies,
Oh how I despise my arson induced reprieve,
Seduced, a succubine’s juice upon my sleeve,
Damned and naive, I trudge on past Tel Aviv,
Oh hollow hell, let me reach and achieve,
Just one last glimpse at Liv and my daughter,
Who’ll live forever for their loss in the slaughter-
Of a vexed and possessed man on the edge,
I will worship them forever, such is my pledge.
I am a modern day cliché, much like Dorian Grey,
And you can ask any Historian, they’ll all say,
It was not my struggle with a deity, but leprosy,
But please, let me see, how it could be-
Explain to me, the fallacy of my pledge to Satan,
For however crooked I walk, I always straighten-
My path as it steadies towards the core of hell,
My dreams, they cease in this gore hotel,
But Liv still lives, she’ll be forever young,
Because no matter that I was however strung-
I bartered with the Devil for their sake,
I’m sorry my lover, it was my mistake.
"You better hope and pray that you wake some day inside your own world"
- Shakespeare Sister
"I've paid my dues time after time, I've done my sentence but committed no crime"
their people were modest...yet lethal but honest
not one of em shallow...all were held deep to their promise
every citizens domain was so peaceful in conscience
when evils accomplice beckoned...they took heed to the conflicts
quite regal in content...these imperial bureaucrats
peformed certain acts of bravery...later we learned the facts
throughout history magistrates, to pay debt...reverted tax
returning back to when aristocracy was still preferred but lacked
and they tried to deter the tax...which led to a war between races
where blood and mud became the hues to the warriors faces
and as the ambiance of death shadowed the story's evasive
plot and conspiracy brought tyranny through courts and the cases
and the more advantageous it got for the rich...the poor suffered
cities became overpopulated...and more cluttered
threat released as treachery was increased and it formed numbers
of crime and it forced wonder...before we could warn others
the whistle of war thundered...
lightning shined on the bleak terrain
through the Shrine of our Peaceful Ways...here lied the bushido blade
a sacred element to their culture...priceless the people say
it had powers beyond belief...throughout time they would keep it safe
but as time progressed...
well...the white man decided to seek it's place
and soon these men of honor would die from a kings discrace
see the "King" took interest when a mysterious guy was intrigued by trade
a samarui who lost his honor...in his eyes were greed an hate
see his name was Hideyoshi...a mercenary in his prime
he was the brother of Konishi...the story's very intertwined
casue Hideyoshi hated Konishi...he seeked to bury him inside
the Shrine of our Peaceful Ways...he had these various designs
or lets say plots in laments terms...the scene it caries us inside
the shrine that holds the blade within this airial confine
a thousand stairs you had to climb it was scary for the mind
if you looked down vertigo would have you stairing at the sky
the marriage of a bribe...
taxes increased by the day
but Hideyoshi had plans of wealth, murder, and freedom in ways
he wanted to be rich and make his people his slaves
tainting the Samauri tradition...he told the king of the blade
he mentioned it's whereabouts and everything he'd see on the way
and to be very careful of his brother...because Konishi was brave
he proceeded to say to him that the Boshido has made
the weak become great...but please king...you need to be safe
as for me i'm afraid to touch it...only the strongest can weild
i promise it's real...but i have to be honest i fill
that you're not strong enough and well...the weak are obviously killed
it's not brolic or build...Konishi says that conscience and skill
can acknowledge the steels power...if you're a coward then dont
he kept talking and joked...because it was his plot to provoke
the king and he did...the king lost the thoughts of a hoax
and with the blade on his mind...set off and hopped in his boat
an impossible choke...
the king already embellished and rich
couldn't give up a challenge and well he fell for his trick
he journeyed through the terrrain, marsh, and helish events
it was a fight to reach the shrine, he took a breath and he fixed
his eyes on heaven a bit inside was relics and scripts
japanese heiroglyphics diamonds embedded the bricks
he sees the Bushido Blade the sight was said so intense
he never saw Konishi slide the edge of it quick
through his head with a swift manuever the king acknowledge his end
Hideyoshi was dead...the same fate for all of his men
see it's said Hideyoshi killed the King and took his army with him
to steal Boshido and kill Konishi but forgot of his sin
from his plot to the end...well..he just failed when he tried to conquer
his brother...the irony brought him to the shrine a monster
but to the Samauri no matter what...it's said there kind are offered
to die by the sword...so i guess Hideyoshi...died with honor
fyi...this is exactly 64 lines...the max in the rules...thank you and good luck
don't have long before my lift arrives .. so can only read each once ..
GL? - not too bad .. flow was decent and helped by the packing in of rhyming words .. however some of those seemed forced whilst others just felt pretty random .. I must say that once I got to the end I felt a little confused about what I'd just read .. I understood he was in a burning building (that he set fire to) and his wife/gf and daughter was in there .. but I didn't get whether they died and you're sacrificing yourself to let them come back .. or whether you died and whilst they were on the edge of dying you "bartered with the Devil" to save them .. I just didn't feel clarity in the end .. getting there was quite enjoyable .. but like I say .. some of the wording was off or just felt like you slapped it in cos it rhymed with a word you wanted to use in the line before/after .. pretty well written overall but had it's faults for me ..
vada - for me .. the premise of the story had the edge here .. however .. I don't think it was tackled as well as it could have been .. I would have really liked to have seen it told as a story playing out rather than "you" telling the story and adding comments in a narrator fashion .. just personal preference on that scale .. but the story was pretty interesting and from start to finish I was wanting to know where it was going etc. .. I don't think it flowed too smoothly as I read it .. as it seemed to command a slower pace read .. which I didn't mind as I found the content interesting .. I just can't help feeling I'd have enjoyed it more had it been approached slightly different ..
this is a toughie ..
Vote = Got Life? .. maybe my feedback would lean towards a vote for Vern .. but although I didn't 100% know where I was in GL's piece at the end .. I did enjoy the reading aspect more so than Verns .. content was about equal as GL's was far from original in concept whilst Vern's was more interesting an idea .. but they counter balanced that with GL having a tidy structure making for a smooth and steady read whilst Vern lowered the entertainment value for me by how he wrote his verse .. he didn't make it "boring" but I didn't feel he lifted it off the screen like it 'could' have been done .. all making this a difficult choice because I could just as easily vote Vada for personal interest in both pieces .. but in the end I've gone for the verse that gave me the "best" read IMO .. and that was fatboy ..
yo this was a great battle. Both had strong stories going for it..
An obvious tale about sacrifice which if not done well can come off as corny. And i'm glad to report that u've approached it very well. A majority of it's substance came in that last stanzy where he actually questioned himself whether this cliched martyrdom was justify. It gave his character maaaad depth. But the single most ill thing he did with this piece were the literary technique involved. The allusions that were implemented were craaazy! As i read it, it summoned a whole bunch of other classic moments in lit history and life used that to his advantage as it did s.p.i.ced up his already ill verse.
I'm a long time fan and this piece definitely made a strong case for that. Well told, the linear story line was easy to grasp. This was as close to an epic as u can get under the term of 64 lines. I like how u opened by drawing us the social landscape. It worked well to the overall effect of the story. Of course the strongest point of this story was the intricacy. I like how despite there were more than on character, the story still ran in a smooth manner. I'd imagine that's hard to do in the confine of 60 lines. Very dope verse.
I will not discussed flow because, personally i think these two pretty much got that part of writing lock as both verse read smoothly. This battle boils down to personal connection with me as far as story telling goes, and with that said, my vote will go to Got Life? His characters had depth and combine that with some of the finer literary executions and you got one hell of a verse. But much props to Vada also, cause Bushido Blade was no joke neither.
vote = Got Life?
Holy shit man its like your usual structure advanced hehe.. Nice vocab like usual it was just the stronger internals that mad it stand out that much more.. Imagery on fire man, story wise dark but not overly, the progression was nice too it moved at a solid pace.. Fav bar:
I quested like Dante through infernal planes,
While Liv fought through maternal pains,
yo ok its like this vern story wise you nailed it, shit was hot allot of depth, description and a solid direction with a nice display of imagery.. but as far as flow it weren't bad but not high class you didn't have all your usual multis n internals which sucked n made it seem a lil sloppy.. but like i said story fucken butter..
vote = got life
now this was the toughest decision as i always look for story above all things but with this case both had great stories, vern more so in the end i had to way up the class of everything else such as mechanics n rhythm.. n gl just edged
1 - http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102335
2 - http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102320
3 - http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102332
4 - http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102337
5 - http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1102330
GL? - Real nice. Multis were much better than usual, so was your flow, and that's really the only problem I ever had with your writing. Vocabulary and wording were reaalll different, in a good way. Shit was ultra-poetic, it read more like a 18th century poem than any rap verse I've ever read. The imagery was dope as hell, real good shit all around. The only thing, as usual, is I wish you'd brush up your multis and flow a little bit, but that's just me, 99% voters don't really care about that shit anymore.
Vada - lol, I am mad partial to fuedal Japanese topics, fuedal Japan is one of my favorite cultural time periods of all, so I realllly enjoyed this read. Your flow was stretched as fuck, but your rhyme scheme made up for otherwise poor mechanics. That rhyme scheme was top-notch. The actual story line was dope, I thought it coincided perfectly with fuedal Japanese storytelling, and it became apparent that not only did you adopt their style of plot and wordage, but also in writers voice and moral as well. A great story of honor, I think you pulled it off well, almost flawless except for the flow. The only part of the story I didn't like was toward the end, where it got a little confusing as to who was killing who when and how, but besides that one 8 bar part of your story, this shit was exceptional.
Fucking close, the closest match of the week so far. We have flow vs. rhyme scheme, progressive storytelling vs. traditional storytelling, and I really can't fucking tell who won. But I'm gonna go against the grain, and vote for Vern...
man what a good battle. both verses were excellent. both had good flow. both told great stories in their own way. Got life your last verse was amazing. flowed awesome. great ending.
vada's story however, i felt like i followed better.. understood more of what was going on. loved the story of honor you told and how he died by the sword so he died by honor.
very close battle. but in the end im going to go with Vada simply because i followed the story slightly better and related to it more.
vote - Vada
Got Life? - I can tell you really focused on rhyming and word choice here. This piece was very poetic at points, which gave it an advanced and well thought out feel while reading it. Only thing I had problems with was that it felt like you sacrificed clarity in order to rhyme at times, and some lines just seemed out of place altogether. The sacrifice story idea was pretty cool, nothing really special or new though.
vada - Loved the idea behind the story. Something we don't get in this league very often is a historical piece that is enjoyable to read. To me, this had enough of a fantasy edge to not feel like I was studying a history book, the flow was nice and kept me glued throughout, multis strong as always, overall just a solid piece that got the job done in my opinion.
Vote = vada for a more creative, enjoyable read, and better clarity and mechanics.
Damn, another close as battles. Definitely a good semi-final round
GL?- Damn man, your imagery and vocab is fuckin off the hook. I could see everything you described within your story. These were definitely the high points in your piece. The flow was ill as fuck as well. Smooth throughout the whole piece and made it easy to read. My only gripe is what exactly is causing this last goodbye? Is it the pledge to Satan? I feel it needs to be a little more clear cuz you do a dope ass job of describing the feelings and your character's pain but I don't really see what's causing this last goodbye. Other than that it's one of the sickest pieces I've read in a while
Vada- Dope as well man. Your story kept me hooked from line 1 all the way to the last line. Didn't see the twist coming at the end with Konishi killing his brother who ended up dying in honor. Thought that was a sick twist. That blood and mud line was legit as fuck too. Your verse was a little more simple than GL's but you still pulled it off nicely.
This is definitely a tough battle to decide on. Could easily go either way. I think I'm gonna go with Vada though. Though GL? had a very complex verse which was written very, very well, Vada's piece kept me hooked just a little bit more when I was reading it. It kept me anticipating what was going to happen next whereas GL's verse seemed to be different stanzas with the same thoughts. I still gotta give major props to both writers though. This battle was legit as fuck. Great writing on both sides.
got life? - i enjoyed this for the most part with a strict rhythm and good descriptions, a great use of language as well, i read this at least 4 times before tonight and grew to appreciate it, somewhat dry in execution but the story is thorough for the most part though the reasoning behind his madness is somewhat hidden in the strict rhyme scheme and somewhat unnatural word usage, once grasped it made for a pretty dope read, the usual stuff nonetheless with good mechanics and a good enough flow to finish followed with a creative story presented maturely and efficiently, good stuff
vada - though you have become a bitch in my eyes and i mean this sincerely coming from someone who really looked up to you in this text/story shit, you still have a talent in writing, sometimes when reading however i question your level of reading comprehension which is hard with such intricate rhyming but your typos/grammatical errors can sometimes be very distracting, nevertheless this was a good story but also confusing, i think i got lost in your flow or something but the plot is somewhat off and i dont like the writer's voice, i hate when the narrator out of nowhere turns and faces the audience and speaks directly to the reader, what i mean is this "see his name was Hideyoshi...a mercenary in his prime/ he was the brother of Konishi...the story's very intertwined/ casue Hideyoshi hated Konishi...he seeked to bury him inside", maybe im being anal but that's always bugged me, seems as though you had nothing else to fit into the rhyme pattern and so you sacrificed, another major problem which keeps me from voting for you is the fact that the ending is confusing, though im pretty sure i get it i just dont think that it was delivered as well as it could/should have been, good story nonetheless and creative as well
overall, i have to vote - got life?, though this is of the closest that ive voted on tonight, GL's just did more for me in the end and i had less problems with it
match ends in a tie, 4-4 in votes
both post voting links
vada posts 5 times in match
got life? wins by technicality, 4-2
Separate names with a comma.