[Semi-Final] Eye-Rime vs nah son (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Jun 16, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
  2. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
  3. nah son

    nah son the hundredaire

    Oct 9, 2005
    lemme kno if u need extention or suttin man coz i know u just had a lil girl

    i really ainnt trippin if u take ya time

    best of luck

    edit: me and q decided we gon post on saturday so he has time to get everything settled with his baby girl
  4. nah son

    nah son the hundredaire

    Oct 9, 2005
  5. nah son

    nah son the hundredaire

    Oct 9, 2005

  6. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001

    "The 7th Commandment"

    “Baby, I - I have to ... t - tell you s - something…”
    “What? What’s wrong? What is it, honey?”

    Slowly, my pupils adjust as they hold banter,
    Enthralled, brooding above in morose manner,
    The bulbs flicker, eyes witness a moth's trace,
    While ricocheting off the walls of this loft space,
    Their dour shadows danced on the wall,
    Blood painting the room, acquainted with doom,
    Around me, rotted flesh hung from the ceiling,
    My body cold and stung from the squealing,
    While bedraggled soles pattered the liquored tile,
    Adrift, as their lips gathered a stiffened smile,
    I sat, indolent, with my back to the chair,
    Watching the grayish ribbons splatter the air,
    Ensnarling my lungs, gnarled and numb,
    Contemplating events to follow if I started to run,
    Then I wept as feet met with the soggiest floor,
    Thinking the guts and grime fit the foggy decor,
    Groggy and sore, my conscience croons in fright,
    In this benighted room, while I zoom my sight,
    Amidst a torturous den, men crying in pain,
    Bodies ripped by rusted blades, dying in vain,

    Water drips from the pipes, and a stench lingers,
    Effortlessly stripping the ring off my thin finger,
    I heard murmurs and whispers, but couldn't grasp,
    In pain, lying listless with wrist in wooden clasps,
    In my mind, I begged to God for a helping hand,
    Though I never prayed before, now his aid I adore,
    Betrayed by a whore, but no time for revenge,
    Cos if I didn't find an exit, I might die in this den,
    Then, slowly the men drew near while fear grew,
    Sweat trickled down tattooed arms in clear view,
    Arms bulging with veins, gripping the sheath,
    Licking the blade as blood dripped from beneath,
    One kisses my cheek, while the other undresses,
    Caressing his penis as I uttered confessions,

    “She was only a trick, and I - I wasn’t thinking,
    Just a useless q - quick fuck in my cousin’s Lincoln,
    I - I had been stressed at work, a - and my wife,
    Was never at home, s - so I had to settle my bone,
    Yes, I ch - cheated, but I’m s - sorry, I mean it,
    I’m sorry, believe it, I - I - I’ll never repeat it,”

    They threw my ring and lowered their pants,
    Three men, big and greasy, holding their stance,
    Un-phased by my confession, gripping my hair,
    Taking turns with my throat, the sickest affair,
    With their dicks in the air, whacking my cheeks,
    Slowly ejaculating on the cracks of my teeth,
    Then ripping my pants, and gripping the blade,
    Cutting my pride and joy as I wriggled in pain,
    Red rained from my mid, staining my skin,
    My nuts hit the floor as fluid drained from within,
    Shoving my dick in my mouth and taping it shut,
    Choking, and turning blue, aching from cuts,
    They wait in the buff, stuck and gasping for air,
    While they point, hackling as I sat in despair,
    They left me there, to suffocate on my penis,
    An unthinkable death, no escaping my demons,

    "You better hope and pray that you wake some day inside your own world"
    Shakespeare Sister

    As my vision fades, and coughing decreases,
    Mind stuck in that room, nauseous from bleeding,
    I slowly begin to picture the life that I had,
    On a couch, sitting next to my wife in her plaid,
    Skirt, Her blonde curls embracing her shoulders,
    Happy to hear her soft voice say that it’s over,

    "Hellooo! Honey, are you okay?! You blacked out!
    You must've had a bad dream, but you're back now.
    Don’t worry honey, it’s okay .. it’s over, I promise.
    But, what did you want to tell me? .. Be honest."

    Frantically, I begin to glance through the room,
    Searching for immediate answers, but soon,
    I notice them staring, three men, tatted and big,
    Winking in my direction, patting their mid,
    Then I look up at my wife and notice her winking,

    "Uh .. umm, j - just that .. uh .. y - you look beautiful today."

    ...I’ll never tell her 'bout that girl in the Lincoln.

    The End.
  7. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

    Mar 23, 2005
    God damn, this was a sick ass battle

    Nah son- Man, you did very well with your topic. I like how you brought Obama into it in the end. Everything kept me hooked from start to finish and your closer was dope. Great verse man.

    Q- I really enjoyed reading your verse as well, bro. That shit's disgusting though, lmao..the imagery you had was great. Was like I could see everything. I wish I coulda read about the girl your character cheated with though. That's all I got to gripe about with this piece though. Shit was sick.

    This is a really tough battle for me to decide on, but I think my final vote's gonna go to Q. I was just a little more intrigued by his piece than Nah's piece. My reaction to Nah's was more of a "Yeah, I'm with you on that for sure" where my reaction to Q's was "God damn!" lol...not takin anything away from Nahsy's piece though cuz this was a close ass battle and I had to read each piece 3 times to make a decision on my final vote. Good battle, guys. Good battle

    Vote- Q
  8. Pharaohe Def

    Pharaohe Def Take a Swing

    Jun 20, 2001
    damn. great battle fellas. nahson i loved your verse because i love obama. very inspiring piece. agreed with everything you say in it, and we can only hope that obama does not end up like MLK and JFK.

    "Capitalist thrive on the weak, and what the mass is in the midst of fearing
    Is that, the middle class is in fact disappearing.
    Widening the gap, and when they think they're striding in the pack
    Financial institutions bearing fluctuating rates are hiding in the trap"

    that was very nice. on the other hand, quriosity also had a dope verse. flowed very well. had some humor in it. i really liked the dialogue in your verse and how the people stuttered from time to time. added some personality to the people in your story.

    in the end, as much as i loved nahsons verse due to it being about three of the most inspiring people this country has ever seen; im going to have to go with Q because his verse told a better story in my eyes.

    vote - Quriosity
  9. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Dec 4, 2005
    Sorry about the short vote, don't have much time today.

    Nah - Great concept and great mechanics. I like how you brought Obama in the end, it was a great commentary piece, which I always love. It felt like it coulda been a bit more developed though, like you coulda spent a little more time on your piece to sharpen it up, real dope drop nontheless, coulda used a few proof reads is all I'm sayin'.

    Q - This shit was twisted. I really liked it, the imagery kept me reading. I really think you should switch up your flow though, I feel like you use the same exact flow week in and week out. Concept was good, overall, an enjoyable piece, but I prefer commentaries, and you only lost my vote because of personal preference.

    Vote - Jook, whoops, I mean Nah Son...
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    lol @ Q's verse .. issues man .. issues .. lol ..

    nah son - this is definitely the stand out piece from what I've read from you .. everyone knows I'm a story>topical person but this shit is up there with some of the best topicals I've read in this league .. and you've had some good story pieces .. this possibly ranks above those IMO .. maybe it's simply that this is something you feel somewhat passionate about but I definitely connected with this piece .. I'm not black or american but this piece spoke to me in a one-on-one kinda feel .. I was feeling what you had to say and bam! @ the final line .. it wasn't perfect in regards to a few text mechanics but fuck it .. the content was whoa! .. nice link to the Queen quote too .. *tips hat* ..

    Q - ...

    ... lol .. what the hell man .. you cunt .. putting images like that in my fucking head .. what the hell is wrong with you? .. that was warped .. but even more warped is the fact I liked the piece .. :eek: .. solid piece of work Q .. flow was nice and the rhyming hit nicely and unforced in the main .. really good job on telling a story and putting "me" there .. didn't enjoy what was going on in that disturbing piece of your cerebral transfering to mine .. but you told that shit well son .. a really good showing considering how snowed under you are atm .. (you and/or jook need to be around next weekend cos I pretty much won't be if this festival thing goes to plan) .. nice drop you demented bastid ..

    Vote = heads or tails? .. almost .. but I think I'm happy with my decision here .. it's close cos I enjoyed both .. however .. one just got me and says "you can only vote for me here" .. and that's ..

    Vote = nah son ..

    there's some blabber atm (again) about how people vote with mechanics in mind .. but you can't dismiss mechanics when it comes to feedback/critique .. I think this has Q with the dominant mechanics and a well told (fucked up) story .. but there was so little wrong with nah's for me .. I was so in to the content (and it read smooth with it too) that although not outstanding or prominent, the mechanics were fine .. this is a pure content thing .. major props to Q cos he stepped up here with some great mechanics to deliver his verse but I can't fault nah's as he gripped me in his text and just simply impressed me .. the content is the winner for me ..
  11. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    I'm sure bitching will ensue especially since my vote is for Q, but anyway, here's my breakdown.

    Nah - I thought this piece was bland...your rhyming and word choice was good, but the piece to me was very drab. I also count it against someone when they need to bring in outside images/topics in order to make their story work...goes against the whole topics provided concept in my eyes...I like what you had to say about MLK and JFK and the whole keep Obama alive, because the thought has definitely crossed minds that if he gets elected he'd get knocked off, but like with most topicals this didn't offer anything beyond that...you just stated ideas that most people have stated over and over, except you did it in rhyming. I think that's the downfall of pieces like this, because you're not offering anything new at all.

    Q - yo Q...that's what the fuck i'm talking about...that ending made me crack the hell up...I think this was executed really well with the events unfolding in regards to what would have happened if you went down a certain road...I think the scene was pretty fucking nasty and I'm actually sad to say i've never thought of the cutting of a guy's dick and taping it shut in his mouth so that he chokes on it...for once even I was like...damn...that's pretty fucking gory.

    I think the battle could go either way depending on voters, but to me this was a clear cut preference as I felt much more engaged and entertained by Q's piece.
  12. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
    nah son - Reading this was deja vu for me. With all the Jook commotion around you, I got to the MLK and JFK pictures and it reminded me of the Jook verse that ends with Bin Laden and how he fits the description as Jesus, and I was HOPING you wouldn't end this verse that way with Obama. Hoping...and then you did, and I was really let down because I KNEW it was coming and I didn't even see the picture. The writing itself was well done, elegant in a sense. Flow and progression had me glued to the piece, vocab was above average, but the idea behind this didn't really do it for me.

    Q - Fuck you. Old gross ass, storytelling with poopy fingers from changing diapers looking ass. That truly disgusted me. The mechanics were spot on, and I'm not really a fan of ending a verse with the cliche wake up from a dream ending, but the story itself was new and interesting. Creative for sure. Nothing really bad to say about it other than the nausea factor.

    Vote = Q for equal everything except for a more creative story, as that was about the only differing factor for me.
  13. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Mar 17, 2008

    Wow, what a trip man! I guess the theme of the story was...sometimes honesty aint the best policy haha. Great story told in a very vivid manner. What i like most about this piece was ur use of vocab. Strong utilization of the english language duke. Also the s- stuttering added some nice sensory that really brought the character to life. My only gripe was the ending. It really was building up to something but that ending just didn't leave me with much awe. But a pretty enjoyable read.

    Nah Son

    I like verses that utilize historical accounts in creative manner. You did that. On top of that u tied them up to present day and i thought that was pretty cool. As a whole, this piece was actually kind of silly (sorry Nah Son, just my thought), but what really upped this piece were the little commentaries that were sprinkled throughtout:

    I thought this was a little more than a silly plea to the heavens to keep Mr. O alive, but rather a strong examination of social landscape. very nice.

    My vote will go to Nah Son for a more thought provoking and relevant piece.
  14. vada

    vada New Member

    Apr 10, 2002
    nah son...

    i actually liked this, me myself i'm not a fan of history and could really careless for poitics, but re-visiting the familiar and kind of throwing in a sort of current event feel to the piece was creative and i enjoyed this, sort of like flicking through the history channel and cnn...lol...anyway the rhyme sheme was no different than it always is but that's your style, i'm not a fan of the aa/bb rhyme scheme but it works for you, vocab was decent and the flow of the verse was ok but some lines were stretched so it kind of made the read a little bumpy, all in all, good job


    well i must say this started slow for me but definately picked up towards the end, the body of the piece was good and the climatic scene was full of inttense imagery and me kind of holding my nuts like wtf, this dudes on some sick shit to even think that hurts more less reading about it, whatever the case, me personally would've liked it if he actually did endure what he did, the end left me kind of wondering though, did it actually happen or what, kind of like the end of the sopranos, but the rhyme scheme was good, better in parts than in others but it evened out, i enjoyed the imagery, but please dont lie and say you did this in 15 minutes, you damn well it took a little longer than that, anyway good verse


    this one was defiantely close, we have Nah with more of a topical that i really enjoyed, and then Q with an imagery packed story that i really enjoyed....wow this is tough....but i'm gonna go with Quriosity...this can go either way...his verse just pulled me in more...lol...i can still see that moth flying in the room
  15. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
    eye-rime wins, 5-3 in votes
    nah son fails to post 2 links
    eye-rime still wins, 5-1 in votes
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)