"Seeing What Is"

Discussion in 'Open Mic' started by namix, Nov 26, 2012.

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  1. namix

    namix u flip shit, i refine it

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    I once saw what I wanted, now I’m seeing what is
    was ignorant… but now I get, the reason it’s bliss
    for I was lost… and then found my reason to live
    amazing grace didn’t sound more sweet than it did

    cuz the plot gets a lot darker, deeper, and thick
    but the ending is lighter; sparking me like a wick
    it’s the story of a good book with no pieces omit
    but the message gets hidden by reading too quick
    ---
    I once dreamt I was awake; but kept sleeping for kicks
    and kept livin in the present so life seemed like a gift
    I knew I wasn’t perfect, i know most people are sick
    but seen too many more broken to think I needed a fix

    'the more wretched the land, the better I am.' seemed so legit
    i elected that chant; rejecting the chance to be more than it.
    protected my stance; neglecting to stand, in need of a lift
    was given a hand..... but never did plan on keeping a grip!

    we’ve all been living for believing… that a reason exists!
    to question ‘I am, who am’, who’s been teaching us this?
    my interest was amountin, which had piqued on a cliff;
    and faith was a conclusion reached by leaping off it!

    I kept seeking and seeking; couldn’t cease or desist
    defining my life by trying to find some meaning to it
    but the wisdom of the ancients said believe like a kid
    and the question wasn’t answered til it ceased to exist

    i bet that I would testify; if I test, and reason with it
    but beyond the shadow of a doubt was a deeper abyss
    for what we sow, we shall reap; and I really dont knit
    so it seems the seams I sew are all too easily ripped!

    always something up my sleeve, an unreachable itch
    i was deceived into thinking that we cant be tricked
    but now i’ll swallow my pride before it breaches my lips
    and practice what I preach, so I can preach what I did

    we all get what we deserve, and receive what we give
    …I once saw what I wanted, now I’m seeing what is.​
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    test
  2. Bloody Red

    Bloody Red New Member

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    I read this yesterday but really didnt know what to say ...

    with it being so deep and poetic I wouldnt want to start breaking down ish like flows and content lol

    poems arent my thing but I do get and understand them from time to time ..

    on this one I fealt it was cool to read ' get somebody elses perspective on life through poetry

    It was slow and not saying it in a bad way , but it was slow , the tempo I found

    I wasnt sure of everything you were trying to say but some parts I got the metophore

    it was cool man , keep doing your thing ..
    test
  3. Resilient.

    Resilient. .. . ..

    Joined:
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    This is as I'm reading.

    Line #12 - too many syllables
    Line #19-#20 - Nice metaphor
    Line #27-#28 - Best so far.

    Okay.

    Namix, my friend. I'm in love with this piece right here man. Let's talk flow. 1 line out the whole piece did not sound right. Take out the word "more" and it works, or take out "but" and it works. I think the one syllable threw it off. Otherwise, every line matched up accordingly. The imagery was amazing here. For some reason I can see a disheveled, old man, sitting at a desk, writing this poem. A dark room with a dim light on an old wooden desk. I don't know why that popped in my head as I read this, though. Great reader's voice, and I commend you on that. That metaphor in lines 19-20 - awesome, and I don't think people are going to see it. Reap what you sew section was perfect. Your overall vocabulary in this piece shows that there is still intelligent people out there. I think the level of sophistication in your work is that of the best writers in '01-'02. I'm talking IT, Jowelz, Vern, Fracture - It was truly amazing.

    I have to say, man. You have some serious fucking talent, and I wish you dropped more pieces like this. I never respond to shit I read unless I really enjoyed it. I don't waste my time. I think the most impressive part was using the same rhyme for 33 lines. That's is sheer brilliance. ending it the same way you started - perfect.

    This is hands down the best piece I've read in about 5 years. You leave me in awe, my friend. Again I say - this was truly amazing.
    *rep*
    test
  4. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    This had outstanding cadence....sorta like a very mature Dr. Seuss piece for adults. Very well crafted and worded, nice structure here....the end rhymes were killer as they twisted off the tongue in almost a musical way. the message was most intoxicating and for me a nostalgic. Each stanza was great. Good job friend.

    <3 this line and the set up to it:

    but the wisdom of the ancients said believe like a kid
    and the question wasn’t answered til it ceased to exist
    test
  5. namix

    namix u flip shit, i refine it

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    thanks so much for the feedback fellas!

    and damn @Resilient. - awesome breakdown bro, really glad you appreciated it for what it was and I really appreciate the thoughts and savvy synthesis of the drop. awesome looks, some of the best feedback I've seen in a hot minute - the kind of feedback that does make me want to drop more frequently. good looks brother!!!
    test
  6. TheVisionary

    TheVisionary New Member

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    Messages:
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    This is a really good, poetic piece. I felt like the beginning was building up, and then you got gradually more complex with the ideas and rhymes. Really feeling this piece, one thing I might work on is putting in some deeper vivid imagery whenever you get the chance. That's just looking for something to critique though, this was a great open mic.
    test
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