[S3WK2] TheReturn 12-3 v. rocket 0-1 (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001


    Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
    Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

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  2. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006
  3. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Aug 24, 2006

    You were a spitting image,
    And ever since I'd had lifted spirits
    As I roam away from home and we did the business.
    With you it was the quickest visits,
    'Cause I had a gifted interest in that body
    But your mind left me with a list of wishes.

    It was a special occasion...
    For most it was occasionally special
    But for us it was laughs, for me you were placed on a pedestal.
    Loved you for so many reasons,
    Like your expression as you tasted your vegetables.
    Little things like that, unexplainable
    And I knew from day one more dates were inevitable.
    You spoke freely, often in hushed words
    Like your biggest secret was what I had just heard.
    Conversations of politics, gospels and what's worse
    Is we talked religion without mentioning cuss words,
    Which for me is a sure sign that I'm love hurt.
    It's serious...

    But when I'm with you, I can tell 'cause it switches
    The way you go from elegant diction
    To your spell-stricken hellish addiction.
    I can feel the sweltering tips of your fingers
    And I melt with the quickness
    As they tug at the buckle on the belt of my britches.
    Before sex I say I love you and please
    Then I'm up in a breeze
    And next I make a run through your jeans,
    Quick! Legs up, fess up
    You hate it when I fuck you and leave,
    Rather have me make love, touch you and scream.
    And that's the way it's done to a "T"
    Tell you today's been fun
    And after sex I thank you and jump to my feet
    To come home, hug you and sleep.

    'Cause with you, it ain't the body,
    It's the way you open your mind.
    Scenes unfolding as I dream of holding you tight,
    A stolen whisper's moment, frozen in time
    As "I love you" is coupled with your cold shouldered "goodnight"
    But I brush away feelings of being the loneliest guy
    'Cause nothing I do
    Can match the way we've grown over time.
    And I respect that, above all, you showed me the light
    Of emotional love, before I got older and died.
    And I love you too,
    By physical, less emotional ties
    Shown in the boldness of your moans and your cries
    Because you too, like you, have opened my eyes.

    Like Ludacris said,
    I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed
    So instead I lay alone and awake, hurtin'
    'Cause everytime we flirt my day worsens.
    It's like...I'd be dying to meet you, Miss Right
    If only you and you
    Could be two halves of the same person.

  4. rocket

    rocket New Member

    Nov 24, 2003
  5. rocket

    rocket New Member

    Nov 24, 2003
    i sit here wondering about wondering about me
    who will miss, who will see, who will care about me?
    what will be, what will become, what will happen to me?
    staring, i look out into the void, a vast blank dangerous sea
    when will you notice when will you care that Im dying to see
    Im dying to see, dying to be, dying to crave you and me
    love is no object but money never ceases to be
    all I have to give all that I own is yours my sweet
    I walk with confidence thru the desert of maybe
    i dessert on compassion and feast on serendipity
    who am i to you but the other half of your individuality
    you are my spirituality, my virtual lyricallity

    I got no where to go, into your arms I retreat
    you are everything i seek, I prove it whenever we meet
    that central emotion that driving passion within me
    it just constantly says "this is it she's the one"
    I'll never know until you heart is completely won
    Im ready now and im sorry for what Ive done
    Im sorry cant begin to make what is, undone
    but look what we've achieved with our son
    achievement at its highest point is him and fun
    stop that crying now we're over that baby
    Im what you want, what you need, it seems
    all I ever wanted is forgetting about me
    why should i retreat? why suffer this defeat?
    why is the question incessently plagueing me

    forget what Ive done, forgive all i've said
    without you and me we'd both be dead
    our lives interwined beyond a common thread
    you saved me from drowning in bottle, still
    a knifes edge beckoned to you until
    it lost its flavor lost its bite lost its thrill
    self-destructive we both were in cycles
    our lives so close to the drain, recycled
    so similar we are like dayquil and nyquil
    yin to my yang a silent answer to why?
    why was I put here? why am I still alive?
    to save us for eachother, a unity of life

    a testament to the fact that Im writing
    a statement verifying I write while crying
    heart on my sleave visible without scrying
    no fortune told while standing on this ledge
    Im a betting man and all my bets are hedged
    they rest on you and this love on a knifes edge

    topic: Knifes edge
  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    TR - this read really smooth and I didn't follow it the first time through completely because I don't like these puzzles where I have to follow the different you's and all that, but it did read really smooth...don't think the content was all that special, but whichever, it was an easy read.

    Rock - can't say the same...this felt like a chore to read...the repetition just made this drag on and on and the piece never really went anywhere...there was no climax of emotion...what there was though was a tremendous lack of balance in syllables from couplet to couplet...the whole rhythm of the piece was just off to me...the transitions weren't there and it was just so gloomy and emo...blah.

    vote = TR for a smoother, easer, slightly enjoyable read.
  7. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Mar 17, 2008

    This verse summed up why i'm such a fan of this guy's writing style. What he differs from most that i've read is that he's able to discuss and comment on the small details of life...

    Trivial? maybe, but it's details that are overlooked and not often explored. This piece maybe corny at a glance but the details and thoughts that were examined and discussed made it go from ill to...damn! I'm also one who take much noticed at the "little things" i guess that's why i connected with this piece so much. Great job. And im not even going to discuss his ill flow, lol.


    I apologize if i didn't pick up on the symbolisms or metaphors that you've created (or rather, IF you created), but i couldn't get into this verse at all. That repetition technique drove me nuts because behind the flash, there was no real motives or purpose for it. Usually reps are used to drill a specific idea (crucial idea) into the reader but i couldn't see where u were getting at. However on the upside, the imagery were dope!

    Vote goes to TheReturn. His verse was more interesting, not to mention was more clear as to the message and was just overall....better written. But biggup to Rocket too for a notable piece. peace.
  8. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Dec 4, 2005
    TR - Real dope, and very real. Shit was mad down to earth for me, mainly because I've dealt with some similar shit. You really portrayed the conflict of being in love with two people, and really only wanting to love one, but they both have qualities you hoped to find in one woman. Mechanics were great from the second verse on, in the first verse they were kind of lacking though. The concept was great, the emotions were great, though I would've liked to see more imagery to add a bit more of a realistic connection to the reader. Overall, a real solid verse all around, with little room for improvement.

    Rocket - The repetition thing didn't really bother me. I wish the mechanics were better, you REALLY need to improve on your rhyme scheme. Your emotion is great, I think this piece was definitely written for someone in real life, and I can definitely dig that. Everything about your verse was so real and I think it's great that your personality shines through in your writing. Like I said though, the mechanics were just terrible, if you worked on those, you really may have won this match.

    Vote - TheReturn...
  9. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Nov 24, 2001
    thereturn - dope concept and dope presentation, the rhythm here was very enjoyable and carried me through without my even noticing, your verse looked a lot longer than it actually read which is a good thing i suppose, even when the syllables seemed off like the in the "inevitable" snippet, the rhythm was still there and it worked and i loved the beginning of the sex scene, really mature and concise flow here without sacrificing anything, the content itself covered some familiar areas like sex and what not but the underlying theme as a whole was creative to me, the finish was good as well but the ludacris line was the worst by far, just seemed like you the level in which you were writing was lowered for that line but it never really hurt the script, so good stuff

    rocket - this was good but never stood much of a chance, contrary to TR's verse, yours definitely read as long as it looked if not longer which was a downfall, the tone was drab and monotone for the most part and drug on forever, though the content was arguably good i just dont think it was presented in a well enough fashion to match up against good content + good mechanics which can be found in the verse above yours, as is this was a decent read that was long and somewhat dry, slight emotion was shone but you only focused on that with little actual development of the character or descriptive imagery and whatnot, the flow was also less enjoyable than TR's and very imperfect at times, nevertheless it was still a decent verse

    vote - thereturn
  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    TR - thank fuckers you reverted back to doing you .. I dunno what everyone saw last week but I didn't see it .. this was much better though .. I liked how you went about setting this piece up .. the back n forth of the turmoil was not only tackled well but also displayed well and was pretty easy to catch on to once it was obvious where this was going (which was fairly early on) .. I enjoyed .. nice

    rocket - thanks for subbing in .. appreciated .. this piece blew hot n cold for me though .. I liked the sentiment to the piece in general .. there were some nice lines dotted within .. the flow was very choppy though .. it would start to bounce one way and then suddenly stumble into a different feel of flow before switching again .. became slightly awkward to read on the flow front .. the repitition factor wasn't so much a hindrance as just not really utilized too well for me .. decent piece ..

    Vote = TheReturn .. I just think it was elevated in most areas of writing along with having a more appealing and interesting content approach too ..
  11. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Mar 18, 2008
    return - enjoyed this piece. nicely told and a nice concept that held the whole thing together. the rhythm was enough to keep me interested throughout the piece and i didnt find myself getting bored at any point. over all a very good little piece.

    rocket - not too bad a verse honestly. but there was no way it was going to compete, not to be an arse. pretty basic verse over all but was quite enjoyable for what it was. not too bad, the flow was decent enough. just the story and writing weren't as captivating as returns piece.

    vote - thereturn.
  12. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

    Nov 7, 2001
    TheReturn: Easy read for me which is good. I thought you portrayed well the two dynamics of the woman you want - but not getting them from the same one -- all wrapped in one. I like your style and structure.

    Rocket - flow needs a lot of work - multi's would help make it a little more smoothe. Choppy read...all has been pretty much said.

    Vote - The Return
  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Jul 14, 2001
    7-0 TR
    relaxed on voting links ..
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