[S3WK2] .:Pain:. 1-0 v. Mic-illaH (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
    Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

    YOU MUST VOTE ON FINALE!

    test
  2. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    [​IMG]

    Beauty in vibrance, eyes lit, mind drifts,
    Beyond the orange hues coursing through horizens,
    The poorest fools can find this, spot the star,
    That sits on the land till the constant dark,
    The rays extend, and offer their gift,
    Illumination, like a sage parting his lips,
    A sublime mood arrives in time to
    settle, let us let go of the plight we ride through,
    The sunrays displace the strain of the day,
    The effect of orange on the strength of a brain,

    While we work though, blue skies glow,
    Like the cleanest of the seas, it mutes thy moan,
    The birds swim high, the fish fly low,
    We linger in between, our big eyes soaked,

    Some watch tired, or flying from the gray,
    Eyes have red wires lining all the aches,
    Smoke surrounds souls, sets fire to a brain,
    Green liars keep trying to deny it of its praise,
    The circle is complete while they're lying in their grave,
    And the grass above sprouts to show tyrants aren't saved,

    With the meddlesome yellow sun shining down its rays,
    A fellow young yellow shmuch cries about his pain,
    Scared to face life, he cuts himself and cries,

    The red he sees sets a scene of running from the light,
    The desire to die is characterized in blood,
    Barely a try to carry his life was done,

    All he sees is black, constantly in slumber,
    Fitting that his end was the conglomerate of colors,

    Others see the opposite, chasing a lights moves,
    Only to see the messiah isn't painted a white hue,

    But as he dies, another is concieved,
    A man sees pink on his lover, and is pleased,
    To think of this color makes him wonder of a scene,
    Where the brink of the summer drums thunder in the breeze,

    And it only gets better because of her bronze skin,
    It becomes beyond mention that their loving is constant,

    Her brown eyes shout high their needs,
    His hazel orbs take him towards their reach,
    She casts some words and emits passion's verbs,
    "Keep going," as his nose is invaded by lavender,
    The senses come full circle in timing,
    He feels like a king amongst the purple and violet,

    Locked in a gaze, they constantly stare,
    As he gets lost in the blonde locks of her hair,


    I stay hush, but valid,
    A little hue, a visual created with my paintbrush and palette,
    I'm an artist, each session taunts the bland,
    A sculptor, a musician, a rennessaince man,
    A writer, an architect, I've constructed the Earth,
    To give each man exactly what they deserve,
    It took six days, but I continue to wonder,
    And I continue to paint all those beautiful colors...​
    test
  3. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

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    "Dying to Meet You"

    I always tried to do right, make the most of life
    Then I saw her, so popular amongst the socialites
    She peaked my interest, began to creep by inches
    So I developed a plan so I could meet the misses
    I began to inquire but some got pissed for askin
    Others offered to hook us up - what a mixed reaction
    She had a smokey aura mixed with a hispanic accent
    I gotta be havin that, nervous as a matter of fact
    Cuz she's never alone, she always travels in packs
    But I wanted my shot, before she got passed around
    So I gathered up some courage and asked her out
    This was a first for me, friends told me what to do
    She knew I was inexperienced, felt like such a fool
    But then I got my grip and I'm only sayin this once
    We became inseperable and been datin for months......


    Now I gotta be endin this, before I'm sendin fists
    Throughs heads and shit, Lets take a minute to remenisce...


    When we first met, she left a bad taste in my mouth
    She's been around, like with every face in the crowd
    But she's smokin hot, at first I would start to lie
    Say we were just friends but every time sparks would fly
    Got close and she became my dependent, it was like magic
    She became very addicting and I couldn't kick the habit
    She squeezed my lungs and began to take my breath away
    I had to dump her and began to think of what steps to take
    I tried to put her out, but she wouldn't leave my mind
    The thought of her to my lips, put me at ease inside
    But I needed to leave her, but I cant! - What the fuck!
    How much I would miss her smell and to touch her butt
    But she ruined my reputation, it was such a secret curse
    And every fucking where I went, I simply reeked of her
    Now its too late, I'm so stupid and I just resist the answer
    Now I have bad breath, yellow teeth, tarred lungs and a risk of cancer.......

    My first love, I will never forget you, it was a cig
    I was dyin to meet you, now i'm dying cuz i did
    test
  4. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    Down to sub into another match if CK no shows by tomorrow night...
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  5. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Up over no shows.

    Mic-illaH substituted for Cereal Killer.

    Luc - Both Pain & Mic-illaH get the win from their no-show (pts for wk1 of divisions ranking) ..
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  6. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

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    hmmm...

    Mic Illah

    The allegory was pretty well told and there were a numbers of great one liners. But much like a cig, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm hoping there was a greater purpose to this piece than the extremely addictive quality of cigarettes but i don't think there were. But as a story on it's own, it was very well done. And the flow was natural and i love the conversational tone of it. dope man.


    Pain

    An upgrade on TheReturn creation concept but this was done very creatively. Some may see the whole color text thing as hokey, lol, but i liked it. Obviously the words were crafted carefully to cater to the concept of the piece and i appreciate that extra effort. The flow had some hiccup but overall was smooth!


    It's kind of hard to pick the winner of this as both piece offered something different. One was a cliche story about addiction (albeit a very well written) the other was a colorful translation of Genesis. This battle comes down to which i piece i enjoyed more...and with that said, my vote goes to Pain. I got more from Pain's piece than Mic's; despite the ill allegory presented, Mic's piece was painfully generic and pointless.
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  7. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    test
  8. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Pain - This was a beautifully written piece, and a brilliant idea IMO. God as an artist, genius. I kid. I'll give you that this was levels beyond mine in terms of writing, and I couldn't really find a fault with this piece. The pink part was illllllllll son.

    "But as he dies, another is concieved,
    A man sees pink on his lover, and is pleased,
    To think of this color makes him wonder of a scene,
    Where the brink of the summer drums thunder in the breeze"

    Whewwwwwww fire.

    Mic-illaH - I saw the twist coming about mid way through the second stanza because 3PA had written a similar piece about a love interest turning out to be marijuana that I'd read just a few weeks ago. That said, I still enjoyed the way you ended it, kind of playing on the words of the topic you used, so props on that.

    Two stories, both with ideas I'd seen very recently but done a little differently. For me, I have to vote Pain because his level of writing was a few steps above Mic's in this one. But it doesn't really matter as they both have gotten a win for the week. Nice battle.
    test
  9. rocket

    rocket New Member

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    pain - I saw the colors and was like what the fuck is this? then I actually read it.... Great way to use the color as a visual aid not many have or will do that successfully. On the story note I loved it, especially the ending took me by surprise but in a very good way.


    Mic - at first I was thinking generic story good rhyming good flow overall ok then i got to the end and it bumped up my estimation of you by a few points. turned out pretty good but not quite enough for the win here. One thing you may want to do in the future is write like you are gonna go up against the best writer you've ever read. You've got a style that works for competition you just need to polish it.


    Vote Pain
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  10. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    neither were original in approach but both did a good job of what they did ..

    Pain - DaD did a colour code piece not too long ago which was pretty decent .. but this was a lot more how it should be done to full effect .. it made sense to colour code it and it didn't just come off as a cheap gimmick to the piece .. the content was nice and I was feeling the way in which it was written .. nice piece ..

    Mic - This kind of approach to trying to make the reader think the subject matter is a woman and then 'flipping' it to an inanimate object is even less original than colour codes .. I've read a fair few different drugs used in this approach .. I do like how you took direction from the topic and I connected with the content (being a smoker who has tried to quit a few times) .. some of the sentiment was real talk but some areas seemed less prominent and kinda on "filler" level .. good piece though ..

    Vote = Pain .. I just think there was more to Pain's verse for me .. I liked both for certain reasons but for more reasons in Pain's verse .. good battle and both deserve the feedback for swapping their no-shows ..
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  11. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

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    pain - looking over your verse i thought that whole colour coded thing was going to get incredibly annoying. oddly enough it didn't. props on that one. although dolla did a similar piece recently, i think this was more effective over all. the flow and mechanics were decent enough to hold this piece together and over all it was good.

    Mic - not a bad little piece even if it was with a slightly over used twist. didn't really take too much from the story over all though, which is always good. i didn't take as much from this as i did from pains piece but thats not to say that this wasnt good. over all it was a decent piece that was pipped at the post by another decent piece.

    vote - pain.
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  12. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    bah at my internet going down in the storm, have to type up my vote again...

    pain - this verse just had that touch that your pieces tend to have, where you get that balance of good "poetic" writing, but with a touch of realness that makes it so relatable and enjoyable, this piece was done quite well and I also enjoyed the extra touch you delivered by including the colors and adding that element.

    mic - this could have been a brilliant verse if you did two things...well three...upped your rhyme scheme...improved your word choice/vocab...and if you hid the fact that this was going to be about cigarettes better...instead the 2nd stanza basically made that clear as day and it took away from the weight of the conclusion.

    vote = Pain.
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  13. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

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    Pain...I enjoyed it...the lyrics were artisticly written, I can see that you put a lot of effort into it. The ending summed up the piece..."and I continue to wonder. And I continue to paint all those beautiful colors"
    Mic-Illah - I thought yours was good, the concept was great, and to the end of the song it hit me what you were chattin about. I think it's effective to allow someone to make an assumption, and then pull the carpet from underneath their feet, and u did that well. The content was good, but I feel it was simplistic compared to Pains
    vote pain for complexity
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  14. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

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    test
  15. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    pain - inventive to say the least, the presentation reminded me of a DAD verse but with a much better approach, the flow/rhythm was smooth and carried me through and the overall verse was creative in both concept and presentation, i dug this, too bad i don't have much time to comment, the only beefs i had however was the ending which was still good but it just seemed as though you were running out of ideas or patience and rapped it up quickly, still worked for me though and overall this was a dope verse

    mic-illah - whether i saw the twist or not the concept has been overused and done much better, this verse was a let down as it started off rather nice and fell rapidly for a short and uninteresting read, the flow was good at times but up and down for the most part as was the content and wording and whatnot, overall i think you really just needed a better idea/story to stand any type of chance, your writing talent is decent and with fresher and more creative ideas i think you could be a contender as is but both could use work

    vote - pain
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  16. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    7-0 Pain
    relaxed on voting links ..
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