[S3WK2] nom de plume. 7-4 v. Chin Kwon 1-0 (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
    Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

    YOU MUST VOTE ON FINALE!

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  2. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

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  3. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

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  4. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

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    [​IMG]


    Street lights defies looming darkness,
    as twilight signals newly harness
    Sparks of energy; from man to beast, all demanded a grand relief
    As ones plan for ends meet, becomes an endless dance of grief
    But...beneath this humdrum march of monotony
    Beyond the grandeur prestige of Harvard/M.I.T
    exist a darker place....

    BOSTON...

    Perhaps the port that never sleeps
    Where sirens and violent cantankerous squads run the streets
    After the bland and numbing week,
    Freaks and transgenders take their stands at corner streets
    Handing quarter pieces to any man without moral
    Deep...inside the fabric of this modern day Eden
    A marathon ensues
    To be the rightful bearer of these laboring "fruits"
    Escape is futile; this system of quarrels and beefs
    is the driving force of life
    Highly endorsed in mayorial speech

    "I believe Boston can be
    the most inviting, empowering and captivating city..."
    -Mayor Menino
    *

    Dilapidated and weary, masked in the finest of cloth
    Binded by likeness for success, they pressed for ideas to cross
    And this is how it started; where the fine line become blurred
    Between the primitive streets and the more highly evolved
    The designs were flawed
    Somewhere along the line, the laws of time was halted
    Resulting in a horrifying comment on our kind thus far
    That human CONSCIENCE can be TWISTED
    Into a SCIENCE of CON
    This is BOSTON...

    [​IMG]

    A trying paradox; The sublime school of thought
    Where "windows" of opportunities exist behind the school of "knocks"
    Students would flock, from all walks of high society
    "Itching" to try a piece of what we deemed the "Ivy" league
    But on the other side of the street, where the vile would meet
    Itchy fingers deprive a child the right to smile in peace
    And wild weeds were often the means to cope with stress
    Defeated...
    ...so "smoking trees" were the only way they know "suc-cess"
    Hobos detested by countless faces passing them by
    gazing with nasty impeachment as they preach in ghastly disguise
    This is BOSTON...

    [​IMG]

    Colorful? Yes, but that's to say the least
    Depending on perspective,
    We're either Hades, or a place of dreams
    Stadium beams luminate through the late of night
    And Lansdowne Street parade the pavements with disco lights
    Through the window i watched my city, a metro, lit so bright
    As i ate alone in Chinatown on this crisp cold night
    Holding tight to the aroma of fried squid and fine green bell
    Peppers that rest before, I examine the texture and smell
    Beneath the abrasive s.p.icy exterior, i could definitely tell
    That a celebration of palate exists beneath the surface
    And well...heheh
    This is Boston, despite the humdrum exterior that life has propel
    You're sure to find a pearl of wisdom, hidden inside this shell...


    [​IMG]



    ________

    * http://www.cityofboston.gov/mayor/
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  5. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

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    It broke her
    Heart
    When she died

    She was 16, always kept a rose in her blouse
    She claimed it was Atonement for now

    She had a cross to bear, they spoke in obnoxious stares
    They’d watch from the gutters with half conscious cares
    With their pungent airs and graces, they were barely faces
    They were paired as strangers, tread scared as angels
    She wore a barely there halo, kissed with the trace of a saint
    Knew her day would come, since history favours the great
    And history favours the patient with the time to spare
    Especially this pretty little thing with the migrant’s hair
    With the slightest prayer, walked on water, got her feet wet
    Even a fool could find treasure in a beliefs wreck
    I lived in her dreams debt, while I followed her steps
    Those footprints in the sand, were hollow at best

    [she speaks no evil]

    She spoke in strange tones, walked the righteous side of the path
    They hated her wretched little mouth that moved in a tiring laugh
    In light of the past, they kept their jibes in their pocket
    She kept gold in hers, myrrh perfumed words and a lie in a locket
    She resented pious prophets with a grudge and a wink
    She was a favourite at bars when she’d double their drink
    I had trouble, I think, with the way that she moved
    Every half bright man thought that they’d be taming this shrew
    And I hated to be breaking the news, that there was no chance in hell
    That they’d be touching her, fucking her, I tried my chance as well
    Because as they say, every dog has its day
    She wouldn’t look a man in the eye, unless he was stopping to pray

    [please. let her speak. listen.]

    She subsists on bread and water, heavens daughter
    And when the skies broke, good lord, heathens caught her
    She couldn’t breathe in the water of the tides that we spoke
    On the body of the wave she was trying to float
    She was tired of hope, caught her like an off beat song
    Like summer gone wrong, like a knock kneed psalm
    Like I can’t cause harm with a bruise on my palm
    And like any good story, they say the truths in the yarn
    I’d sooner discard the light in the tunnel
    Then ever even admit that every day that I’d loved you
    But the words bubble out now we know the truth
    They put a marker on her chest now we know to shoot

    [that was your last chance]

    But every soothsayer knows that our times are abrupt
    They also know nothing in our time spans dependent on luck
    A friend isn’t love; this is a ten minute lust
    Where we watched her every move, because heaven is trust
    She saw the devil in us, we smelt home in her hair
    Just another hopeful soul, she was broken and scared
    She was hopeful we’d care, but our truths rang false
    Till she wore a crown of thorns and bruise tinged hope
    Loose lipped toasts with the blood of a saviour
    She was another lost fool with her trust in a traitor
    Betrayed not by a kiss, but a gun and a threat
    We don’t believe in a Christ now, we’ll see our punishment yet

    [she was telling the truth]

    It was over in seconds, the shot, a sobering sound
    She was 16, we left her with a rose on her blouse​

    'Stood Alone'
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  6. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Nice battle, over no shows.
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  7. rocket

    rocket New Member

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    Nom - wow....just wow... a fitting name but the question rises why do you need a nom de plume, Nom De Plume? This was an excellent peice written in a clear concise manner Your peice even tho I am working off 4 hrs of sleep kept me awake and interested and was an excellent story. The figurative way you used "rose on her chest" was a turn I'd not expected and quite literally appreciated.

    Chin - Well.... you know how to rhyme. However the peice confused me with use of what i can only assume are words you forgot to put to page. There were many disjointed thoughts that didnt quite bring to full effect what I believe you were trying to get across, which i think, is how dangerous a life in Boston is. My advice is write first from your heart then rewrite with your head. No, I dont follow my own advice well... Sorry...


    Vote Nom De Plume aka John Wayne aka Mark Twain... hahaha
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  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    13,681
    Chin - couldn't disagree with rocket more...the whole piece definitely made sense to me and I could relate prolly because of the similarities of NYC and Boston...i like how you portrayed the piece and it was definitely a well versed ode to your city...and wtf is with you and Q and using the word dilapidated...bah. lol.

    Nom - I think your ending saved this piece as I think you started running rampant randomly throughout the middle of this verse. The piece was written beautifully though and I really enjoyed the poetic aspects to it...almost felt like a Joan of Arc meets Jesus Christ piece.

    vote = Nom.
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  9. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Fuck this is a good battle.

    Chin - You started out on a roll, everything between the first and second pictures was fire. Kept me interested, liked the way you wrote about a city but what was even better was that it felt more like you were telling me a story that told me about a city, so it never got boring to read. The writing in this was very well done, but I felt like towards the in you kind of lost some steam, like it never really climaxed it just kind of trailed off toward the end.

    nom - This was an enjoyable read. Got alittle dragged out in the middle, kind of made me think you had that nice ending all picked out at the start and pulled a story out of the air in order to get to the nice ending. I think the writing was done better than Chin's, but Chin had the better concept in this one.

    Vote = nom de plume. for an overall more enjoyable and better written story, though not the most creative in the battle.
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  10. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    Chin - And wild weeds were often the means to cope with stress
    Defeated...
    ...so "smoking trees" were the only way they know "suc-cess"
    ^That shit was fuckin' sick. Overall, I thought your shit was dope. Kinda simplisitic, but well done. However, I feel like when you do an ode, you really need to stress the song format to pull it off. The flow was just too stretched for that to happen here. Incredible use of words, and a hell of a rhyme scheme helped your cause. I really dug the cutscene format of your verse too, I just wish the flow was more fluent.

    NDP - The ending was dope as fuck. I really liked the scheme and the flow, though I kinda feel like the complexity of the scheme hindered your wording at some points. Your portrayal of this girl, however, was almost flawless. You really developed the character thoroughly, and that made the ending much better. You really made and effort to connect the reader to this girl through description and definitely succeeded.

    Vote - This is a tough one for me, I really liked how down to earth and real CK's verse was, so I'm gonna cast my vote for him, though I honestly could go the other way. I would vote this match a draw if it was allowed...
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  11. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    chin kwon - this really read as a waste of time, i mean you had like 60 something lines about boston, there was no story or underlying theme or message or nothing really entertaining enough to warrant a finish, i would have liked it if you incorporated some time of story or plot or at least made something significant happen so as to catch the readers attention, also the quotes and what not were unneeded and the suc-cess line was played wordplay incorporated into an rstl verse, overall this was good at times with flow up and down but as a whole the content was unworthy of so much time and effort that it seems you put into this, of course this is only my opinion and i have no ill-feelings towards boston but im astonished at the fact that you actually were able to stretch this as far as you did

    nom de plume - mixed feelings as there were definitely instances where i was pulled in by your writing and yet this too seemed to be somewhat drab in content, most definitely a better story than a love letter to boston but this seemed to drag at times and pick up at others, i did enjoy the ending and some of the descriptions about her character and overall the pick was easy for me as i simply enjoyed your story better, but it wasn't the usual nom material for me, the flow was pretty good throughout and all other things were the same but the content and presentation was a level below your normal writing in my opinion, or maybe ive come to consistently expect to much but nevertheless it makes no difference in my vote

    so, vote - nom de plume
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  12. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

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    Chin - I think the last part of your piece pulled it together - It was very scattered for me and I didn't know what you were really trying to say until the end. I did enjoy the structure, but I think a more ''personalized'' story would have worked better.

    Nom - First, the flow and multi's were on point, made it a very easy read. I enjoyed the storyline. I was a little lost in the middle but like in Chin's, the ending helped pull it together - which happens a lot I guess. Overall, good drop.

    Vote - NOM
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  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    6-0 nom
    relaxed on voting links ..
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