[S3WK2] Extreme Venom 0-1 v. Ace The Prophet 0-1 (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 22, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850

    [​IMG]

    Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
    Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

    YOU MUST VOTE ON FINALE!

    test
  2. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2005
    Messages:
    4,343
    test
  3. Extreme Venom

    Extreme Venom Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 1999
    Messages:
    10,444
    chech.. good luck.. I'll enter vote links & shizzle here..
    test
  4. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2005
    Messages:
    4,343
    Good luck to you too homie...here's my piece for this week

    Six Months Later I Stood Alone

    [​IMG]

    Intrigued by the love and the passion I adored
    She seemed so powerful, spectacular of sorts
    I was caught in the midst by the size of her tits
    From her eyes to her lips, she just tightened the grip
    Of her grasp on my love, hypnotized by the hips
    The way that they moved made the size of my dick
    Increase to just the right height and the width
    To moisturize the clit that I was likely to hit

    Enveloped by love, how could I ever surpass
    This chance of orgasmic positions she’d let me enact?
    So I showed her the Trojan she gently unwrapped
    So we could play the parts that we would sexually act

    Her breath on my neck left me smooth and erect
    It’s like she’d done it before and knew the moves to perfect
    Every aspect of this special activity
    To leave me saying “Jesus!” like I’m re-enacting Nativity!

    It was both of our firsts so we wanted it to last
    Emotions flourished as she rolled the rubber down the shaft
    She laid back, spread her legs and I was quick to insert
    Praying to God that I wouldn’t be even quicker to squirt!
    But it lasted, man she never looked so beautiful
    As when she moaned her emotions more sexier than usual
    And with every thrust I could feel in her heart
    This stroke of our love painted an image of art

    [​IMG]

    It’s a piece I reflect on half a year later
    I’m still saying “Jesus” but I need him as a savior
    We got religious with our love as colors became mixed
    Our paints turned to gray and loving became fixed
    Literally, we had it down to every interval
    Argue, fight, make up, and get physical

    I’d do whatever for her, it’s as real as it sounds
    Would’ve went to the edge of the Earth but the world spins round

    So what’d I do so wrong for her to abandon me
    And disrespect the man in me ever so outlandishly?
    One minute she’s in love and the next it’s over
    Though I put rocks on her fingers while her neck got boulders
    Arguments got heated as the sex got colder
    It was a never-ending war, God bless the soldier
    Who seemed triumphant as he had risen from the floor
    Just to be captured as her prisoner of war

    The days went by as our young love faded
    But I wasn’t gonna take it, this young love waited
    And committed every moment to fulfilling her dreams
    And expressing her my love through all these brilliant schemes
    Or so they seemed to my impenetrable mind
    Blocked by the love of all our sexual times
    Which she had inferred in a single glance of her eyes
    Was over, never again would I see our passion arise
    As it did in our first moments of love
    But I made a wrong turn, it’s not the road that I want

    [​IMG]

    So there I stood alone in the bone-chilling cold
    Not a leaf on a tree, not a soul on the road
    Wondering how I had become so segregated
    From the reality of life and how anyone has ever made it
    Past what I did, I had suffered from the curse
    From becoming engulfed by the love that was dispersed
    Within sex, it’s a spectacular sin
    I just hope I have the strength to never let it happen again​
    test
  5. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    Extreme Venom

    [​IMG]

    At first it didn't seem, so bad.. but got worse..
    From Birth to Work to Hurt to church to Herse...
    Now...
    I walk the towns alone, focused not bitter..
    Increased my Motions, No quitter
    Some Holy Ghost shit where demons slither.....
    The world of evil goes unseen, by eyes of men..
    Unless you Dream or Your like me when your life has end..
    The way we reached our Demise is not important..
    I'm tryina warn you bout the missions of the Demons that cause it..
    See..
    As a Human Ghost I have no real powers, but bet..
    I'll make moves keeping You from Devouring death...
    When you walked across the street and you Almost got hit..
    It was me that made you trip & avoid the shit..
    & it was demons causing speeding seething Behind the scenes
    While were you thinkin' you were lucky, Shocked, re-tieing your strings..
    Normally, it would be Angels performing this task..
    But all of them are Waring the bad, The warrenty lacks...
    Cause Satan's legions multiply by millions a day..
    While God chooses Angels Carefully, The Willingly way..
    So now you know the force of good is out numbered on earth..
    It's the Devils realm, Battles rage when thunder gets worse...
    See,
    While Some people die and become ghost who Know whats right
    More people die Becomeing Banshees & Poltergiest,
    They loved life so in Death thier Bitter,
    Manifestin' for power? Evil accepted... You get the Picture?
    Striving to Upgrade thier rank to Demon,
    They terrorize the Living race, Hate Replacin' reason
    Get it?
    Good souls, tho our numbers are few
    Choose help the outnumbered Angels, suffering too
    I saw an Angel get torn Limb from Limb..
    Defending a child from Death, against 20, it was Grim for him..
    He fought hard but in the end he failed
    8 Demons survived After he resent 12 to hell
    We go unseen as Good ghost to Demons
    I guess thats God keeping us safe cause other lost souls are eaten
    Angels see Demons & Demons see Angels, Its Obvious
    They'd attack if they could see us like Angels... In God we trust..
    We dwell on the earth as shadows, they battle, hopeing to slow things
    Doing what we can till the day we Grow Wings
    To fight & die As an Angel is The Summer & beach
    You simply go back to heaven till your number is reached
    Then you head back to earth, make the thunder increase
    So the next time a crime ain't go as you planned it,
    Or the suicidal thoughts you were Holdin' just vanish
    Maby you almost got shot But sons boulder was Jammin'
    Remember we're here Fighting Droves for you...
    ....all over the Planet...


    [​IMG]
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Ace the Prophet begins at 1-0 up in votes ..
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Ace - this is a real piece and I can respect that aspect of it, but it felt so god damn generic, like something every single person has touched upon and you didn't add any original touch to it, what you needed to pull this piece off was better imagery, stronger emotion, and character development so people could actually feel for your character, instead you spent that time to talk about his dick getting big hoping to hit a clit...and don't ever write "more sexier" shit irked me like a motherfucker...bad grammar is just unacceptable.

    Venny - if you spent a little more time and tightened this up it would have read better, but I loved the feel of the piece, like you hit on this topic about this struggle between good and evil, but in a way that I haven't seen it done to recently. It was a more engaging and a more creative read than that of Ace's and I enjoyed it more.

    vote = EV.
    test
  8. rocket

    rocket New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2003
    Messages:
    276
    Ace - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA great topic bro but seriously as I found out to my dismay no one including myself wants to hear your sick fantasies. after the sick fantasy was some good story telling but I'll tell you now, to start that way and end a completely other way changes the feel of the verse and people lose interest as such when you switched modes that drastically I just couldnt keep focused on your message. The reason I guess you could say is that you got me worked up with one sort of flow and feel then the switch left much to be desired in terms of imagery and story telling. Sadly the Sex scene was the best written part of the peice.

    EV- I've ventured down this path before and I really like the way you took it. You wrote a good story the imagery was quite well depicted and painted a quite vivid mental picture that lends itself well to your storytelling style.

    vote EV
    test
  9. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2008
    Messages:
    699
    This was a very good battle.

    Ace

    I like ur take on this. You're attempt to merge sex/love/lust with religion was pretty interesting, and this line really established the theme of ur verse:

    At first i was confused by all these religious references but it all tied together at the end. And ur flow was alot more fluent this week. Well done duke.


    Extreme Venom

    This was an extremely impressive showing yo! The supernatural elements were done in a very tasteful manner. The POV and the examination of good vs evil was VERY COLORFUL and was given such a fresh makeover. There were many great lines and ideas in this piece:

    That part gave me goosebumps man. There was such a mood with that piece, also...very well done man.


    My vote goes to Extreme Venom for a very fresh and entertaining take on the good vs evil battle and not to mention a bold imagination lol. dope. Ace didn't really have much weakness either, imo, but his opponent really came out swinging this week. well done both of yous.
    test
  10. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,367
    Ace - This was pretty cool, the only thing I didn't like was the transitions. You opened with wild imagery and set a great pace, but after the second pic, things reaaaaalllyy slowed down. I'm still not sure why she left you, what i got from it was you two banged, had great sex, then based a relationship off that, which made it destined for failure. I mean, you could've done a lot more with the concept. You should've been more specific, and portrayed more emotion, fundamentally dope, flow was simplistic but damn nice, story itself could've closed better.

    EV - First of all, GREAT fuckin' closing. The last, I'd say 10 bars, won this match for you. You didn't have near the fundamentals that Ace did, but your scheme was actually more complex in some parts. You didn't even have as good of wording or diction as he did, but the story itself, the concept, the progression, and the conclusion were all fuckin' stellar. I thought this was a great read to be honest, I couldn't get enough of this shit, great story, great conflict, super original, really can't enough good things. As for constuctive criticism, work on your flow, add more syllables your rhymes at the end of your line, and work on diction a little bit. GREAT verse though, I truly enjoyed this shit (and that's sayin' somethin', cuz I usually fuckin' HATE verses that don't have great mechanics).

    Vote - EV...
    test
  11. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    6,893
    Ace - Same complaints as the others pretty much, some really nice writing, just nothing new to offer really at all. The lust/love thing has been done to death, and even the best writing possible has a hard time making up for something that doesn't really hold interest because it's been done over and over.

    EV - Good vs. Evil isn't nothing new, but something about how you wrote it made it feel fresh. I also like the way you described the afterlife as really being more like an in between life where angels hang out in heaven and wait for their time to go back to Earth and fight evil. Really nice concepts in this piece, I enjoyed it.

    Vote = Extreme Venom
    test
  12. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    ace the prophet - i dug it but you never really offered anything new to the reader, like the entire sex scene just felt so rehashed from millions of others and yours drew no line in between, the ending was also lackluster compared to what you could have done, made her a sex slave or killed her and made love to her corpse every night or something other than just the complete switch in scenery, it also read as if you were running out of ideas and started to repeat yourself towards the end, overall this was fairly well written and a pretty good script but as others said it just felt generic in content, as if i had read it before, you could have stepped away with a better ending but as is this just didn't pull it off for me

    extreme venom - i don't think this was too creative either, although the concept that should have drove could have been delivered in a creative manner, here it wasn't, a good/evil story with bad grammar and spelling and a roller coaster flow, overall i wasn't too much feeling this as a whole, thought it had its moments and the ending was decent at best, as a whole it seemed just as rehashed as the above and yet not written nearly as well in my opinion, flow, mechanics and everything else was better in the first verse for me

    vote - ace the prophet
    test
  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    decent match-up guys .. not much splitting this for me ..

    Ace - I enjoyed the read but at the end I was left wanting to know why or exactly how the relationship ended .. it just cut straight to afterwards without giving the reader what I would consider an almost 'compulsary' ingredient to the plot .. the writing was straight though and it had a pretty smooth read to it .. it was good and really could have taken better feedback had that little hole been filled with some fairly vital info for me ..

    Venom - this was pretty cool .. some of the grammar/typos were slightly off-putting but the content held this piece strong .. not a great deal wrong with the flow but it wasn't consistent enough to call it good .. but the writers voice came through well enough to really make the content the shining factor to this piece ..

    Vote = Extreme Venom .. pretty close .. would have been a lot closer if Ace would have just thought a bit more of how to make the transition between the relationship and its end .. but EV had the stronger verse here IMO ..
    test
  14. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2001
    Messages:
    425
    ACE - Although good vocab and multi's made a nice flow, I thought the sex parts of the piece were very corny. I think you were trying to portray the passion and excitement of the beginning of the relationship but I think it could have been much better without the uses of ''squirt'' and ''shaft''. Like somebody else said earlier too - I get the story line - great at first, then it was over - but what made it go wrong would have added a lot.

    EV - I honestly thought this was the best thing I read this week. Very original and I loved this part:
    Good souls, tho our numbers are few
    Choose help the outnumbered Angels, suffering too
    I saw an Angel get torn Limb from Limb..
    Defending a child from Death, against 20, it was Grim for him..
    He fought hard but in the end he failed
    8 Demons survived After he resent 12 to hell
    We go unseen as Good ghost to Demons
    I guess thats God keeping us safe cause other lost souls are eaten

    Very good flow through out. For me, it was the origniality of the piece that made it - Angels/demons/hell/earth - nobody on earth can explain what it is - so to hear your story in a format like that - was great.

    Vote - EV
    test
  15. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    7-2 Venom
    relaxed on voting links ..
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)