[S3W3] .:Pain:. (3-0) vs. nom de plume. (8-4) (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by TheReturn, Jun 30, 2008.

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  1. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    [​IMG]

    Verses Due by Thursday @ 11:59pm EST
    Votes Due by Sunday @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

    Don't forget you must declare "Alternate" to be given an opponent in case of a no-show.


    test
  2. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,365
    Beat: Lil Wayne - Comfortable






    "In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love."
    Diego Marchi

    Everything got pushed to the side,
    And when the light faded, she prayed it wouldn't put out her life,
    She felt wasted, but happy that she was alive,
    But not sure how alive, she was tonight...

    When she looked up at me from the stars,
    The supernova gasses attached consisted of some of her scars,
    I remember when she was so little, and so fickle,
    That she couldn't decide between a flow or a slow trickle,
    I guess it ain't right to joke about these things,
    Lemme slow it down, show you how she doubts her wings...

    Sometimes dad would cry, I was sittin' there too,
    As his backhand hit a bare wound,
    He would, cry his whys with a scream from his voice,
    And blame it on us, like he didn't have a choice,
    If we only, had done the dishes, gave a fuck to vacuum,
    He would hug and kiss us, take us to the back room,
    To be honest, I want his fists instead,
    And my sister felt the same, so the fissure spread,
    He would come home high on crystal meth,
    I would look at the sky, and wish for death,
    He would, try his damndest to find somethin' wrong,
    And if he didn't, he would take his fine son along,
    Up to the room, my little sister in tow,
    As I looked for a flicker, a glow, a little glimmer of hope,
    We would climb in the bed dad had,
    And I would cry when I heard the lens cap snap,
    Julie was stronger, she never showed a tear
    when the eventual was near, she instead would cloak her fears,
    He would dress her in silk, mom's better known brazierres,
    He would press on my will, till I let it go, he peered,
    And when it was over, his son would hide,
    In my haven, I would cry till the sun would rise,
    And that's why we stopped doin' chores, I lost my soul,
    In the room, in my father's show,
    But for her, she had lost mountains of love,
    As she looked up at me with a mouth full of blood...
    [​IMG]

    We've grown up now, she's colder now,
    She sits on the corners in the folds of town,
    Thinkin' that her only worth, is what her father showed,
    So she throws her shirt, for a pot of gold,
    If we only strolled the earth,
    We mighta found another town with a home assurred,
    In a constant sulk, I regret the past,
    And the things I coulda did to reset our path,
    But regardless, her hardships make her detached,
    She sits on the corner half naked, and trapped,
    In her hell, she sits, where she fell, she slipped,
    And she can't get up to be held and kissed,
    Any sort of intimacy lost its shine,
    When she peered through the camera at her father's eyes...
    [​IMG]

    Myself on the otherhand, felt like my wonder-an',
    Dealt me a healthy hell from the summer dance,
    So I put some music behind it,
    Hopin' someone might use it to cry with,
    And vibe with, maybe feel numb to the trident,
    Inside him, cuz you can't run from the violence,
    So every song, is annointed with thunder,
    The choice of another,
    Hopin' that my sister can recognize the vibrant voice of her brother,
    And maybe someday we'll reconnoint with each other,
    Right now, this song's for her, I hope she hears,
    I just wanna cry all night, and hold her near,
    It's another wound,
    I hope that you know I'm not judging you,
    I just want you to live more comfortable,
    And I just want my sister to feel love that's true...
    [​IMG]
    test
  3. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
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    i know it's late.
    but extension?
    test
  4. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2005
    Messages:
    10,365
    It's always cool with me...
    test
  5. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    test
  6. nom de plume.

    nom de plume. rumbrave.

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
    Messages:
    8,233
    She wrote me letters with ring less fingers
    Sunset jingles with moonshine blinkers
    Whose lies flicker on the page she burns
    Sage is burnt in an effort to stage an urn
    With the ashes of heroes

    She sung me songs in a voice I didn’t know
    It didn’t show on my lifespan, she steps pigeon toed
    A vivid clone of blues steeped in lost soul ethics
    She said she was diseased by hostile spirits
    And notes she lost

    She traced a bird on my ribcage in permanent ink
    Her eyes lit when she was burning with drink
    Hurling a stink bomb hate filled drunk note
    She yearned with blood hope, loves slow
    And burns where the foxgloves grow

    She wore blue green eyes with a hint of mascara
    Drew a grimace with the glint of her father
    I was too timid to martyr, she broke me down
    She once told me that hope is sound
    And notes break hearts
    Like leaves

    She left poetry in library books with the fines attached
    She was an angel with these righteous acts
    She was shy, trapped in the arms we leave
    Gun barrel eye painted on her charms and eves
    With bullet wound lust

    She watched me walk bow legged down the plank
    And had my back, my anonymous tank
    Honour was blank in our winter of discontent
    She punched rocks but her fists don’t bend
    And her will won’t break

    She left with peppermint kissed bruises
    On rain drops for sick losers
    Drunk in the gutter with a song on their lips
    For these are the days when the honesty quits
    She left them with stained palms

    She spoke in tired hymns with the tongues of gods
    It won’t be night until the hunger stops
    Thunder drops notes of pity on the lifeless
    She paints grey skies with light quips
    When the sun shone brightest

    She had a deadpan humour with an irony tinge
    To the broke starved masses she’s the siren who sings
    When tyranny rings she closes her eyes to see
    An angel floating closer on a lighter breeze
    With a duct taped halo

    We don’t get along but we see eye to eye
    She’ll greet with open arms when it’s time to die
    But the days stretch seamlessly when we speak
    And she knows that I’m afraid and weak
    And that’s why
    Mother nature wrote me a love song

    [​IMG]
    test
  7. rocket

    rocket New Member

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    booked my mind is in shambles let my Monster work its magic to clear the brambles of thought so i can vote legibly


    wow... definitely battle of the week....

    Pain - such dark broodings from you make the nom de plume fit you.....haha i made a funny... seriously tho this has got to be one of the sickest and saddest peices it has ever been my pleasure to read. most of the meanings were worn right on the sleave with the deeper understanding reserved for those whose comprehension is far and above the rest. A tapestry like this is not easily forgotten, however I endeavour to try.

    Nom - A very poetic peice thats meaning is lost until the final stanza when everything is brought together by your final line. very well written but just a shade below the level of Pain.

    Great battle but vote goes to Pain for just a shade better read than nom
    test
  8. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2006
    Messages:
    480
    Pain - Was great basically. A heartfelt story...captivating. And was well written too dude. Full of emotion. "I guess it ain't right to joke about these things...lemme slow it down, show you how she doubts her wings"..thought it was a good way to introduce the pain of the story.

    nom de plume - I thought the flow was ok in places, but seemed a bit shaky...i liked the verse: "She wore blue green eyes with a hint of mascara" through to "...and notes break hearts like leaves" I particularly enjoyed the metaphorical stance of your piece.

    v - Pain
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  9. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2008
    Messages:
    699
    Pain

    Cool story here. Unlike many i've read this week, this one had a legit and practical motive behind it to go along with the strong execution. Your character developments were top-notch and the plot was well created.

    ^^^ It was dope how you gave us a glimpse to her innocent younger days before throwing us into the darker tone of the story. Nice use of contrast. You aimed for an emotional story and you succeeded. nicely done.


    Nom

    I love the poetic merit of this verse. And it was written so elegantly. Even though, like one voter pointed out, you didn't reveal the exposition until the last stanza, i love the colorful imagery and allusions implemented. It gave the piece a very easy and interesting read.

    Man, this is one hard battle to vote on. Both were written very well with little to no bump in the flow department. Both had great imageries and man memorable lines. But overall...i'm gonna go against the grain and vote Nom de plume. His piece just has this easy grace about it. It reminds me of writings of classic times. Actually it reminded me alot of Nathaniel Hawthorne. He utilized many good writing techniques, not just text but mainstream literary techniques. Pain had a more conventional method to story telling and it hit many chords with the readers. this would be a tie if allowed and definitely a match of the week contender if not THE MATCH OF THE WEEK. Excellent showing bof of yous and thanx for the great read.
    test
  10. Mic-illaH

    Mic-illaH aka paisano

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2001
    Messages:
    425
    Pain - I liked this piece. story was told well and i the pictures were incorporated well into the story. But in regards to the quote you used...I see the unspeakable secret and irreversable regret...but I dont see the unreachable dream and unforgettable love....but at any rate...it was very well told, and I enjoyed it.

    Nom...Like others said, you don't really find out till the end - but that ties it all together. Very poetic piece and nice imagery. To be honest, some parts lost me - it coule perhaps me just being stupid. But overall I enjoyed it.

    Vote - Pain...
    I really enjoyed the story and it was a very easy read. Thought he did a very good job with the pictures incorporated into the verse and most of the quote.
    test
  11. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Pain - I read this verse and I fell in love with it...I had a little flash back to the butterfly effect, but the most touching part about this whole piece was how relatable you made the characters that the reader felt the sincerity in your writers voice.

    Nom - I dunno...I appreciate the change of pace with your poetic style, but your writing lacked your strength in mechanics and your strong rhyme scheme to carry it through and the read dragged for me, only to end in a conclusion that granted I didn't see...but it wasn't something that made me go "oh wow"...it was just like..."ok that makes sense".

    vote = Pain.

    The better verse.
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  12. sfsportsfan

    sfsportsfan New Member

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    wow.. nice battle

    pain- i liked how you had a few different stories in there. you had the brother/sister thing going, then you branched it out so you had them as adults and the daughters fucked up. your verse was also way deeper. nice verse.

    nom: i liked this verse, but i dont think the story was as good as pains. the rhymes were dope. the ending was kinda boring, not trying to be a dick. i think it was the topic you chose that really let you down. you picked a tough one.

    vote-pain
    test
  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    back n forth with my vote here ..

    I feel like I enjoyed reading nom's verse more because I like the way he writes his pieces .. but there is the fact that I didn't dislike Pain's verse .. I actually found his content and story quite enjoyable but I wasn't really a fan of the writing of this verse .. the difference in the content is weighted slightly in Pain's favour for me .. but I don't feel Pain brought his piece to life as well as could have been done .. the hiphop mechanics are certainly in Pain's half of the court .. but there's still a lot to be said about how enjoyable it is to read poetics .. and nom is one of the better writers in the league to craft poetic wording and verses .. I do think that can substract from how votes are cast as the mechanics and flow are quite different and thus appeal to differing audiences (much like Topical vs Story) ..

    all making it a hard one to vote for me .. as I really do have good reason to vote both ways .. but I think I'm going to settle on upsetting a fellow Rumba Raver and voting for Pain .. the reason being a combination of what I've said about mechanics and content .. as I think they made for a well rounded verse .. whereas with nom .. I enjoyed the read and some of the lines were real nice .. but the concept wasn't so brilliant for me .. far from underwhelmed but I was more interested in the words than their meaning (if you get me?) .. the wrong level of engagement to get the vote I'm affraid ..

    Vote = Pain ..
    test
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