[S3:WK1] Cereal_Killer 8-3 vs Ace The Prophet 0-0 (VOTE NOW!)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Lucifa, Jun 16, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    [​IMG]

    Verses are due before Thursday 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

    All competitors MUST vote on the [Semi-Final] battles or face vote deductions.

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  2. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

    Joined:
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    Your alarm rings out to wake you up. You've been awake for hours anyway. Why?

    Ring-Ring Goes the Alarm

    The alarm buzzes as I’m rinsing off in the faucet
    6:30 in the morning and already I’ve lost it
    Another sleepless night where I’ve been in the cockpit
    Of the fighter jet I fly when decisions are costly
    I’m not exactly proud of these badges of war
    That I obtain from insane and immaculate gore
    I stay scar-less though from the mask that I wore
    Which I am anonymous, famous, and spectacular for


    An unknown face to the best known veteran
    Whose relation to his kin was never more irrelevant
    Than in recent weeks where nothing seemed more heaven-sent
    Than the opportunity to relinquish his every sin
    By committing another under the faith of no god
    My circle’s becoming square, man, this shape is so odd
    It’s leaving my head pounding, nothing’s more astounding
    Than how blood is thicker than water unless you’re drowning


    It’s not my normal method but I know the procedure
    I even duct-taped his mouth and choked him for leisure
    Tied his feet together, told him “Nobody needs ya
    And the water’s fucking cold, you better hope it’ll freeze ya!”
    Poured a bucket of it on him, just a bit of a teaser
    Punched him in his face and smoked a cig for a breather


    He started to squirm around and mumble somethin’ senseless
    Told him “Why even try to struggle? You’re defenseless
    Not to mention the cement that’s on your feet
    Is there to ensure that you’ll sink to the bottom of the creek
    So what’s all this fussing for? You’ll die within the hour
    So just try to escape, I SAID TRY YOU FUCKIN’ COWARD!”


    He took a deep breath and roared with all his might
    But the duct tape concealed his pain throughout the night
    As the ropes around his wrists held back his vengeful fists
    And the blocks tied to his shoes made him wish he never lived
    He took a final sigh as I saw him shed a tear
    It was obvious for him to comprehend the end was near
    As he lay limp in the middle of the boat
    Not an ounce of life left, it would kill him just to know
    Who was the mastermind behind the mask of his pain
    Even denied a request as he asked me my name
    But I respected that he was willing to ask
    So I stayed silent as I could as I lifted the mask
    And he looked at his brother as if I was something from Hell
    I just gave him a look like there was nothing to tell
    At that very moment he tried to fuck with my health
    And damn near tipped the boat as he jumped out himself


    A revelation occurred at this moment in time
    Those without fam live the loneliest lives
    And I’ve been segregated for way too long to tell
    So I tossed away the mask so that it could drown as well
    And I could forget about nights when I was bringing the harm
    Into mornings of mourning where ring-ring goes the alarm
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  3. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

    Joined:
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    The Trojan Snare
    ..

    Her shelled life is perched between self worth and self shame
    Purging on a pedestal, immersed in the thirst from hells flames
    First abandonment struck as she dusts off Pandora’s Box
    A make-up case of deception to retrace a face her aura rots
    A charcoal sign with charcoal lines wrapped around faithful eyes
    A partial vice or disguise to highlight a fiends aim for angel white
    The glow inside - From the birth of pride
    Lies a lie of hurt and crime


    .. What she see’s in the mirror ..
    Comes out to play


    [​IMG]

    Coke in rolls of dollar bills mixed with broken Safire pills
    She checks her nose, rose in tone.. jonesed with higher heels
    She pursues like a brush fire through the Briar for the bar is her muse
    Perspiring in Prada attire she moves so smooth in designer perfume
    Consumed in the music, her European flesh drips with neon sweat
    Seduced by the groove in the mood for sex, influenced by X
    Depicted as a bitch who’s vex from a man outside stressin
    Lips moist she explores the dance floor with her new weapon
    Of choice - dedication disguised as desperation beneath porcelain skin
    With a tattoo on her spine inviting the reach of the coarsest of kings
    With four horsemen around her the queen of hearts sings
    To the high heavens a simulated orgy scene of drug fiends
    In the lime light she is aware of the attention she brings
    As the man from outside pulls her aside and buys her a drink
    “Enough foolen around Pan you’ve turned yourself into a dirty bitch”
    She hits him with a kiss, he stands stunned.. spun from her perky lips
    She drags him off with assertiveness straight into the coat room
    Soft strokes through panting breaths once the chance broke through
    For advancement.. she drops his pants and removes a Trojan
    Groping his penis she opens her mouth for deep throatin’
    With condom in it, she finishes humming then jumps at insertion
    She nurses his ego, conversing with a devils tongue in perversion
    He cums, she removes the latex and chucks it inside her bag
    She kisses him on the cheek and tells her ex he’s been had
    A mark for a shark in a fulfilled pool of revenge
    In a vice to fuse a future with a criminal intent
    This full proof germinal defense has been flipped with brute pride
    As unity brings happiness like the rains bring new life
    ..
    [​IMG]
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  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    top side ..
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  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    oh boy .. nice battle .. close as hell ..

    Ace - nice storytelling piece .. it was clear and concise in the wording and kept together with a decent flow that made the read more enjoyable .. the only bit that stumbled my read was "leisure" as in my accent that's pronounced 'lez-ure' not 'leez-ure' and so didn't rhyme until I adjusted .. but other than that there is nothing of negative note to point out for me .. enjoyed the piece ..

    Cereal - from recent memory I think this is possibly one of the better written pieces I've seen from you .. I liked some of the descriptive work (although the odd bit seemed forced) and the flow wasn't too choppy as to ruin the read .. the story was told pretty well but what I don't quite get is the ending .. why did she take a condom full of his jizz? .. what exactly is the revenge? .. what is the criminal intent? .. like I say .. I really did enjoy the read but it left me with questions needing answering to fully understand why the story was told and where it lead ..

    Vote = hmmm .. ok .. vote = Ace The Prophet .. very close and I almost want to vote for C_K as I enjoyed his writing style more here .. but the holes for me throw a vote for him in to question as I'm just not fully sure why the ending was what is was .. whereas Ace's verse was clear to understand (although a motive would have been good) and just wrapped it with a fully completed storyline .. simple but worked > advanced but questionable ..
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  6. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

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    Cereal Killer, I really love this piece man. The metaphors were crazy in that first stanza. I especially love these lines:

    It really established and forshadowed the chaos ahead. Ultimately, this was a tale of revenge, though her method of "payback" was a bit unorthodox hehe. The flow was spot on, i didn't detect a single glitch. Very well done duke!



    My dude Ace, waddup pawtna...

    That was an ill drop duke. Imageries and concept were spot on. On top of it all, it was a pretty solid story. However, the slight problem i found with this piece were the wordings. Like it sound very...i guess basic? Maybe it's cause i'm used to the intricate rhyme scheme of the RSTL but if it's one thing that CK got over you, it was lyrical prowess. Not to say that ur piece wasn't dope, cause it was. The exposition was very well put:

    This was very hard to choose personally cause Ace's my boy, but i gotta give this to CK. His piece was, i thought, very well executed. There wasn't a clear reason of "Why" to his story but that bit of mystery definitely played to the chaotic tone of the piece. Ace is definitely going to ruin somebody's parade in the VERY near future, but this round goes to CK.

    Vote=Cereal Killer
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  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    ATP - I think everything that goes into a really good gore/killer piece was missed here...and well I am very particular with these kinds of pieces as they are very much a part of my reputation and probably my best genre...the whole fact that it's his brother revealed by the mask, that's arite and all, but why is he killing his brother...what's the significance of the alarm...you can't just go around killing off people...you need motive...you need to develop a background story...to me this was just a bunch of rhyming about random events that really don't stick together well enough to build a piece where one brother kills another by putting his feet in cement and preparing to plunge him in a lake/river/body of water...and then the other brother plunges himself...how does he manage that with concrete around his feet...things just didn't connect here and the language could have been a lot better...I unno...I'm probably coming off a lot more harsh than I should be, but I feel that you could definitely develop into a good writer as there's definitely something to your creativity, but this was a big flop for me.

    CK - the imagery in this piece was easily what really carried it for me and sealed the deal...everything fit together and I saw the whole scene unfolding, it was short...sweet...and to the point, also I thought the flow was really smooth even for a longer bar piece and it carried so well from image to image...you really didn't sacrifice anything, plus I love your word choice especially in those first 6 bars...it really set the tone for the piece.

    I think this was a case where ATP just met a much more polished and far more developed writer in CK who brought to the table better mechanics, better vocab, better word usage, much stronger imagery, and unfolded an all together more enjoyable read.

    vote = CK.
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  8. Cereal_Killer

    Cereal_Killer no ESCAPE

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  9. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    Ace - Real fuckin dope. Your verse had a simplistic flow, but jesus that shit was smooth as silk. I only hit one bump flow wise, and it wasn't a big one. Scheme wise it was the same, simplistic, yet still expertly done. I do wish you would've incorporated more multi's though. The story itself was pretty straitforward, just a fiction story with a dope twist, but the feelings you projected and the ending were really dope. Didn't see the twist coming, and I thought that the whole brother killing his brother and then killing himself thing was a dope concept. P.S. That blood is thicker than water line was one of the dopest I've read in a good long time.

    CK - That shit is fucked up, lol. The imagery was incredibly vivid for the most part, and honestly the imagery was what kept me reading. Your mechanics jumped, sometimes dope, other times not so dope, but the imagery never moved, it stayed great. I really can't say enough about how dope your imagery was and how much it carried me through your piece. The concept didn't hurt either, I really liked the plot line, and esp. the ending, which was incredibly fucked up by my estimation. Real dope verse though CK, real dope.

    Vote - CK, but by a baby's ball hair, great battle you two...
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  10. TheReturn

    TheReturn Life of the Party

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    Ace - Alright man, you can rhyme no doubt. But you have to work on the storytelling. It's like you started out with the alarm, and then all the sudden jumped to a boat with a guy tied up, which is okay as long as you go back and explain later or something, but that never happened here. Key point left out is why is this happening? Developing the characters more would help this piece a ton, give us some background. We have good imaginations if you just lead us, we can make enough info to satisfy ourselves, but you gotta get us underway, you know? Tie into the topic could have been done better as well, the alarm clock thing really didn't have much of a point in my opinion.

    CK - I love your story ideas, and the creativity you tend to display, not so much in the plot itself but how you portray things, such as the makeup being Pandora's box and when she opens it to put it on you just know something bad is going to happen. Excellent. I felt like most of the lines were stretched to force some inners in, and it felt like there was alot of space between end rhymes though, but that's just a personal preference to shorter lines. Nice piece though.

    Vote = CK for a fuller, more complete verse that didn't leave me with any questions.
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  11. Ace the Prophet

    Ace the Prophet A Prophet to the Game

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  12. Pharaohe Def

    Pharaohe Def Take a Swing

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    Ace - good story... i thought your flow was kinda off at some points. liked the blood/thicker than water line... but i thought your story kinda missed. i loved this series of lines:

    "revelation occurred at this moment in time
    Those without fam live the loneliest lives"

    done very nicely.

    cereal killer - story was very well done. loved the pandora box / make up metaphor. flow was superb.

    what it came down to me is i feel that CK told a better story and i enjoyed his flow more. both verses were good. but the better use of vocab and imagery won him the battle over Ace.

    vote - CK
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  13. nah son

    nah son the hundredaire

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    ace good shit on the story tone, tighten up that rhyme scheme so its plush every line if u can .. u dont want too many syllables mismatched nearin the end duke. anyway i liked this joint it was smooth, and the first i read from u so i was kina delighted that the new gen might have a shot. pz.

    ck this shit is kinna hot son.. ya metaphors are very nicely thought out, u remind me of myself with those metys lol .. anyway rhyme scheme was ight and the mechanics were cool, but what brought this together was a well told story.. kudos to you

    vote - ck
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  14. Extreme Venom

    Extreme Venom Well-Known Member

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    Very Strange stories where as I was a bit lost on both till the last but in the end I made sense of the chick bing a whore cause most bithes are lmao... nah But i was feeling the second story moreso in the light that it acctually told a story of torment 7 revenge.. the first one I was wondering why the guy was getting killed.. the vocab was banging on both tho somthing I need to up myself but in the end the whore won it for a more interesting and grimy tale imo.. Good shit @ both emcees

    Vote= CK

    Fav line= "Seduced by the groove in the mood for sex, influenced by X"
    ^^^ Deep...
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  15. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    ace the prophet - i wasn't really feeling this, i think ive read it twice now but wasn't quite ready to vote yet, overall the flow was decent but even the rhythm here is overrated in my opinion, plus i didnt really care for the story, all in all i did dig it somewhat though, i mean dont get me wrong the rhyme scheme was nice in parts, somewhat stretched throughout but some interesting rhymes, also the story itself was delivered fairly well, but i just wasn't really feeling it, neither was i feeling the presentation of it with the bold and colors and whatnot, overall i think you have a good grasp on writing but need to brush up on the mechanics and delivering better stories in order to win more votes, good start though nonetheless

    cereal_killer - slightly confusing in ending but i enjoyed the rhythm for the most part that was constant even with the flow was slightly off, the beginning was dope and then slightly faltered but picked up and led to a somewhat confusing ending in which i think ive grasped but would love for you to explain further in a private message, overall it was just a more mature/advanced verse with good rhymes and a better and more creative story

    so, vote - the real CK
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  16. vada

    vada New Member

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    ace....

    well this was about as cliched as it gets....so the verse starts with direction and then when you reveal it's your brother i felt it to be very random and predictible hell you could of said it was your dentist and it would've had the same effect then you went into some sort of romeo and juliet theme beetween brothers to just another dream verse, the rhyme scheme was ok but the verbage was elementry, i've never reads a verse from you but i see potential with some updates to your rhyme scheme and just longevity with the leage

    CK...

    i liked this the way you wrote it made the read easy and fluent, i liked your mechanincs and saw a little alliteration in there as well...as for the story not the most creative thing in the world but a good take on your pictures....then end wasn't great but satisfying, nice work, not a lot more to say

    overall......


    vote CK...pretty easy choice IMO....ace has potential, but CK just outclassed him, just a better overall verse
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  17. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    ck wins, 9-1 in votes
    ck fails to post 1 link
    ck still wins, 8-1 in votes
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