[S2FINALE] *(VOTE NOW!)* Eye-Rime v. Got Life? *(VOTE NOW!)*

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Quriosity, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    [​IMG]

    Votes Due by Sunday July 28th @ 11:59pm EST

    It is highly recommended that you read and understand all the rules and regulations.

    Click Here For Rules

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  2. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Just to clarify ..

    Open Choice Topic
    100 Lines Limit
    No More Than 3 Pics Can Be Used

    g'luck ..
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  3. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Q, let me know ahead of time if you need the extra day.

    I won't have a problem granting you it.

    wooh.

    lol...

    no way is torr's vote standing.
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  4. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Piano Man

    "Piano Man"

    [​IMG]

    James was born to entertain the masses,
    His musical gusto and brain surpasses,
    That of any man who had lived before,
    Each melody would take flight and soar,
    Despite the war, he’d give life to-
    Infant, soldier, or whore,
    All he cared for was an appreciation,
    For his soulful dedication-
    That led to a woeful quest of perfection,
    But the best never need mention-
    Sacrifice, their passion’s price,
    Giving up more as they roll the dice,
    Especially for such a craft as music,
    Just think…
    In simply one bat or one blink-
    Of the eye; how many do lose it,
    But to James there was no mystery,
    To the misery; he’d studied his history,
    And so he knew he had to pay his dues-
    Eventually lying dead on the daily news.

    You see…
    He sold more than a soul to the devil,
    Letting the devil control and level-
    The playing field whenever he wanted,
    In truth, it made James undaunted,
    For what is there to lose if all is hollow,
    Sure…the theory is hard to swallow,
    But love makes us do crazy things,
    It makes us reach for the rings-
    That were long fixated in astral planes,
    So we blast cocaine trains through veins,
    An express locomotive;
    No grabbing the reigns,
    Life…and passionate refrains,
    To him, it was the stroke of each key,
    He lived for every note of each symphony,
    Each one more vital than the prior,
    Music was his life; to him it was dire-
    Steadily reaching higher and higher,
    Always one step ahead of the fire.

    He’s chained and transfixed in place,
    As his face watches his fingers embrace,
    Each ebony and ivory note,
    Any mistake, he’s grabbing his throat,
    Making sure the pain and scars remain,
    For each mistake is his utter bane,
    A vicious self-infliction,
    That shakes his speech and diction,
    Though tonight he can’t steady his mind,
    The tremulous torture of his endless grind,
    Is all at the mercy of a girl and her legs,
    Giggling and panting, she simply begs,
    That he give her just one night,
    Where they’ll let pleasures take flight,
    And for once he was transfixed,
    Indeed, his thoughts were mixed…
    But as he stood to rise from his captor,
    So too did close the final chapter.

    As piece by piece he'd chip away,
    A lifeline broken, unfolding a storybook cliche,
    For once he stopped to stroke the keys,
    His life would flee him, hopelessly...
    As he would turn to dust and ash,
    Within what seems like an instant flash,
    James could have played his music forever,
    Outlasted every storm, every terror,
    But his own human greed would never,
    Let him bask in his task forever,
    Instead the world was robbed of a master,
    As temptations pushed harder and faster,
    And so the sacrificed was clear as day,
    Remember James for his music...
    He would have wished it that way.

    [​IMG]
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  7. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

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    sorry to disappoint.

    [​IMG]

    "The Window"



    She stood,
    Trembling,
    Waving goodbye,


    ~

    A faint buzz, as a fly panics to exit,
    Showing the signs of manic depression,
    Nervously gripping the scissors, shaking,
    Eyes staring into the mirror, waiting,
    Forgetting the once life that she knew,
    And different things a wife shouldn’t do,
    Her dirty blonde curls fell to the sink,
    Leaving a buzz that compels her to blink,
    On the brink of change, fleeing her inner,
    Forgetting it all, but demons remember,
    Dyeing her hair, and clipping her nails,
    Fully clothed, until stripping prevails,
    Sickened and pale, soul yearning to sigh,
    Jealous of every single bird that flew by,
    Dispelling God, and any murmur of lies,
    Plus any voice she ever heard in the sky,
    Dry, cos crying only furthered demise,
    Covered in scars not even surgery hides,
    So she turns to her side, asking for help,
    Hoping to learn that satisfaction is felt,
    The crisp air slowly impacting her health,
    Feeling it down the back of her dress,
    And knowing there’s no adapting to stress,
    After she's beaten ‘til no passion is left,
    A present result of the past that she kept,
    Her mind enduring every facet of death,

    Was thought to be fine, or even divine,
    So heavenly, she turned his semen to wine,
    A new love, filled with beautiful passion,
    And he cared for her in a suitable fashion,
    Holding hands through walks in the park,
    And staying up late to talk in the dark,
    They sparked, and attractions were laced,
    A fit, until she’s smacked in the face,
    Beaten and bruised, with fists to her back,
    A cruel intent, pouring hot grits on her lap,
    A finishing crack, as she covers her face,
    Ashamed, her life's an utter disgrace,
    From constantly getting hit by the pot,
    Feeling bones that split from the shots,
    Sitting in shock, uncontrollably shaking,
    Wondering if she’s supposed to be aching,
    Her Jason.. the once love of her life,
    Was now only the husband of strife,
    Nudging his wife, from buddy to black,
    Now he treats his woman like a puppy or cat,
    But she never leaves, content with the dread,
    Staying strong, though her ligaments bled,
    A dent in the head was his typical mess,
    Constantly kicking at the dip of her breast,
    Minutes from death, her skin decomposing,
    And to think,
    It all started cos his dinner was frozen,

    Traveled from shelter to shelter, but time,
    Would pass, and then alas he would find,
    Peaking through blinds, tracing her frame,
    Obsessed with her pain, the face of insane,
    Though he claimed that he loved her so,
    Yea.. 6 shelters, 9 ICU’s, and a home ago,
    But she knows now that it never ends,
    Picturing life surrounded by better men,
    That never sin.. purple skies in December,
    Her eyes now resembled that of an ember,
    That glittered with joy, as pigs flew,
    In a dreamy world with bikinis in igloos,
    And the sun's a yellow balloon with a string,
    And people were gay without doing a thing,
    But for now, the same fly lands on her nose,
    Yet she doesn’t flinch or scramble her toes,
    Completely void of the planet she knows,
    Standing exposed as she bandaged her soul,
    Abandoned the old, for a new disguise,
    Ecstatic, face exhibits the hugest eyes,
    Leaving her bags and the rest behind,
    Hoping to recover from the stress, in time,
    But before leaving, she opens the blinds,
    To release the fly, no longer confined,
    And yet,
    As the window cracks and the fly escapes,
    It shatters her chest and denies her fate,
    And his eyes connect with empty sockets,
    Confessing his love as he empties pockets,
    Of pictures and other stuff that he kept,
    While tucking the pistol under his vest,
    Her golden flesh now cold and vacant,
    Admiring the cadaver of his chosen patient,
    But before leaving it all in the dirt,
    He swatted a pesky fly and watched it fall to the earth,

    ~

    While she died,
    In that pile of glass,
    Unable to fly,




    The end.
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  8. .:Pain:.

    .:Pain:. Futurely J. Keeper

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    GL? - Sacrifice, their passion’s price,
    Giving up more as they roll the dice,
    ^That line pissed me off, lol, you could've put cast instead of roll and it woulda helped so much.
    Aside from that, your rhyme scheme was actually pretty fuckin' complex this week. Flow was real good too, off in some points, but great in others. The story itself was dope obsession piece, I really liked it, and I think it's something every musician can relate to. I wish you developed this thing with the girl a little more though, that part of the story was fairly dry, and it didn't really pick back up until the end. Conclusion was great, but I think the conflict could've used some work.

    Q - This was dope, it had a real nice pace to it. The flow was pretty much smooth, though there were a couple bumps in the road, this was a very smooth read though, I flew through your verse. Your rhyme scheme came and went, and your emotion was projected very well, and when you make a verse about abuse, you should try to include as much emotion as possible. You did, however, make up for this by the vivid portrayal accomplised by your use of imagery. You really projected the scene onto me, and I really liked it. As for the ending, it wasn't that great, I saw it coming from a mile away. The fly thing was great though, sort of a microcosm for the rest of the story, I really dug that. In the end though, your verse was dope, but it just didn't carry enough weight.

    Vote - Got Life?
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  9. Chin Kwon

    Chin Kwon The Angkorian

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    these are pretty good for a couple "rushed verse" haha.

    Quriosity

    The thing that struck me most about this verse were the descriptions. They were written with much elegance and grace. Also I like the irony implemented at the end; giving it a solid poetic touch and a nice ending. However my favorite thing about this verse was how u actually took a step back and actually try to examined the abusive husband, despite the central character being the abused wife. It was pretty cool and i would've liked a deeper investigation into his psyche but regardless it was dope. The only problem i saw was that it was a little too long. I thought it could've been shortened a bit, but solid verse nonetheless.


    Got Life?

    The flow was as strong as Q but this examination of martyrdom was CRAZY!! I love how you said dude "studied his history", because that moment really described this guy's strong obsession with music and recognition. The content was very fresh and the way you gave little commentaries on the character's personal philosphy gave him so much depth. This piece actually made me think whether muscian who died young actually abide subconsciously because they feel it's a natural "next step" or path. Not sure how much time u put into this but i really enjoyed the nature of it.


    This was kinda hard to vote because Q killed it with his eloquence but GL really touched on something here. So i'll judge it based on pure enjoyment...with that said, i'm going to vote Go tLife?. Though this could SERIOUSLY go either way.
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  10. Pharaohe Def

    Pharaohe Def Take a Swing

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    Got Life
    Very dope verse.. loved the imagery. topic was nice. only problem i saw with your verse was the fact that the story with the girl was introduced but never given much attention in your verse.

    Quriosity
    Loved the flow in your verse, i didn't think it was off at any point through out.. imagery was good.. loved the story. loved the metaphor with the husband/wife & the fly at the end.

    i just enjoyed q's verse more... no other reason for this vote other than that. both verses were equally amazing.

    vote - quriosity
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  11. rocket

    rocket New Member

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    GL- As always the imagery and flow carried your piece which was sharpened even further by the fact that your mechanics were grade A. The story was solid till the end which left a little to be desired as it wasnt nearly impressive as you were building to.

    Q - No offense but i had trouble staying focused on your story, the flow, mechanics and basic rhyming were on par with GL but the story lacked that certain something until the end which was the strongest point in your piece.

    Vote- GL for a just slightly stronger piece.
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  12. MC Guttso

    MC Guttso Fingers in Pies

    Joined:
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    Both were amazingly creative. It's a tough decision, coz both had their strong points for different reasons.

    GL - I thought your piece was an easier read, more fast-flowing and great descriptiveness to reflect this guys passion, "making sure the pain and scars remain", this dude was hard on himself weren't he? Reckon your piece gives the reader a chance to make assumptions about what happened to this dude, did he commit suicide, misses kill him, or drugs? What?? Why??...thought-provoking is good.

    Q - I thought your piece was equally good. A bit more harder to read, but that's what I enjoyed about it. I read it 3 times and each time got something different out of it. It felt more like reading a metaphorical stricken artistic piece of poetry - which is a good way to define quality rap anyway. My favourite line was: "..eyes connect with empty sockets, confesses his love as he empties his pockets..." - some wife abusers aren't bothered about love, just the power they can create over someone...it's all about throwing violence and materialistic possessions in some cases, rather than real passion and comfort. This piece got me thinking a lot too.

    vote - Quriosity - I enjoyed the particular complexity of it.
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  13. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    before I start .. I've upped the close date to the same as this weeks matches .. see if we can't squeeze more votes in here .. sorry about my lateness to this .. busy week so far ..

    nice battle though ..

    GL? - I liked this .. but I have a real nagging feeling I've read this plot before since joining the rstl .. don't think it was by you but I'm pretty sure someone wrote a piece very similar to this .. anyways .. this flowed quite well even though the mechanics and vocab weren't really up to your higher end writing .. certain approaches to how you told this were good as we got some insight in to the guys mind and passion to his art .. an enjoyable read that just lacked a bit of spit and polish ..

    Q - I really enjoyed this piece .. considering your push for time I think you pretty much nailed what you wanted to do with the concept .. I really liked the use of the fly in the story and how it related to the piece's plot .. it was done well and didn't just feel like something thrown in for bulk .. it worked .. and worked well .. the flow was steady but the scheme was a bit a muddle .. that's my only 'fault' with this piece .. and tbh .. it never threw the flow out of sync so it's only a minor fault in the crit .. nice work ..

    Vote = Quriosity .. a pretty well balanced match-up .. but I think Q had the more clever concept to make what was a pretty standard plot a lot more interesting to read .. both verses flowed well and entertained me as the reader to almost equal amount .. but Q just tipped the scale in his favour for me ..
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  14. Dougie G

    Dougie G New Member

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    Ok well honestly I wasnt gonna vote on this because I thought since I havent actually returned back to the league yet that maybe I couldnt vote, and maybe I cant but if I cant you guys will just delete it.

    But I mean right now the votes in this one is tied, and I love the RSTL, so to see a winner of this is a big deal to me. Well here's my vote

    GOT LIFE???

    Like always good shit man, Nice Piece, It felt as thought the piece was dripping with emotion, and I love the way you used the pics. The rhyme scheme was there but very complex, at some points it was hard for me as a readfer to keep up with. All in All very good piece.

    Q
    I've always been a fan of your work, I just never told anyone, and once again you brought that good shit. The Flow and rhyme scheme was flawless, it was like every piece of the puxzzle fit together perfectly. That beibng the reason it took me longer to finish Got Life's verse, but at the end of yours, i walked away more entertained.

    Vote: Q
    Great mAtch guys
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  15. BaySick

    BaySick ill.

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    ok i see yall still doin it, nice ass verses gentlemen i shoulda been a champ but ya never quite got the votes, but i just thought id drop some pennys good shit boys...stay up bonkerz
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  16. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
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    Got Life?

    one qualm i had with this piece was that it dragged a little - essentially the same thing is repeated throughout the first 2 sections: this man's passion for music, while i'm a fan of people making emotions distinct and clear beyond any doubt by describing them from all types of different angles, this piece (imo) started to lose a little momentum and impact.. there were a few instances where i thought you would kick off a more serious rhyme scheme only for it to end in a mono-syllabic rhyme.. those are fine but i'm left with the feeling that you could've easily upped the flow and mechanics of this piece another notch without compromising the integrity of the content.. now this breakdown is starting to go negative nancy but i'll finish on the positive tip: this piece was felt (no homo) and was a very visually distinct biography of a man and his passion for music, a case of the final product being worth more than the sum of the components

    Quriosity

    you cleary "out-flowed" your opponent, at least in that first section as the mechanics were very polished and lent a fluidity to the development and pace of this piece.. however, for too long i thought you repeated the same stuff basically and treaded water and this story and topic, although very loaded emotionally, felt a bit tired to me (the ever victim).. you have this poetic quality to your lines that spawns alot of imagery in the reader's mind (at least this reader's mind), especially in the second part of this piece... now that i think of it both your piece and got life?'s could've probably been executed within the confines of a substantially smaller amount of lines, but it was even more evident in this piece imo

    vote: Got Life?

    i think he conveyed an atmosphere better, his piece was the more concise and well-executed in this match up (as i see it)
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  17. Scatterboxx

    Scatterboxx a.k.a. infinite truth.

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    kinda disappointed, fellas...


    anywho.
    here.

    gl... your piece was surprisingly well written. usually i find your liguistics elementary. &, in some instances & aspects, they were. for the most part, your imagery was incredible. thus, while they could have been worded better, the picture was very vivid & the sacrifice made there was actually a good one. the multis were weak, as usual. even tho you came with em in the battle against me cuz you know i would have merked you with those alone, fagGOT! anywho... your mechanics were on point otherwise. flow was tighter than q's. definitely faster. & for that reason, more complex linguistics would have just made that sloppy & sound rushed. so kudos there. as for the story... different. i personally loved it. because i can relate. this is the first piece i've ever actually related to by you. as a musician & drug addict myself, i could feel the emotion brought thru that dope imagery you had. excellent story & a suitable ending, regardless of how cliche it was.

    q... good piece. by far not one of your best. the mechanics were a bit sloppy. you're top 3 mechanics-wise in the league, & it was a little off this week. gl def got you there. obviously you had the multis. but i often felt the wording - & even certain instances in the story - were based around merely your rhyme scheme. that definitely weakened the status of your piece. story was okay. perhaps more creative than gl's. but gl's emotion killed it & hook killed it. other than your multis, gl got you in like every department. your linguistics, actually, too. definitely ain't elementary. your imagery & shit. it's always good. decent verse. not nearly as dope as usual.

    the emotion in gl's imagery is the selling factor in my vote.
    while q's was perhaps more original, gl told a story i could nearly completely relate to personally. & that sold me.


    vote- gl.
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  18. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

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    am i allowed to vote on this?

    yes.
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  19. TorrMup

    TorrMup New Member

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    I gotta make it quick cuz time isnt on my side...I like both of your ability to paint a mental image....only advice I could give is........RAP NIGGAS!!!! its too poetic for my liking. but like I said your way to express imagary is great. but all in all Q kept me wanting to read more...

    VOTE = Q
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