S.E. - Round 2: 13. Disused Hero -vs- 5. Pent Up

Discussion in 'RSTL Grudge Matches and Tournaments' started by DiC GeTs GuLLy, Jan 31, 2007.

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  1. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    RSTL RULES AND REGULATIONS

    RULES AND REGULATIONS - THERE'S SOME NEW SHIT SO CLICK AND READ


    The Standard League Rules will still be Enforced



    • Check-in (Posting in your match to show that you are aware the match exists) is encouraged but not required.
    • Verses must incorporate at least one of the provided topics and must be at least 16 lines and must not exceed 64 lines.
    • Anyone who does not post at least 4 rap lines, incorporating at least one of the provided topics, is considered a no-show.
    • During check-in, you can ask your opponent to agree to a line limit (Minimum 16) and if your opponent agrees, Moderators will hold both participants to that limit.
    • Posting between 4-15 lines is considered a “show” but will not result in a match. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent posts between 16-64, you will lose the match but you will remain in the league. If you post 4-15 lines, and your opponent does not show, you will “Win by no-show”.

    Voting:
    • If you do not show you can’t vote in any matches. .
    • No bias votes! If you have a personal investment in wanting someone to lose, whether because that member voted against you once, or you just don’t like that person, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match. If have a personal investment in wanting someone to win, whether because they’re crew member, or because you want to face that person in the next week’s brackets, whatever the reason, do not vote in the match.
    • ”Bias” must be confirmed by a Moderator.
    • 3-ways are inevitable. In order to provide a tie-breaker in a 3-way, you are now required to indicate in what order the contestants finished (1st, 2nd, 3rd).
      anyone who does not show or vote is suspended one week and must sign-in again to be inserted the following week.



    Topics: http://board.rapmusic.com/showthread.php?t=1032063




    From now on if you don't vote in the tournament and win your match, you will be deducted a vote from your next match for every vote didn't give the previous week. If you show late and your partner allows the extension as long as it’s less than a day late, it can count, but you will be deducted 2 votes for showing late regardless.

    These rules will be put in effect starting now and won’t be modified again. I’m not bending or breaking anymore rules for anybody.


    [/SIZE][/B][/COLOR][/LEFT]

    Must READ: You must pick one of each topic to give your opponent some protection from choices and also so there isn't several verses written on the same topic that everyone has picked to be used.

    So pick one of the Title and Phrases, one of the Quotes and one of the Pics for your opponent.

    Thursday is the deadline for choosing topics or your opponent will get to pick their own topic. Topical choices must be posted in match threads by deadline.


    All other rules that are applied in the league will also be enforced for regulating the tournament. If you're not familiar with the rules of the RSTL, please read them.


    The only difference will be that in this tournament, your opponent will get to pick your topics for you. Topics must be picked and posted within the match thread within 1 day. If it's not posted, the opponent of the person that didn't pick a topic in time will get to choose his/her own topic. You must choose one of each kind of topic for some variety.


    So... topics will be up Wednesday 12am PST every week and topical choices are due Thursday 12am PST and verses are due Monday 12am PST, 3am EST, 8am Greenwich with votes due Wednesday 12 am PST, 3am EST, 8am Greenwich

    Also, there will be no recycling allowed. Nothing you've ever posted anywhere online will be allowed. The mods will be checking verses for authenticity with online search engines.




    Disused Hero has -1 vote for not voting last week.
    test
  2. ConstantFlows

    ConstantFlows New Member

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    Ghostwriter for hire

    I charge poker money
    test
  3. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

    Joined:
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    I call.... I'm holding 2 paira of tits
    test
  4. Pent uP

    Pent uP I'd Like to Fight Ten Men

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2001
    Messages:
    14,147
    Immoral Actions

    Imaginery friends are better than People


    As children, some of us develop imaginary friends
    And some of us don't let go until our lifespans very end
    A sad and scary thread that holds our concious together
    Where if we listen to much we come off as thoughtless or clever
    Opposite sides of a psyche that might seem drastic,
    Yet
    They potentially both point to psychiatric help

    Which brings me to the subway train that I'm on
    Explaining my wrongs to graffiti sprays on white walls
    While lights flicker and I stare at bums requesting tips
    clenching my nose closed at the stench of unattended piss
    Glaring at a honeys legs, then hips, then her stunning, gentle lips
    As they scrunch together with bubble gum descending quick...
    It expands exponentially and i think I'm certain that shroud might pop
    The flickering stops for a second and our eyes lock
    She approaches, hips swaying like models on a cat walk
    A hundred wack thoughts perplex my usually cunning back talk
    Wit...game....social skill....
    She arrives, smiling and fiddling her blouse
    The question "Gum?" riddles out her mouth...
    I think You could smell my breath from over there?
    But say "Sure...." to gain some closure wear
    She looks at me weirdly while handing me a stick
    When, candidly, I rip a fart and start stammering some shit
    While managing to think god, I hope she doesn't smell that
    But her face wrinkled up as I paused and fell back
    A dozen pests laughed, and it all seemed aimed at me
    Her original demeanor of seduction and glee drained slowly
    So I started a three-legged-pig joke real hastily
    But thought as I was speaking I wonder what breakfest she'll make for me
    The train stopped, she scoffed and said "Nice try you FREAK"
    I thought I should've stuck with the wise guy technique
    She got out and I couldn't tell if she was scared or just cautious
    but I was prepared to get off this train and head to my therapists office
    ......getting off I thought of what I would of done to that girl
    And I felt like Pac with all eyez on me in a mundane ass world

    My thoughts continued until I got to his door
    I knocked, and of course wondered which problems I'd horde
    This being our first session I wanted to remain locked up and sore
    But when he opened up I was shocked to the core
    Because his assistant was the honey from the train
    And he already had my diagnosis which made me feel crummy with disdain
    bastard probly knows how much money he will gain
    With my bill more than likely sitting on the window pane

    The doc smiled at me and said No, you're far to rare
    I shot a gaurded stare, protecting my dark nightmares,
    Cloud filled dreams, and copywritten ideas
    He took out a recorder and said I've given my peers
    Notice, I'll explain, but first I need you to think of a random phrase
    and repeat it in your head until you stand amazed

    He had to be fucking with me so I switched the common thought
    I wish your assistant would let me stick my dick in her cunt you FOB
    I repeated until he stopped the recorder in a sudden pause
    Played it back to reveal I had no Inner monologue

    All my dastardly deeds dawned alight faster than speed
    All those girls' who's guts I managed to beat
    Church ceremonies when I thought the pastor was weak
    Speaking 2 thoughts at once, like when I'd brandish my glee
    But felt outlandishly creeped or even stranded with peeps
    And it sucks knowing no one said a DAMN in the least
    Because all my imaginery friends were really laughing at me
    Now I'm struggeling to conform to a normal pattern of speech​
    test
  5. disused hero

    disused hero rain rusted.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    65
    loving the darkness.​


    i'm pushing this boulder
    with a smile on my face
    - Albert Goodheart

    i was born at age thirteen
    on the wind swept avenues, of our capital, brave and clean
    there were
    no angels to save my seat
    too frail and weak, pale and meek
    i failed to see
    that only angels would pray for me
    and shape my dreams
    i've always had the
    sacred needs of a naked teen
    taken needs, i still shake from knees up
    sometimes seize up
    breathe dust, it wouldn't be long
    before i believed i could see the sun

    the doctor was wrong, his words couldn't
    soften my song
    claiming nothing was wrong
    while i was bed ridden coughing in psalms
    shuddering hard
    momma clutching my palms
    rubbing in cheap oils
    just to soften my qualms
    and try to still my suffering heart
    shuffling past outpatients, i felt outrageous
    head to toe bandaged
    white lights flicker
    i felt so shameless

    shame is, the car didn't hit me harder, sorry father
    you're not where the blame is
    framed in guilt, chained in silks, you're not my saviour
    i'm not your favourite, shane is
    i'm not blameless, i should've looked ahead
    before crossing that road
    to see your eyes, terrified, filled with dread
    to see your eyes, dressed to cry, actually feel instead
    of nodding my way
    looking for something to say
    suffering daily, sorry dad, i'm still happy this way
    i know you blinded me, but i'm happy it's grey.​

    xx.
    test
  6. TaLi RodrigueZ

    TaLi RodrigueZ Washed Up Rapper...

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2002
    Messages:
    4,546
    Ok...Here we go...first vote...

    Vote = Pent uP

    One big theme here: development. DH, you're a pretty decent writer but this particular piece seemed a bit scattered to me. My overall impression is that you are a blind, and perhaps even epileptic kid who is fairly helpless due to the fact that his dad accidently hit him with his car when he was younger. I read it a few times and that is the best synopsis I can come up with. There were parts of the concept that I think could have worked, but there also seemed to be a lot of filler lines in there that didn't really add anything to the overall product other than some decent rhyming. The flow seemed aight for the most part. Like I said, this isn't bad by any means, but it suffers from a serious lack of development in my opinion.

    Pent, this was pretty good for the most part. In terms of the writing, I thought it started off really strong and tailed off by the end. That has to be just about the hardest thing when writing these big pieces. We always start off so excited and strong and somewhere along the way, we just want to get the shit done. Maybe I shouldn't speak for you, but that's the impression I get when I see a rhyme where the first half seems to be better written than the second. That said, the second wasn't bad either. Most of all, this could have gone any number of directions, many of which I wouldn't have cared for, but in this case, I think you went the right way. The over-riding twist was pretty creative in my estimation.

    Anyways, that's about it. For me, Pent's was a more interesting read and it seemed to be thought out a little better overall. Not a bad battle though. Good stuff.
    test
  7. disused hero

    disused hero rain rusted.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    65
    umm.
    what, he edited a new verse in after i posted.

    xx.
    test
  8. TeKneeK

    TeKneeK The Heart and Soul of RM

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    hmmm...

    k i dont think im voting on this until things are straightened out here....

    so ill bbl...
    test
  9. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    yea, he can do that. seeing that you didn't check in or anything, it's a reasonable assumption that you wouldn't show. So alot of people post no show verses first to not waste their verse. Then you showed so his real verse obviously takes the other verse's place. Nothing wrong with that...

    continue

    Tek... you can't freepost in matches. If you're not voting, don't post.
    test
  10. disused hero

    disused hero rain rusted.

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    65
    eh, fair enough i suppose.
    if i'd have known that i would've actually finished my verse.
    after assuming that's all he was posting after all that bitching.
    next time eh.

    xx.
    test
  11. Vigil

    Vigil Im infinite consciousness

    Joined:
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    884
    Pent Up - good storytelling, it was fresh and you did a good job at describing the picture and laying out the story. The writing was smart, and true which is always important. The flow was good, and although two or three couplets didn't rhyme too well you still manged to create a pretty fluent piece. I liked the whole concept of the story, and you developed it nicely throughout the verse. The flow of the last six lines was fucking nice, real good and I liked the last line, I thougt you ended it pretty well. Overall, a good developed story, flow was good, rhymes in some areas couldve been better, there were ups and downs but you ended on a solid note, and the whole thing was creative which is always a plus.

    Disused Hero - the flow, and structure of the piece was really nice. The rhymes weren't on a high level but they were good enough to carry the piece. I never read any of your verses before and I didn't know what to expect, but after reading it I was impressed, I liked it very much. Some of your writing is weak, and the rhyming is inferior to that of pent's and I think that hurt you the most. The story wasn't as thought out and developed as pent's was and it just wasn't on the same caliber.

    Even though I liked DH's verse, I thought Pent's writing is better and his story was just more complex, and smarter, pure and simple. Smart writing is the most important thing, above rhyming and all else, and that is what I usually look for when I read a piece. And Pent's writing was smarter.

    vote - Pent up
    test
  12. Brains

    Brains The Phantom

    Joined:
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    Pent up- Nice, you portrayed that character really well throughout the entire verse. Ryhming was good most of the time and nothing was really filler or forced. It was an interesting and original story which is what kept me into it. That was a creative twist too. This was definitely the more developed piece in this match.

    Disusedhero- This flowed well even though it wasn't anything complex, or even particularly interesting. I kinda got the idea of the story on the first read but some parts weren't clear and some ryhmes were obviously filler. That was a pretty creative take on the topic though in my opinion. Still, this didn't compare to pents piece which was a lot more solid as far as creativity goes.

    Vote- Pent Up
    test
  13. SacriFICE

    SacriFICE TRUspeak

    Joined:
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    5,954
    Gotta give this to Pent here.

    Pent, your verse was good, it started off written pretty nicely. Everything seemed to flow sort've naturally, until around the middle, where some of your rhyming became awkward, and rushed... but still didn't hinder the progression of the story, which was intact until the end. One thing that I thing would bring your writing to another level, would be polishing it up a bit, avoiding mispellings and grammar stuff, give your pieces that extra shine, because you know how to rhyme, you're getting better at not forcing rhyming. Overall this piece was interesting, not the best story I've read, but it was decent overall.

    DH: Man, you had something decent going here, the rhyme scheme was simple and fast paced, and dope in my opinion. You have a cool style and you actually write very well. The only thing that this piece lacked was a fuller development, and a little clarity through the middle, where the rhyming seemed to act like filler sometimes... But after reading through again, the point of the piece was a little clearer. Had you developed your character a little more, it would have given Pent's fuller and more developed piece a run for it's money.

    Good luck fellers.
    test
  14. DiC GeTs GuLLy

    DiC GeTs GuLLy Hello

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    Pent Up, I liked the way this verse developed. It was pretty creative subject that I don't think I've seen done before so it's good to see new approaches handled nicely. Your narration was pretty cool.... some words didn't seem to flow as natural, the word horde sticks in my mind as a word that you would never use adn didn't seem like a word the character would of really used either.... I still enjoyed this a lot though all the way through. Great character development and all this without much time to write... chump ass... lol

    DH, this was pretty nice. I know you didn't get to finish up this verse, but I was still impressed with what you did this week. The narration was smooth as fuck with the format you wrote this in. Flow and rhyme sequences were dope too and I liked how this read. Not as creative as pent came, but the content was well written and you gave some solid character build in the dramatic scheme you brought this week.

    Vote Pent
    test
  15. J o o k

    J o o k Guest

    pent, creative, fresh, and some shit only YOU could think of doing lol. your rhyme scheme was -cough- decent man, but you need to tighten that shit up seriously. you developed a nice storyline, and made the read pretty easy, overall this piece is about a strong 6 on the grading scale..


    dh, okay man i see where you were trying to take it, it's just sometimes i got lost, maybe because you added extra shit into it? nonetheless, the piece was .... uh you know that middle between cool, and needs a little tuning up, right there. your rhyme scheme reminded me of edgar allen poe LOL, because it was a tad abstract.. but i caught it.


    vote - pent, dis just didn't have a very entertaining piece this week.
    test
  16. ConstantFlows

    ConstantFlows New Member

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    test
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