routine.

Discussion in 'Poetry Realm' started by patrown, Dec 8, 2011.

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  1. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    a glass of whiskey sweating dew
    resting on my desk
    it's where i spend my time
    between the mouse and monitor
    it's risky but its fine
    list me as a night owl
    or pass the sugar coating
    an alcoholic breaking down
    fake smiles hiding self loathing
    cramped where once was frowns
    clenching down on cracking teeth
    ill measure my improvement
    by what now brings my relief
    whichever pleasure led me here
    waiting for birds asleep
    who wait for dawn
    to sing there songs
    when at my worst
    id change the past but on my path
    always seeking strength
    no complaints from me
    existence never bothers
    my life's a gift
    my thanks
    im known to live my own life
    so im used to hateful words
    ill swerve on just past noon or so
    with sleep still in my eyes
    to stumble into work still drunk
    driving there unwise
    is life for you impractical?
    mines pulled in a pattern fractal
    im there but changing as the same thing
    like vegans plucking chickens daily
    watching their blood draining
    yet ill show up to work
    my four damn hours a day
    to get a shitty paycheck
    it just goes off to different banks
    id rather pick up boats of x
    profit from overdoses
    then live this shitty life i chose
    thats leading to cirrhosis
    that's behind me now i guess
    a routine of the past
    but easy money feels so good
    until it goes too fast

    i went on long enough. it's your turn , POST SOME STUFF
    test
  2. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    anybody feel? anybody hate? drop some feedback.
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    The wording in this was awkward...lines like

    "they chirp outside my window, heard when my minds at worst"

    doesn't make any sense. You have to make the readers job easy. This was a struggle in areas. Keep it up and re-read your material dude..

    It had potential tho
    test
  4. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    i did go over that one a few times.. :wtf:
    but yah that line makes absolutely no sense.
    thanks for the feedback shadow. ill have to keep the reader in mind.
    i wana try and rework it tho. stay up
    test
  5. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    some strong points were your flow, though simply, highly smooth. good alliteration.
    test
  6. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    thanks coup. ive been writing a lot.
    test
  7. hearstothemute

    hearstothemute New Member

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    it's just very simple. everything about it is bare-bones and basic. try and work more at delving into emotive aspects of what you're trying to say and elaborate them by using metaphor, imagery; some sort of technique that connect the words to the reader. and also, there's no need to rush the end of lines to make for the A-B meter, if anything i'd say skip the rhyming and expand your techniques instead. keep at it.
    test
  8. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    thanks for the pointed analysis and advice.
    I'm taking a break from writing a while and focusing on reading poetry instead.
    Just recently took an interest, I need to catch up a bit.
    Not much thought was put into any writing I've done before. Simple similes were often the highlight of the stuff I thought was good. I'll be working on free form with metaphors before I try anything that rhymes.
    Hoping it's a good place to start. Thanks again,
    Any advice/stern fist shaking appreciated!!!
    test
  9. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    meant for PM
    test
  10. Coup d'état

    Coup d'état Don't believe the hype

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    Pat...don't reply.

    John chapter one.

    you'll know
    test
  11. AboutTyme

    AboutTyme New Member

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    Felt the emotion in this piece...kinda got lost here and there but i caught myself as a reader kind of wanting more ya know...but overall it was legit keep up the good work...
    test
  12. patrown

    patrown student for life

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    thanks man. old piece. more new stuff here + rstl
    test
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