[ROUND 5] 2. Got Life?(4-0) vs 3. ShadowWarriorfs(3-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 26, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
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    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

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    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    I see the deadline has been moved by the 3 hours.

    There are still no extensions being allowed, cheers.
    test
  3. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    test
  5. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    [​IMG]

    The prodigy, the symphony of talent and grace,
    Needs to find its balance in space,
    Because as long as the song, like a fallacy, plays,
    There will always play the sound of her, "Wait..."

    It's only but a circumstance, a perfect chance at bliss,
    Encounters of a fourth kind, her certain hands amiss,
    Private school had offered all the kinds of fools with coffers,
    But her violin spoke violet grins to the types of blues of paupers,
    And in the summer time, the sun was high, those blues were in the sky,
    She would walk on by a pauper with a bucket near his thighs,
    Legs crossed, he played songs, that were lift-ing his heart,
    Taking yellow out of green with his six-string guitar,
    She had her case in hand on one of these occasions,
    And played with him her favorite hymns and woeful salutations,
    The notes and chords he played melted souls with scores she graced,
    He seemed so focused, when the moments poured with rain,
    She noticed him, he noticed her, the fire was aflame,
    And they let it burn like Dave Koresh, the highest one, ashamed,
    For the circumstance, while worth a glance, was only but a test,
    As logic verse emotion, and emotion proved the best,
    So when the summer slowed and the heat was dying down,
    It became apparent that the marriage wasn't worth it now,
    She tried to tell him, "Honey, distance is our foe,
    I'm ending this, to end the wish, that kisses keep us close,
    I'm leaving, going back to school, I have to do this, please,
    Don't make this harder than it ever truly needs to be..."

    He blinked away a tear, said I think it's way too clear,
    That the end for us is near though our roots won't disappear,
    So grow yourself a tree from that violin you hold,
    Someday you'll learn the blues, by then I'll make it home...

    They never talked, time did pass, grabbed her things, to head on back,
    Waving hi, and saying bye to makeshift guys she let relapse,
    She learned the scales...
    The notes of blues, but never saw the whole of views,
    So she tried the notebook move, wrote a letter she hoped would woo,

    "Dear Eric,
    It's been a while, I have your bracelet, and still wear it...
    I've been practicing the scales, I've been working really hard,
    But the blues sound so much better on your six-string guitar,
    I was wondering if maybe you could come on by to teach me,
    These music geeks, they have no soul, not one of them can reach me."

    ...A week went by, she dreamed and cried and waited for response,
    A letter of reply finally leaked into her box,
    She opened it with haste...a smile upon her face,
    And began to read the words and letters planted on the page.

    "Dear Vicky,
    I don't know how to say this... the words are kind of tricky,
    Eric was despairing it was hard, so please bear with me,
    He said you didn't need to know the blues, you need to just stay happy,
    I asked him what he meant, he just shook his head and slapped me,
    Like a pain was deep inside and he just wouldn't let it out,
    Brimming with emotion, but he couldn't scream and shout,
    I'm sorry you should know like this, you missed the whole plight,
    He sold his guitar, bought a gun, and took his own life..."

    She dropped the letter, didn't even bother reading on,
    She didn't need to know the rest, her conscience speaking strong,
    It told her she was gone, and so his songs had left with her,
    His blues were used as subtle cues, lost and left a-blur,
    She wanted him to teach her how he made those sounds on his guitar,
    He knew those sounds were quiet frowns and she didn't have the heart,
    Now she plays her violin, notes seeping through the rouge,
    Life has a funny way... of teaching you the blues...

    [​IMG]
    test
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    60,692

    Violent Tears


    I traveled constantly to cities, an occupational tourist
    Slash adventurist, strong yet delicate with hands of a florist
    Life was too short for reservations so I lived freely
    From cars to airports, it was rare family would see me
    A true ghost walking the Earth, no finger or foot prints
    Going wherever my clients needed, no questions, no hints
    Just an email with a picture, a name and a general location
    Arriving quickly to finish the job then vanishing in a train station
    Just an insurance agent but my victims saw an assassin
    Some of them hunted but most were found in passing
    I watched them gasping then collapsing to their knees
    Followed by endless pleas and empty apologies
    But I was a military trained killer, a true professional
    Discharged for acts that have gotten other men a congressional
    Justice demolished so I decided to enforce my own
    Rejecting peace and embracing the path I was shown

    On September 23rd, I watched a victim through a scope
    He was eating with his family as I waited for him to choke
    Finger tight on the trigger, adjusting the lens for precision
    Suddenly my eyes blurred then worsened to double vision
    Trying to focus but squeezing the trigger, heartbeat rests
    It was hopeless, I missed, his wife struck through the chest
    She slowly fell to the tile I quickly began packing my gun
    Sprinting down the stairs and to the train as the sirens rung
    12 hours later I was home, exhausted but nerves were calm
    Picking up my phone with sweat still on my palms
    I called my doctor hoping he could provide an answer
    He told me that my symptoms were from brain cancer
    I was speechless and started to reminisce on my past
    It was time to change and leave an impression that would last
    I switched professions, driving a school bus to make cash
    It was good honest work, I felt like a phoenix rising from the ash

    One day at about 2:55pm as I was dropping the last kid off
    His father started yelling, calling me childish and soft
    Falsely accusing me of driving fast, I started to lose my cool
    But I closed the door and sped off thinking “this guy is a fool”
    I wanted to make him suffer so I pulled out my sniper rifle, then
    I began planning the execution knowing it would stifle him
    At 9:45pm I was on the rooftop two miles away
    I had him in my scope, watching his body sway
    I adjusted for wind resistance and waited in the dark
    He started to walk, trigger back he barely saw the spark
    A bullet through his eyeball as he twitched on the floor
    I saw his family rush to his aid, screaming at all the gore
    I shed a tear and gave them a moment of silence
    Realizing that in the end, a killer will always turn to violence

    [​IMG]
    test
  7. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Got Life? - wow. i read through this three times to find something to be overly critical of and there really is nothing. this verse was dope. about half way through the second stanza i thought, "okay, how is GL? going to end up killing one of these two." but even though i knew it was coming, the twist was still solid. when she wrote the letter i figured he'd tell her to fuck off and she'd kill herself. also, i was digging your rhymes more this week than usual. overall this verse was sick.


    Shadow - not gonna lie, i lol'd at the part where the wife was hit through the chest. that shit cracked me up for some reason. anyway, this was a cool read, but i wasnt a fan of the ending. whos gonna shoot someone because they yelled at the for speeding? Also, "calling me childish and soft" was jus meant to keep the rhyme scheme going. it was awkwardly worded to me. all in all, this was a good verse, but the ending had some issues.

    vote- GL?
    test
  8. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6,230
    vote- gl

    shadow - what the fuck at the opening couplet. honestly it was absolutely horrible to read and made it really difficult to carry on. the wording and all that was alright but the rhythm just wasn't there anywhere. i couldn't work out a way to pace the rhythm so it sounded natural at all. plus the tourist / florist rhyme is a bit of a stretch that i don't think works. the assassin / passing rhyme bugs me as well but i'm pretty sure that's just a regional thing as i pronounce passing with a long a. 'I watched them gasping then collapsing to their knees
    Followed by endless pleas and empty apologies' felt the wording was a bit empty but it had a nice rhythm to it. i think it's just sometimes you throw too many syllables into a line, just because visually it looks alright doesn't necessarily mean that the rhythm will follow. 'On September 23rd, I watched a victim through a scope
    He was eating with his family as I waited for him to choke' that however was really nicely written. appreciated. from then on it wasn't bad but you just seem to have stalled developing as a writer and are stuck in this loop where you're just so close to being really good. also never ever use a cool / fool rhyme again please.

    gl - unless you're pronouncing something really weird i just don't get the paupers / coffers rhyme. there's a few times in this verse that i felt that you put a bit too much in one line. like 'But her violin spoke violet grins to the types of blues of paupers' and it made 'types of blues of paupers' come across a little bit weird connected with the rest of the line. 'And in the summer time, the sun was high, those blues were in the sky,' was nicely timed and weighted but the use of blues in the line before made it feel a bit redundant to me, probably could've just left it at 'summer time / sun was high'. then using pauper again in the next line felt less like re-enforcement of an idea and more like you just couldn't think of anything better to say. i've been putting off voting because i have no idea whether i really fucking love the 'lift-ing / six string' rhyme or really fucking hate it for that emphasis you put on it. i'm currently with love it. 'She noticed him, he noticed her, the fire was aflame,' not sure what else a fire could be. i can see the point but a bit redundant. like the amount i write redundant. always up for a koresh reference. the rhythm on 'For the circumstance, while worth a glance, was only but a test,' was so sweet. for the majority of the verse the rhythm was very well weighted which is why i think i noticed it the most when you'd cram a little bit, just flexing. 'I'm ending this, to end the wish, that kisses keep us close,' was another bit with a really nice rhythm. 'So grow yourself a tree from that violin you hold,
    Someday you'll learn the blues, by then I'll make it home...' thumbs up. 'They never talked, time did pass, grabbed her things, to head on back,' this is what i mean by cramming, could've just been 'as time passed she grabbed her things to head on back'. holy fuck just realised i haven't been paragraphing. didn't mean to write this much. my bad wall of text. for the rest of it it kind've carried on in a slightly lower writing style like you got a bit bored. still good just not as good and a bit plain. oh no he shot himself fair enough. however.
    'Now she plays her violin, notes seeping through the rouge,
    Life has a funny way... of teaching you the blues...'
    fucking yes. nice ending
    test
  9. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    GL? wins 2-0
    test
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