[ROUND 5] 1. T.a.C(4-0) vs 4. nom is dull.(3-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 26, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    test
  2. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
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    He told me
    ‘Give me the coffee and eat your eggs on toast’

    I put my plate on the floor and fed the ghost
    Although dead to most I hold him in high esteem
    He’s still catching clouds in a tired dream
    With string wrapped round his wrist and tied to me
    So we can talk in places as shy as sleep
    A sleight as cheap as watching the ducks feed
    Blushed cheeks explaining just how it struck me
    The way that a cut bleeds but a bandage holds
    Blood to the body like a stranded soul
    Drunk on the shanties told we touched smiles
    And let our sentences linger like a rushed trial
    He was a tough child with the grin of a saint
    Who said he couldn’t breathe in the din of this place
    He leaves gaps in his words, I fill in the blanks
    Create my own melody and claim a hymn is the same
    Put our money in a tin in the safe
    And keep counting till we’re just a vision erased

    We danced figure eights until our feet ached
    Sat back relaxed and waited for our teasmade
    Blew bubbles into the gap that the breeze makes
    Wondered how spirits fit the form a sheet shapes
    The heat shakes us until we run for the trees
    Mark where we’ve been with gum in the leaves
    And tongues in our cheeks, chewing till slumber is sweet
    We fell from the tree tops tumbling free

    They said I couldn’t see him but summer prevailed
    As we drifted aimlessly with sun in the sail
    Gun smoke as we trailed west dirt in our palms
    Deadweight around our necks cursing our charms
    Rehearsing with storm clouds berating our gifts
    Goals in the gravel erased when we slip
    A shape that we missed when courting the dawn
    As the light slipped away tortured and torn
    A pauper with shorn hair and grazed knees
    Scrabbling through the dust the maze seems
    To be broken corn and table legs
    Knowing we’ll win the race the way the fable said
    No painful end we sent kites to the stars
    String threaded right through our palms
    It danced so righteous it arced
    Following patterns it traced we placed lights in the dark
    A night where the stars called us cowards
    Bent towards the fire like cautious flowers

    But nights fade and become day break
    And days break and become this strange ache

    Where we sort hours out between us, shifts on swings
    Ground flour on the tips of wings
    A riff that rings true as we slip on sins
    And whistle the delicate way a pistol sings
    Of how ‘I miss you’ stings in small kingdoms
    Another cure without knowing the symptoms

    So I leave the ghost on the floor straighten my back
    A high backed chair framing the act
    Of a poker faced child cutting an egg
    While the worlds he’s just seen clutter the edge
    Of the table, red eyes shutter a pledge
    To disobey a father who hasn’t decided a punishment yet
    For his child only 9 with a smile decorating
    The body of a man who’s got a rent to pay in
    And a plain face with the smile of dream killer
    And he murmurs these words in a brief whisper

    ‘Give me the coffee and eat your eggs on toast’


    [​IMG]
    test
  3. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]


    I had a dream last night
    Awoke to a scream, in fright
    Refusing to believe it might
    Be even the least bit right

    Christine and I were laying on a sheet
    On the beach, she had just drifted off to sleep
    Nestled up to her hair, so soft and sweet
    Any other night of my life could not compete
    Watching the waves crash under the moon light
    Looking at the stars on this crisp June night
    The bonfire crackles waking Christine
    She stands up, her dress still pristine
    After laying in sand
    She takes my hand
    Her other hand grabs the lantern
    Guiding our path as we meander
    Until our feet are in the freezing cold water
    We’re living a love story and she’s the author
    She walks farther, until she’s knee deep
    Our hands separate, back to shore I retreat
    Telling her I’ll be waiting, shivering and shaking
    I can see the light pressing on, her figure waning
    Until the light disappears, hearing frantic splashes
    Screaming “save me, save me” looking for branches
    Something to reach out to try to pull her to safety
    Finding nothing, I run into the ocean bravely
    But I cant find her, her screams stopping
    Repeatedly hearing her pleas for help taunt me

    Something about that dream didn’t sit right
    Was it my unconscious mind giving insight?
    Unable to sleep, I go pour coffee in my grey cup
    Waiting in bed until Christine wakes up
    I tell her about the dream, holding a tissue
    She tells me lately she’s had stomach issues
    Knowing my dream was a sign, I was inclined
    To tell her not to let this go down as a missed cue
    I had her call the doc before she could answer
    One check up later he determined she had cancer

    Six months pass as her condition worsened
    Such a horrible hand dealt to such a nice person
    I’m certain, that she is on her death bed
    Hope and optimism gone, leaving just dread
    Today she slept all day under heavy sedation
    Only waking when I woke her to take medication
    Laying close to her all day knowing it’ll be soon
    I drift off to sleep, to see the same scene, same moon
    The same dream has ensued, both on the beach
    She leads me to the ocean, and jus beyond her reach
    She sinks, I hear her screech, but this times different
    Because as I run out she’s not quite as distant
    I grab her hand, fighting the pull of the tide
    At first she’s holding back tight, full of fight
    But her strength drains and her grip weakens
    I can tell she feels like giving up, beaten
    Then her hand goes limp, all warmth leaving
    I woke up next to her to see her not breathing
    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    Nom - This definitely wasn't your best work as there were a lot of lines that just seemed odd to me in the way that they were worded or how you paired them. Maybe I just missed something here, but I felt like your mechanics weren't where they normally are. The imagery and writers voice still carried this for a solid verse, just wasn't up to the standard I hold you to.

    Tac - Your wording is just so basic and boring. Your first 4 lines do nothing to build the story. You depiction of the first aspect of the dream sequence (laying on the sheet/pristine dress) is both insignificant to the supposed significance of the dream, but it also doesn't build your story and is just cheap and useless filler. Your use of repetition was overly predictable in the way that you used it. Those were the big issues but I had a lot of other issues with the verse itself including the lack of any shred of originality/creativity.

    vote = Nom.
    test
  5. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    test
  6. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
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    test
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    60,689
    Nom - This was a good story and a smooth delivery. It read very natural. I just wasn't too fond of the topic. Perhaps it is my mood but it was pretty bland to me. I don't know i'm just moody. Still a solid piece of writing.


    T.a.C. - The story was cool but the delivery was meh. The lines were rough. You need to make the lines run smooth. almost as if you were reading it to a crowd. If you read this to me, i would get the impression that you have a stuttering problem or had a speech impediment. You always write the coolest story but handicap yourself with terrible delivery. Nicely done tho


    V/ Nom for a having a story that was better written
    test
  8. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    nom wins 2-0
    test
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