[Round 4] 1. T.a.C(3-0) vs 5. Fairydance2000(2-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 19, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM PST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
    •Recycling is the equivalent to that of a no-show and will be treated as such, thus resulting in a loss in favor of the participant whom chose to recycle and a win in favor of his/her opponent
    •Extensions may only be granted if a moderator has given consent prior to a verse being posted in the match OR your opponent gives his consent. Failure to acknowledge an extension request results in it being granted.
    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
    •A Championship Title WILL NOT be decided by way of no-show!!!
    •If an opponent fails to show in a Championship match, the remaining participant will be ranked as the number 1 seed, but will not be considered a Champion until a win by vote
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    • A verse can be edited if and only if it is the first verse to be posted and the other verse has yet to be posted or it is the second verse posted and a vote has yet to be received.
    • Members found constantly disruptive to the league will have their sign-in ignored.


    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

    •You MUST vote on AT LEAST 5 matches AND post links in your thread
    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
    •Voting on the Championship and Contender matches is mandatory
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    •Your votes MUST be AT LEAST 2 FULL lines in length per verse in order to be deemed valid (Discretion given on incomplete verses)
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    •If your opponent fails to show, you still must vote on 3 matches as well as posting those links in your match!!! You WILL lose if you dont.
    •Voting is open until matches are closed. Deadlines are flexible!!!
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    •Editing your vote for any reason must be done within the hour of the original post time. Otherwise, the vote will be null and void.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    Topic: Involuntary Suicide

    Together
    My short straw drawn from life runs empty when sipped
    Born in a morgue would be more humane then this
    Pretentious by no means I exist through fear
    A cult controlled colony conformed by tears
    Smeared by gossip I’ll let you peer through the hole
    Of a portal in poor judgment and control
    My ancestor’s choice now commands my deeds
    As I stand in heat before the hand that feeds
    We bleed entranced beneath a chant of thieves
    Glory to the night father from webs he weaves
    I’m a third generation child of fire
    I only bend to my father’s desires
    Lighters supply faith in our stain glass skies
    As that’s all we have left from this insane past time
    One domain, one shrine, one shred of virtue left
    One purpose, two lives on a bed of hurtful sex
    Non-violent acts of passion behind his back
    My father would kill if he followed my tracks
    For months this outsider has shown lust in love
    His protection’s potent so I trust his touch
    I’m hushed at the fact my periods late
    Pain engraved through my eyes in the mirror I face
    Terror displayed with the decision I made
    As my father carves with incisions from blades
    My man fall’s victim as I listen to prayers
    Diced into quarter from the slaughter we share
    Drinking his blood and then eating off his flesh
    My heart’s beating for two, dry reaching each breath
    Glory to the father! So glory be his name
    We the loyal disciples, dance round the flame
    Controlled and submissive! I yield to the flock
    More secrets concealed mind numb with shock
    Beneath my robes, bumps explode, sin exposed
    Skin thick as gold but my wills set to blow
    Disclose and die or try to deny the lie
    We reach for the sky. Await our time to fly
    Jesus returns when we cleanse our soul
    The eclipse of the sun, salvation our goal
    Greeted at Satan’s Flaming gates of hell
    Proclaiming fate awaits pungent sulphur smell
    Deceiving father hastened my final test
    Receiving the truth ensured my fatal quest
    Prayers from the book, praise to father night
    Pain filled with tears the birth in moon light,
    Father declares the prophecy comes to fusion
    Gatherers cheer at his final decision
    To resurrect our lord, I must expire my chance
    In survival, entranced by these tired demands
    Wired, frightened ciphering blood from my hands
    Crying with each bite forced to tongue her organs
    As the whip swung my hips are numb with slit gums
    Bones poking, fetus choking when I piece lung
    My internals fall, drowning in an inferno floor
    Burning walls, hurt as my father’s working pawn
    Murder certainly well suicide maybe
    My pride is shaking inside my spine can’t take it
    Facing my fetus, waiting for god to change me
    I slither flesh through lips now shame evades me
    A shallow victory, my daughter no more
    Her remains, my remains, mesh together as before


    test
  3. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    The first time I considered suicide
    Was after my first love left me for a newer guy
    10 months wasted, never anticipated
    I’d be faced with her being such a fake bitch
    At seventeen I had lost out on heavens queen
    Half Hispanic, and the other half Lebanese
    Gorgeous tan skin with beautiful curly hair
    Luscious lips; the gateway to her pearly squares
    I should have known someone would ruin things
    I saw it coming, but to tell the truth, it stings
    She said she loved me, laying close on cold nights
    But nothing goes right for me, through my whole life
    So fuck it, I’ll just end it, theres no way to mend this
    This rope is my companion and the choke is friendship
    A friend would save me from living 70 years a wreck
    Standing on the chair, lifting the noose near my neck
    The door opens, mom screams like she’s scared of me
    Helps me down, then she sends me for therapy

    Two years later, she still haunts my dreams
    My nightmares, I wake up and I scream
    My broken heart never mended
    Even after High School ended
    In her presence I wasn’t dependent
    But it was an act, all pretended
    After we broke up I became a recluse
    Started taking up cocaine use
    Checking in daily, watching my weight fall
    Heading out every other day to get an eight ball
    When I packed for college I brought my addiction
    Which took all my money, had a near eviction
    Plus I stopped studying and failed my first term
    Became a complete loner, people sensed I was infirm
    So fuck it, I’ll just end it, theres no way to mend this
    This coke is my companion and to overdose is friendship
    Falling in the dorm hall, a lady screams like shes scared of me
    Calls for an ambulance, then after I get sent back to therapy


    They say I’m a threat to myself, but I’m my own savior
    This behavior is my way of doing myself a favor
    Now in my mid sixties, in my shack all alone
    Nobody writes me letters, or calls the phone
    In and out of mental hospitals for my attempts
    Constantly transferred for showing my contempt
    This could have been ended my first try
    The “beauty of life” is the worst lie
    Cuz life’s an ugly whore lookalike of Sarah Jessica Parker
    My outlook started off bleak, and daily grew darker
    I’m fuckin miserable, and I always have been
    Some call it depression and some call it madness
    But I can end this now, living in solitude
    Wiping off my pistol, finally I’ll follow through
    Lifting it to my temple with such vigor
    I close my eyes…3…2…1…then I pull the trigger
    You thought you were helping, but I was helped by one gun
    “Saving” me was your good deed, but some good deeds are best undone

    Some good deeds are best undone
    test
  4. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Messages:
    13,681
    Fairy - your writing has no breaks, no pauses, it just runs on and on until your verse is up. It's ridiculously monotone and you need to break it up. Throw in punctuation for proper pauses during lines. Allow for breaks and transitions between stanzas for some kind of flow. Towards the middle your lackluster rhymes even fell apart and you stopped rhyming all together. Also there was odd wording like "Born in a morgue would be more humane then this" It's missing the word Being at the start of it to sound like a natural narration. You cut corners throughout your writing and it suffers as a result.

    Tac - For me one thing you always seem to struggle with is how you open up your verse. This starts out so cliche and blah it's just painful. You use all the possible cliche heartbroken devices and to boot you do some half assed description of the chick you're into. If you're going to write something so simplistic then the emotion needs to carry it, however this was bland as fuck. Another thing you really slip up on is when you switch to a shorter bar scheme is you don't take into account for syllables and how it makes your flow that much more choppy.

    vote = Tac for a less bad verse.
    test
  5. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2004
    Messages:
    284
    test
  6. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2008
    Messages:
    76,203
    test
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2004
    Messages:
    60,689
    Fairy - This was a good story but it was difficult to read. The wording in this was very awkward. It made the flow very choppy and the story less enjoyable. The rhymes were good and did enjoy the story but lines like this "Born in a morgue would be more humane then this" just read awkwardly. Adding a 'being' would have made this flow better. You did this throughout the story and was the reason it was hard to get into.


    T.a.C. - You don't seem to pay attention to what i tell you week after week. The wording here is just really weird. The story was cool but the wording, like fairy, doesn't make sense in a few areas. "I saw it coming, but to tell the truth, it stings" you know darn well you wouldn't verbally say it like this so why type it? Other than that, the rhymes were the best part of this. Good work T.a.C


    V/ T.a.C. for his story being easier to get through
    test
  8. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    6,230
    vote - tac

    fairy - i still just find your writing to be painfully dull. there never seems to be any spark at all to your writing and it makes me feel like i'm dragging myself through it hoping that it's just a drop at the start. but it carries on. lots of simple rhyming that utterly grinds my gears. but i am a stickler for interesting rhyme pairing. obviously not every rhyme has to be out of this world. but your obvious rhymes just pull me out of the story as i start playing a guessing game about whether you're going to go for the blatantly obvious rhyme each time.

    tac - what the fuck at : 'Cuz life’s an ugly whore lookalike of Sarah Jessica Parker'. did someone bet you that you wouldn't use such a fucking retarded line in your verse? it's literally the only explanation that i can possibly think of. you consistently do bizarre things in your verse like that and it makes me so fucking angry. other than that, your writing was a bit better than fairys. you did show a little promise in the third stanza with the pacing.
    test
  9. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    25,670
    fairy.
    i don't know why everyone is hating on you, but i actually enjoyed reading your verse the most throughout this week. if it had been up in the three-way, i would've had a difficult time deciding on whether to give you or gl the vote. well done.

    even though the story was pretty hard to figure out, i thought it was talking about mary the mother of jesus at the start, but then it wasn't, and then i just got confused man. i think the masses here don't prefer the religious topics that you and coup go for, but i enjoyed it.

    those two lines alone were more enjoyable than tee's story, and i'm not even hating.

    t.a.c
    you are to love stories what i am to redemption and religious topics, you always do them. you do the fuck out of them. i'm sick of reading shit about you and your lost love, but i like the twist at the end, and i did have a lot easier time reading through your story than fairy's.

    i really liked that part, and i thought you could've done better in terms of basic rhymes.

    my vote goes to fairy, and not even going against the grain.

    i personally think he deserves it for having more polished and thought out rhymes.

    :numaan:
    test
  10. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    76,203
    T.a.C wins 3-1
    test
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