Round 3 : Jai-Z Vs. coil grimely (Vote!)

Discussion in 'RSTL Grudge Matches and Tournaments' started by Lucifa, Nov 18, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    test
  2. coil grimely

    coil grimely Tears textcees to tidbits

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    978
    Ain't forgot about'cha Lu...
    Will be showing.
    test
  3. Jai-Z

    Jai-Z Bangem, Jai

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,262
    "By Candle Light"

    The mood's right
    The candle light flickers as the flames starts to dance
    To a melody, where the indian flute's enhancing romance
    My attempt's to enchant her
    I'm so enamored by the grace she is
    Beautiful, voluptious, curvaciously miraculious
    My soul taps to the bassline of her heartbeat
    Rapidly switching, extending the flow of blood to my feet
    I can't help but speak nothings, as poetry pry it's way through me
    Pass the tunnels of love, unto this godly beauty
    She moves me
    So soothingly, to the tone of her voice
    That my eyes begin to invite her to engage in my vocal points

    "Love the dress, especially when it's pressed up against your complection"
    And those rose pedal lips are captivating, goes without question
    She bites her lip
    And ignites my excitement
    While pouring the wine, I got lost in the moment
    And couldn't hide it
    The candle wax dripped for hours as time flew past
    By Candle Light, is how I set it off when we made love she gasped
    In ecstay, sweat beads and bodily fluids meet their potential
    That fuck was so good, she even made love to my mental
    It's that simple

    Quick key. Goodluck coil.
    test
  4. coil grimely

    coil grimely Tears textcees to tidbits

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    978
    *relatives bday this weekend. i had to leave town for that. sorry i missed the original deadline..
    i'd still like to post, if possible, Lu...
    and G'luck to you too Jai


    I've got a secret, I wanna know if you can keep it
    I hold the key to unlock it, and read it
    please know that everything i say i mean it
    ..these are my truest deepest feelings
    ..i've got a secret

    so please let me speak my mind
    on the situation, and how i wish'd you were mine
    contemplative, waiting on the right momemnt in time
    to let you know how i feel deep inside
    besides the taste of failure, is the thought of rejection
    that keeps me walking back in the other direction
    then i start stressin'...thinkin' about why
    i start gettin' nervous everytime that you walk by
    you blow my mind, well..it's amazing, i can't lie
    that everytime you smile i feel the rays of sunshine
    wit those beautiful eyes..you're unique and one of a kind
    envision us against them sittin side by side
    too wild.. understand you're the perfect girl
    nobody could take ya place in the whole world
    nobody is quite like you.. truely, what should i do
    how i feel is so real, and real feel's so true
    ...but it's a secret

    everytime that i'm in your presence
    i feel like a child on christmas, opening all his presents
    joy and happiness fully lifts my spirits..
    its like santa broughten me everything on my wish list
    but this gift, could never be replaced
    its the glow and the way you put a smile on my face
    ..i'm in a wonderful place, when i think 'bout you and how..
    my life's complete.. my smile's turned upside down
    i wanna hold you.. right here, right now
    but then i open my eyes, i turn around and begin to realize
    that all i really have is a crush
    and besides all that.. about you, i don't know too much
    but i'm willing to learn, and i'm willing to listen
    willing to be man, ya know i'm best for position
    wishing, prayin' and hopin'... one day that you'll see it
    that i want you to be my girl..
    but its a secret...

    Her response:
    It could never be ..not for any reason!
    a week ago, you killed my sister, you're wife ..and left her bleeding
    you're a demon.. i can't find a reason to stop cryin'
    ..now untie me!

    my heart is beating, I wanna know if you can hear it
    you hold the key to unlock it, and read it
    please know that everything i say i mean it
    ..these are my truest deepest feelings
    ..my heart is beaten

    [​IMG]
    test
  5. 3-Planes

    3-Planes Cruel... and unusual

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2007
    Messages:
    549
    Jai-Z

    reminded me a little of dead prez - mind sex

    although the writing was mellow, subtle and pretty on point this felt generic and bland.. especially with such poetically inclined mechanics it's imptortant to provide something vivid and stand-out at the end of each line (or rather bar couplet) - new exciting imagery (i mean flames, candle light and all that mess are tried and true when it comes to invoking visuals of love and passion, but not very exciting)

    "Beautiful, voluptious, curvaciously miraculious"

    ^ this line right here is where you let loose and actually did something interesting (i liked the constant recall of the ious-sound, made for a smooth read even though the line was probably a syllable or two too long)

    i sense some talent here and i bet if you put some time and effort into it you could write some dope stuff

    coil grimely

    hmm, another pretty cliché ordeal here - it might be honest emotion, but it comes off as stale and platitudinous (i'm well aware that's it a text piece, the writing is not organic or very visual)


    i do like that the tone is earnest at least, but it's wrapped in pretty dull writing - try more in the way of imagery, different rhyme schemes and literary devices (not just for the fuck of it, but to grasp the reader and make him interested in what you have to say)

    vote: Jai-Z

    while neither impressed me, his writing had a warmth to it; carried by a few animated lines... it was enough to win this in my book even though coil's piece was better developed

    keep that pen moving fellas
    test
  6. 2triple0

    2triple0 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2005
    Messages:
    330
    this battle was kind of blah for me... i thought coil started out real nicely but i didn't like where you took the piece. it didn't really seem to fit in together with the theme, this guy just seemed kind of like a stalker or something... but i was really feeling jai's verse more.. his seemed more like poetry to me, and it was alright at times.. and he had more of an underlining meaning to his piece. he could have done a lot better i can tell, and he did write better pieces (i felt) in past weeks... it was very sentimental and i like reading pieces with happy settings so i gotta give my vote to Jai-Z
    test
  7. QueensSn

    QueensSn New Member

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    Mar 24, 2009
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    1
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