[Round 3] 2. ShadowWarriorfs(2-0) vs 9. Muti(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 13, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
    LINE LIMIT: Minimum of 16 lines, Maximum of 64
    ** NO RECYCLING, NO EXCEPTIONS **
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    •If granted, the extension will override deadline for both participants extending it for no more than 24 hours
    •CHECK-INS are encouraged, but not required
    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
    •A failure to show will result in a loss and a sign out by default. A no show in the tourney will result in elimination.
    •If your opponent fails to show, you MUST STILL post AT LEAST 4 lines (4-15) AND 3 voting links in order to claim victory. A failure to post voting links will result in a loss.
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    VOTING


    VOTES DUE: Every Monday @ 8:59 PM PST

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    •EACH link NOT POSTED will result in a 1 vote DEDUCTION
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    Any changes must be agreed upon by both participants and cleared by a moderator

    MODERATORS ARE LAW OF THE LAND
    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Joined:
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    test
  3. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
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    test
  4. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    756
    The sun beams lightly, reflecting through the screen door
    I’m feeling mighty, waiting for my lady to come from the store
    Her Spanish speaking mother, all smiles it seems
    Expecting another, told me it came from her dreams
    I couldn’t comprehend, no comprendo mi madre
    She just kept saying the happiest she ever been today
    Her broken English, with my patience I kept convos short
    Between us, without any fuss she always showed support
    She loved me but I knew why because of her daughter
    Every time I would visit she would give me a glass of water
    I had to ask her again, qué pasa? She said nino
    With my limited Spanish skills, I didn’t know where to go
    At that moment my lady walked in, notice my expression
    Started crying, before I could even ask a question
    What’s wrong? With no answer she ran upstairs
    Left me sitting with a look of concern and care
    Her mother was in shock, I’m just confused
    She came back down stairs, out came the truth
    She was pregnant not by me but another man
    That is when my life started sinking slow like quicksand

    Every time I fought and struggled, my life dipped lower
    It started with a drink, weed, and then ecstasy. I was the party goer
    I wanted to forget my past, so I did anything that could replace it
    Moved out of state, down to the dirty so I didn’t have to face it
    How could she do it? No need to prove it
    It was already on the table, so screw it
    14 shots of tequila, 2 blunts and a long island
    Went with the first girl I noticed smiling
    Passed out naked, then came breakfast in bed
    Not sure what happened, didn’t ask she reminded me instead
    Seven days of sexual desire, all she wanted to do is please
    7 days later, had bumps on my penis they called it herpes
    A disease I couldn’t escape from, still couldn’t understand
    Another man’s baby, now this..Every struggle sinks you lower
    In quick sand!
    Now only if I have gave my life to the Lord
    Surrounded myself with believers on one accord
    Uplifting is all I really needed
    Instead sunken in quick sand, feeling defeated
    Mistreated and abused, losing was the only way
    Never would of won especially being lost where I stayed
    I returned from the gutter, with a new look
    Changed my life once I got into the Holy book
    Gave me direction, guidance on how to live
    If I wanted to love, then love is what I give
    I’ll never judge others; God will do that for man
    Jesus gave me a life line that brought me out of my quicksand



    topic Quick Sand
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  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    The Hunter


    James Bryant was known as “The Ghost Hunter”
    A proud man, full of passion and thunder
    Many would wonder why he choose this path
    He was a smart man who enjoyed a good laugh
    Perhaps it was the thrills or to fulfill his curiosity
    Which also fueled his anger and animosity
    “But why?” people would ask as James stood silently
    He smiled exposing a face that glowed vibrantly
    Most came to accept that James would keep quiet
    But I knew there was more; his eyes were ready to riot
    Yet they were cold, his eyelids began to quiver with pain
    Yet he continued, hoping his heart could handle the strain

    I did research and found Tony and Tonya Bryant’s history
    Father dead while mom’s whereabouts were still a mystery
    Tony Bryant was killed shortly after Tonya’s disappearance
    The article began to elaborate on a ghostlike appearance
    That James claimed he heard his father speaking to
    He asked about Tonya and why she was “seeking you”
    The figure was silent and after a flash of light
    Tony was dead, the image vanishing into the night
    From that moment James swore to find that ghost
    Wanting answers, hoping to kill it once possessing a host
    Things started making sense, James wanted revenge
    Closely following the trail addicted to this binge

    James received a tip about an apparition headed south
    A superstition that it was lurking in his parent’s house
    James returned that night, scared and a little nervous
    Opening the door quietly but with purpose
    The floorboards squeaking, the rooms in chill
    He walked into the living room, limbs now still
    He felt heavy breaths on his neck, whispers in his ear
    Turning, he watched as the ghost was drawing near
    Blurry at first but suddenly it’s face was clear
    It was his grandmother who delightfully released a tear
    James’ throat dries while mustering the courage to speak
    “Why?” James cries out, as her smile grew bleak
    She said that Tony was abusive to her daughter
    Beaten with fists until her eventual slaughter
    Severing her limbs and burying them in separately
    A twisted recipe so she sought revenge desperately
    James in shock while she reached for his cheek
    She began humming, the room filled with heat
    James looked up, her face different from before
    Filled with anger stating that his death would even the score
    “You resemble Tony “ she said lifting James into the air
    She snapped James’ neck, laughing at his cold stare
    She suddenly vanished while his body hit the floor
    I watched from the shadows, trembling to my core
    James found his answers but in a costly way
    He was no longer “The Hunter” but the prey…

    [​IMG]

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  6. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    13,681
    Muti - I don't know how you made it this far, but you're just out classed as a writer. You use punctuation which is supposed to create a break or pause in the flow, however you do it for no reason. You have single syllable rhymes that are forced. The random incorporation of Spanish didn't do anything to help your verse. Also if you want someone to connect to a character don't build some awkward dialogue of them describing a lack of communication with some old spanish woman and how they exchange 3 words while the main effect going on is the relationship of him and his "lady", also don't call a main character "my lady" and expect that character to be one people connect to as it's very impersonal. From there the story becomes even more rushed with how you start partying hard but end up with the same chick for a week who gives you herpes and then you find God? I'm happy to say I won't have to read the garbage you throw together anymore in this tourney. Adios compadre. Cuando vas a entender alguna idioma, puedes escribir en la idioma.

    Shadow - This story sucked. You obviously knew you didn't have to come with much and well, that's exactly what you did. The development was blah at best. The rhyme scheme and flow was awkward. The way you introduced the character absolutely sucked. You're supposed to set the tone, build into why he's searching for the ghost, and then hit us with your climax...but there was never a climax to this verse. It was just another blah way of doing an incompetent horror verse.

    vote = Shadow.
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  7. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Muti - i thought you started off well with your first stanza, but after that it really lost steam. you rushed most of it. even the first stanza, you spent time opening up and introducing the main character and his mother in law, but once his girl comes in, you sped up. she goes upstairs crying, you're shocked, she comes back down. you coulda skipped her going upstairs, or followed her up. then it just gets really rushed. he starts partying, doing drugs, fucks a chick, gets herpes. all within like 12 lines. you need to work on slowing your verse down, which is a problem i have as well. also, lol, i knew this would end up with religion before i even got midway through the second stanza.

    Shadow- i thought this was a cool story, right up until the end. even if he looked like his father, thats his grandmother, she wasnt going to just kill him like that, for no real reason. that part really stuck out to me as a problem. up until that though, this was a pretty good read. rhymes were pretty weak, but you did enough to win


    vote- shadow
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  8. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
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    muti.
    i like the topic you chose, and i won't go in at you for the basic rhymes as gl did. but i will say this - most of your rhymes were basic dude. screens, seems, door, store, etc. but it was a good story and moved with nice pace.

    shadow.
    i liked and enjoyed the vocab you used here, but at times you overused the same words in excess, perfect example was "yet" using it twice at the start of two consecutive lines. but as far as the rest was concerned, no complaints about a cohesive story.

    my vote.
    shadow.

    :numaan:
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  9. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    6,230
    vote - shads.

    shads - Many would wonder why he choose this path
    He was a smart man who enjoyed a good laugh
    would've have actually worked perfectly as just 'enjoyed a laugh'. the inclusion of good was utterly unnecessary, it ruined the rhythm of the line and was just pointless description. he wouldn't enjoy a bad laugh would he? i know it's a common phrase. but it just really jarred with me. also that line about the grandmother 'delightfully released a tear'. seemed completely unnecessary to throw in the delightfully. to be honest i found the whole piece a bit of a chore to read through. it was just utterly bland and i couldn't get into it in the slightest. some of the rhymes were so predictable that i started reading them in a beastie boys style.

    muti - i fucking loved your first line. which in my head i immediately changed the couplet to 'The sun beams lightly, reflecting through the screen door
    I’m feeling mighty, lightly reeling from this dream score'. not sure why, but i liked that, you should've used that as your opening couplet. it all went to shit after the first line though. honestly had some trouble finishing the verse. my mind started to wander so i'm not entirely sure what was going on. but what i did grasp, i didn't like. the build up to the religion part was thumbs down. basically just not a fan.
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  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Shadow Win 4-0
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  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Shadow wins 4-0
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