[Round 3] 1. T.a.C(2-0) vs 10. Nu`maaN(1-1)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 13, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
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    AIM NAMES
    T.a.C- thedude8125
    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
    test
  2. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Running from my problems like a track meet
    After High School I moved back east
    Left my life in San Francisco for Montclair
    Living in New Jersey, finally feeling I belong there
    Met my future wife right before I graduated
    The most beautiful girl, I became instantly infatuated
    She pushed me to be better
    I opened a business in December
    Knowing I’d never regret her
    I met her parents and asked to wed her
    After the honeymoon she started to gain girth
    And then September 13, 1999, she gave birth

    I hadn’t been home since, a little home sick
    I bought three plane tics without giving notice
    I’d surprise my parents for my son’s 2nd birthday
    They hadn’t had the chance to see him in the first place
    Our flight would leave for SF at 8 in the morning
    At the airport there were signs, but I missed the warning
    I seen men acting strange as the crew prepared the flight
    Figuring it was nothing, they were just scared of heights


    We board, sitting in a long delay on the run way
    Trying to keep my son entertained, make this fun, “hey
    Remember seeing that plane playing in the yard
    That’s going to be us…soon that’ll be where we are”
    Not sure he’s understanding, sitting, I wonder, can he
    Grasp the concept I’m handing, or does he just want candy

    Finally, the planes able to take off, laying back, relaxing
    45 minutes seems like 45 seconds, as quick as times passing
    I look over to see my son napping
    Heard a scream, whats happening?
    Someones ear must have popped, laying back, she
    Runs down the aisle screaming, followed unhappily
    By all of those in first class seats, screaming and gasping
    Followed by a buff Muslim dude, holding a knife, grasping
    Over the loud speaker, a voice comes through in broken English
    “You be free when your government meets our grievance
    We’re going back to airport, just stay calm”
    Fear burning me up inside like napalm
    Hearing surprise in people’s voice as they call
    Their families tell them what happened, religious folks say Psalms
    Passing on the news, knowing they lied
    We’d be part of an attack, we’re going to die
    Passengers coming together, becoming allies
    Suddenly my death flashes before my eyes
    I look over to my son, still sleeping peacefully
    Thinking back to yesterday when he smiled gleefully
    My mind drifts to the people at the building we’ll hit
    Not knowing where it is, wondering if they’ll feel shit
    Or die on impact, their kids will not realize
    The cause of where the drama lies, they’ll jus be traumatized
    Talking to other passengers about how we might act
    We gotta fuck their plan up, we gotta fight back
    We’re going to die, but we can save lives
    We can do the right thing, not doing it to be brave guys
    I kiss my son on the forehead, hugging him tight
    Then give one last kiss to the love of my life
    Then we charge the cock pit, its time to stop this
    Trying to break though and kill the fags who caused it
    Trying to disrupt us, turning the plane back and forth
    But their attempts were useless, we had the force
    Feeling the door budge, getting closer to break it down
    I hear one of the men say, “Okay, Just take it down”


    They were supposed to be martyrs, but were vaginal cowards
    We we’re the martyrs, the heros, stopping evil in our final hour

    My death flashed before my eyes
    test
  3. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

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    test
  4. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    test
  5. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
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    ode to winter.

    [​IMG]

    should i take kobain route, and blow my brains out?
    coz this darkness above, started off as gray clouds,
    gradually they formed, took over summer days warmth,
    the slumber lazed yawns in the morning, no storms,
    days were fun, when we were young, even time bailed on us,
    counting the stars to sleep, until the skies hailed on us,
    disdain, bringing this rain, frisk and abrupt,
    it was once clear skies, remember as kids we'd get up,
    early morn of everyday, watch cartoons in the sun,
    smiling young gums, not knowing gloom was to come,
    but the doom had overcome, my elder brother passed,
    i was six, he was sick, father held my mother fast,
    distant memories remain of jermaine in the head,
    hung frames of pain, the rest? the bear that he'd left,
    that i kept and wept, but was never quiet the same,
    now i fright the sane so come dare, bite my pain.

    kill them he whispered, get em in their sleep,
    drill them with blisters then skin them real deep,
    they're planning another holiday, this coming school break,
    they'll murder you like they did me, had me running to the lakes,
    listen Jake, this not fake, i am your brother fool,
    now go and kill my murderers, father and mother, too,
    what you do is wait for them to go to sleep at night,
    be very quiet, they'll fright .. so don't creep in light,
    but when in sight, the kitchen knives should go straight in the throat,
    then take them to the shore and throw them over the boat,
    leave them afloat, lightning shall strike them with fear,
    don't be scared, i exist, but remember i'm only a bear.


    i've travelled amongst the wind, and collided with clouds.
    chanted anthems of the doomed, arrived with the louts,
    my life delight in despair, i regret that dreaded night,
    now i'm a passionate shepherd, trying to keep my head on tight,
    so i put the pain in paintings, provoke gore with my folk lore,
    and draw with the art of war, the night at the oceans shore,
    i was sure that the bear had told me to bring the pain,
    but now the bear no longer lives, just the voice remains,
    write with pens that are mightier than swords of the vanquished,
    no language, could ever fucking capture my anguish,
    i lie far from the truth, cloaked in death and deceipt,
    i'll die hard, ruthless, loot my breath, no receipt,
    they say a picture is worth a thousand words, you heard?
    didn't need a thousand here to describe my life in words,
    should i take kobain route and just blow my brains out?
    .. fuck it, where's the gun? draw blood. pain. blow!

    all the best tee, votes will be up soon.

    :numaan:
    test
  6. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Joined:
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    TAC
    I liked the story, nicely delivered
    The rhymes flowed smoothly from start to finish
    The imagery was strong and emotional
    I could feel the sadness
    You captured a lot ofemotion of the good and the bad and
    Made the reader feel it too
    Nice job

    Nu’maaN
    A very nice verse, lovely rhymes mostly well placed
    A good story
    The flow was smooth and easy to read
    Your verse also had a lot of emotion
    I loved the first stanza

    Ok guys a very hard one for me this week, both have done a great job
    Both had a lot of emotion, tac had a fuller story,
    Nu’maaN had better rhymes
    Even though it is a story that has been told before, I like the emotion captured by tac

    Vote tac
    test
  7. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Joined:
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    Nu - this starts sloppy based on your grammar and mechanics. Should I take the route...essentially this piece starts out with a depressed writer and your images are there as are the rhymes, but there really is no development to this piece as it seems like it starts from the middle and goes to the end and thus the beginning never felt like a proper start.

    Tac - we we we, i i i...the constant repetition in how you start your lines is overly redundant. You use this as a defense mechanism because you don't properly develop your story otherwise. The transitions were weak, the rhymes only slightly stronger. Not your best showing.

    both of these verses had glaring weaknesses.

    Tac had a more complete story from start to finish though.

    vote = Tac
    test
  8. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2002
    Messages:
    756
    T A C

    I thought your story was good..9-11 ish..I thought maybe you could of had your lady that you fellin love with a bit more in the story but here and there guess did what he needed to do..one part of your story had an interesting flow to it..reminded me of this guy around the way that use to free style a bit but anyway...good read..

    Nu'man

    I really like your writing skill, the flow..the rhyme scheme...at times basic like mine but with just enough to be just above basic. the story itself was decent.. thought of humor when he said he was just a bear. all in all your mechanics are nice but the story was nothing special..

    my vote TAC storytelling was a bit better to me..****cent battle
    test
  9. billy nomates.

    billy nomates. rain cancels play.

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    vote - nu'maan.

    tac - running from my problems like a track meet. was such a horrid opener. but i am a massive stickler for similes. if they aren't impeccable they just make me cringe. gain girth seemed really awkward to me and just an obvious set up for gave birth. 'I hadn’t been home since, a little home sick' was really really good. the imagery created by it was subtle but beautiful. the emotion was perfectly judged. 'Grasp the concept I’m handing' also seemed a bit awkward. 'I seen men acting strange as the crew prepared the flight
    Figuring it was nothing, they were just scared of heights' i seen men. no no no. also from that point on it just played out so predictably that i wanted it to end far before it did. your use of tense is also really confusing. 'Trying to break though and kill the fags who caused it' kill the fags? utterly immature and unneeded. felt the same about 'vaginal cowards'. over all it was pretty simple writing with some biting flaws. however your use of enjambment has greatly improved.

    nu - i felt the writing was just on a higher level than tacs. the story wasn't particularly brilliant. it's cobain by the way. not kobain. the basic rhythm of the piece was good and evenly judged throughout most of the lines. i really liked 'counting the stars to sleep, until the skies hailed on us' thought it was a very nice image. and really helped bring me further into your piece. thought the middle stanza was mostly waffle and completely misjudged. other than to tie into the fact there was a bear in the picture. oh, bear and fear are definitely only eye rhymes and really made me go why the fuck would you do that? i think the whole thing would've been much stronger had you actually just ditched the second act altogether. that aside the third was actually pretty good. no language, could ever fucking capture my anguish,. the fucking was utterly unneeded. i find profanity in verses for the most part utterly devoid of point. well, like any words i guess. didn't think it was needed there. over all though the level of writing was what got you the vote from me. and not having such a tedious cliché story.
    test
  10. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    T.a.C. - The first half of this verse was weird with the quick lines that seems to be missing things to me. It felt like filler in an anime tbh. your first two lines didn't rhyme at all. As you progressed, things started to get better. However, when you started your last section, you became very redundant. Not sure why you worded those first two lines like that. As you progressed, you wrote better and it became interesting. My problem with this piece wasn't the story but the inconsistent of your delivery. You were good in points but very off in others and it was random with it. You need to be more consistent in your stories brah


    Nu - I wasn't crazy about the the story but i've done similar so i can't hate too much lol. The delivery and rhymes were solid. I thought the story was enjoyable and consistent. I've always been a fan of your work and despite this being lower than your normal pieces of work, it was still a solid performance. I just really like you rhyming here. Although, there wasn't as much imagery as i usually read from your piece, it was still good


    V/ Nu' for his consistency
    test
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    T.a.C up 3-2
    test
  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    T.a.C wins 3-2
    test
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