Round 2 : Jai-Z Vs. PERTAiN2LiFE (PERT Wins)

Discussion in 'RSTL Grudge Matches and Tournaments' started by Lucifa, Nov 10, 2008.

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  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    19,109
    test
  2. Jai-Z

    Jai-Z Bangem, Jai

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
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    6,262
    Im here. Posting later on today.
    test
  3. PERTAiN2LiFE

    PERTAiN2LiFE sheesh the rapper

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2003
    Messages:
    176
    [​IMG]

    It's a cold November day, the leaves show signs of fall
    I sit on a bench in the park wasting no time at all
    Burn a roach right there, in open air because I'm board
    It doesn't take long to be confronted by a whore
    "Anything you want.." How about I want you to leave?
    "How about I make you cum?" How about you get a degree?
    "i do, in dick sucking 101" This bitch is testing my patients
    Relentless, "Come on hunny, just make reservations"
    No, "Come on" Shut up trick, you make me sick.
    "Fuck me!" The only way I'd fuck you is with Magic's dick

    I left her standing there and headed to a corner spot
    Copped a Heineken and dutch, about to burn this pot
    When...lookie lookie, who do we have standing there
    This bitch.."Fuck me, spank me, pull my hair"
    How about this..I'm not too sure your sex game is ill
    You front the room and if I'm satisfied, I'll flip the bill

    She agreed and indeed we rolled up into this motel
    I twisted this blunt, she soaked her cunt, hope it don't smell
    High as hell, watching Platoon on the cable box
    She exited the bathroom in a pretty little lace thing, crazy hot
    She approached me, kneeling between my thighs
    Between you and I, as soon as I skeet, I'm out, no peace, no goodbye,
    she unbuckles my pants, as my manhood started to dance
    She swallows me whole like Moby dick, holy shit she got some hands
    My eyes spin like slot machines, I fall back on the bed
    Skull fucking her face, I'm talking, attacking her head
    I pull her ontop of me, she giggles, as i fiddle with her bra
    I feel something wiggle in the middle but nah
    I push her off of me, "You okay?" Yeah, fine and all that
    She kisses me hard, the irony is I reach and feel ball sack
    I jump up quick, like what the fuck, this guy's a chick
    He proceeds to twist his nipples, "Just give it a couple licks"
    How the fuck did I get myself into this shit, I don't believe
    All I do know is, no more chronic smoke for me
    She pats the bed, "Come back. I'm not finished with you.
    Besides, you have twenty minutes to come and get screwed
    Listen. I stopped pacing, as I find the right words to put this
    You have made my penis permanently crooked
    As she begins to cry, I begin to realize, I can take this fool
    I wait for the right moment. 1..2.. I make my move
    I smashed this dude... or chick, hitting them with a two piece combo
    She rolls off the bed and pulls out a piece like James Bond do
    "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER! NYPD!" Are you kidding me? "No..
    Just put your hands where I can see them twinkle toes"
    test
  4. Jai-Z

    Jai-Z Bangem, Jai

    Joined:
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    "Flying Like An Eagle"

    Quick Key

    I've transcended
    Flying Like An Eagle with wings extended
    Catching the breeze, and never letting go when I've gripped it
    From the soul of the body, to an outer body experience
    Mind over matter, no matter if gravity's conceiled it
    It don't matter, I'm soaring now, towering over clouds
    My mind can not be bound, I'm standing higher than the pitcher's mound

    And I wont come down...

    As I leave my feet
    The air between me and the ground's increasing rapidly
    It adapts to me
    As I grow mentally, it further descends my thoughts
    Into a serenity filled with an overdosage of plots

    So that I can't stop..

    The infinte possibilty's
    Are more beautiful than melodies, trapped in poetic streams
    Quite simply, I'm "Flying Like An Eagle" lurkin'
    Coasting through buildings and perching on churches
    Can't reach the ceiling, its lower than my standards
    So I'll keep my head higher, than Vlad The Impaler

    Whatever. Wasn't feeling these topics.
    test
  5. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    up above locked threads and for votes .. will vote myself later ..
    test
  6. coil grimely

    coil grimely Tears textcees to tidbits

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    980
    well...
    p2l was def' on point this week.
    the imagery, wordplaying, rhyme scheme, the concept
    ...all WELL above average display

    jai'z was a bit mediocre IMO. it shows that you werent feeling the topic.
    i like the structure. your usage of words in some areas was strong and well executed.

    p2l was the more enjoyable read that showed the most creativeness and effort.

    vote - P2L
    test
  7. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    eh,

    p2l. the flow started off fairly well. i'm not a fan of the narration though, or the what you're narrating rather in this script. the beginning is related in a very unrealistic manner imo and without much art or reason to it thus far. the wording or choices of words that you used sounds like some pre-teens fantasy of what a sexual situation might be like. it definitely doesn't sound like either character is truly high. the opening line/couplet was decent. good to begin with a solid description of the setting. but from there i was bothered by the story. bored was spelled wrong. the sporadic use of quotations was distracting. sometimes you used them and most of the time you didn't when all of the time you should have. second section seems more realistic along the lines of being high and agreeing to have sex with such a submissive woman, and yet the meeting between the two is still hard to believe in. i mean, unless these were prostitutes, which i doubt being that i believe you state she picks up the bill for the room, then this is very far-fetched. i can only hope that it leads to some ending that makes sense of it all. also, the first section thus far just seems so unneccessary in relation to the second and adds to the unrealistic factor, like why would he so consistently turn down a woman which it seems he would've known at least slightly better than the girl he actually does lay with. its hard to tell who says what in the meeting of the two but if she picks the bill then she's not a prostitute which leads the nypd twist to be very random. all in all its apparent you went for the comedic approach and yet i don't think it works in such a distorted story. especially when the underlying them of realizing that you've slept with the same sex is a bit uncreative and i don't think the set-up here was enough to negate that fact. the twist itself was all played out a bit stupid like why would he even beat the girl/guy up when he could just leave. i would've grabbed everything and ran the fuck out as quick as possible to get drunk or something and forget the entire night. instead he stands up, thinks it through, and then attacks the person? it also didn't add up to anything in the end, as far as each individual section. there should've been a motive or reason behind the connections and why you wrote what you did. overall i can say that the flow was pretty good and halfway realistic to the character that you created but i'm still not a fan of immature wording and whatnot. as for the story, i didn't dig it. seems as though you had no true focus and just kept writing with wording that's probably more closely related to how you would talk. the twisting nipples and whatnot was good and yet disgusting imagery though, so that's a plus.

    jai. eh, luckily you weren't the first verse. i thought it was you the entire time i was breaking it down and then i go up to read the second verse and realize that you dropped second and had to switch the names. nevertheless, there were good things about this but as a whole it wasn't a story and it didn't add up. the random similes were also retarded. the poetic vibe was a plus for this though with no clear direction and had you lengthened it and gave it a definitive purpose, this would've been your match easily. i'm looking forward to reading more from you and when the round comes where i'm involved, trust that there will be better topics. i haven't even seen the topics but luc does trip at times when it comes to picking topics. anyway, this didn't leave much to really appreciate and for that you lose by default. next time, don't give up. its not really the topic, but the creativity of the writer and what he/she can do with the topic. any topic can create an epic if you envision it. giving up shows immaturity as a writer. at the same time, if you just had other shit to do then i understand. writing a story is a bit more time consumming than writing a verse for the rbl which is why i made the sudden switch when activity declined here and it was no longer fun for me.

    anyway, VOTE - P2L, though he didn't deserve it.
    test
  8. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    P2L - lol .. wtf? .. I dunno what's more fucked up .. the story or the fact you still referenced the character as "she" after revealing it was a man .. the story was a bit strange in itself but the conclusion was even stranger .. it left me wondering what the hell I missed for this to be someone that the police would dress a man as a woman to trap this way .. it just didn't make sense .. the writing wasn't too great and the conversational aspects were a touch confusing at moments .. it had some vulgar content and all with simple vocab .. all in all it was a crazy verse on a few levels ..

    Jai - meh .. submit topics and they will get used .. don't .. then screw you .. you can't complain ..

    Vote = P2L ..
    test
  9. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

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    Double Post*
    test
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