Round 2 : coil grimely Vs. Soull (coil Wins)

Discussion in 'RSTL Grudge Matches and Tournaments' started by Lucifa, Nov 10, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    test
  2. coil grimely

    coil grimely Tears textcees to tidbits

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    980
    I spent just over an hour on this project, being eager to make up for last week.
    The Idea was to compile multiple Topics that coincide with each other.
    I tried. This is a finished product.


    Don't Be Afraid
    Awaken sleepy-head. you've been in dream world for quite sometime now.
    ..you can't see or hear me, for your blind-fold covers over your eyebrows
    time now to stop the hollering, i DO NOT want to hear you cry aloud
    therefore i will leave you remaining hog-tied on floor as you're laying down
    you're trying now to escape, struggling to understand the situation
    scared and gasping for air, losing your breath, depleting your resporation
    you can't take the suspense, now your body trembles and begins shaking
    slowly taking my steps toward you-are frightened from the feeling of vibrations
    take a moment and say your final prayers, for this is the chosen day
    the day that will be remembered as when you first inhabit the grave
    pick-ing up the nearest shap instrument in my hand, over my head raised
    calm as ever before i begin the horrid stage...
    tenderly lifting the blind-fold, wispering in your ear ..."don't be afraid"

    Tell me, if you could ..Would you?

    ..it would've behooved you to do so, and now the truth shall set you free today
    i pause, asking why she cheated on me...
    over my shoulder i hear the lord's consoling.. telling me, "NOW. Don't be Afraid!"
    I AM NOT AFRAID.


    [​IMG]

    I, too, shall fear not!
    Jihad! this is my mission given unto me from my GOD ..praise him aloud!
    at any moment this device could detonate, as i parade through the crowd
    if i'm my father's son, then satan's proud ..i resemble his likeness
    ..as well as encourage-ing the stuggle, i so thrive for the fighting
    exciting as it may seem, this is all preporation for the greater truth
    Battle of the holliest of wars, amongst the fallen angels; Satan's troops
    vs God's people, present thru the youth in dialuted blood.. my viens it streams thu
    my aim, it seems to be of awakening the enemy, america is dreaming too
    ..It's time to awaken, it's time to awaken! its time to awaken!
    awake from your slumber, fall to a knee and bow to a new nation
    ...shall i perish from this world into another, that cannont harm me
    i too shall awaken, becoming strong and unshaken; to return with satan's army

    "If a billion people come to the realization and a decision that we no longer want this reality,
    it can literally change with the setting and the rising of the sun."


    It is High-noon, for all, its time to die soon ..beginning my detonation



    test
  3. Soull

    Soull New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2008
    Messages:
    506
    Is my opponent gonna show....?

    Quietly listening to engine settle down to a purr
    taking another sip of the liqour just to calm my nerves
    Jimmy had planned it all out, said it would be fine
    I kept that in my mind I went up to the line
    Steadied myself for what I was about to do
    Shrugged off feeble fear and waited for my cue
    Guy next to me quickly strode to the front hand in his coat
    In one smooth action he put the gun to the clerks throat
    Inspired by confidence? Never really felt like that
    Gut feeling that this wouldnt work right off the bat
    I just copied the others, though lacking composure
    Prayin to god this would work, wishin on my lucky clover
    The little niggling devil in the back of my mind saying "go ahead"
    So without another word I drew the gun level to his head
    The fear I had earlier experienced had now vanished
    And the feeling that replaced it was one of power I relished
    Bliss over the fear of a obedient human
    Even with the money in a bag I had no reason
    Filled with confidence I never had I strolled out the bank
    Threw the money in the trunk and climbed into the van
    The driver revved up the engine I felt liftedof a burden
    Then everything went wrong again... when I heard that siren
    The driver got cocky and scared, started swerving
    Everyone was scared shitless to state his bad driving
    One little bump on the road. Thats all it was.
    Its funny how when your flying time seems to pause
    A second later we were wrapped around the tree
    The whole van was fucked up and covered in debris
    Few cuts and bruises, I got off the lightest
    but I knew the others werent as lucky in the slightest
    Time slowed down for me to get out and observe the seen
    The mingling scent of death blurred with the smell of kerosene
    Still everything was going too fast to comprehend
    I knew there was no point. That was the end.
    The one thing I have left : no regrets, its funny
    How people always take that extra chance concerning money.


    "Tell me, if you could .. would you?"
    - Luc
    test
  4. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    up above locked threads for votes .. will vote myself later ..
    test
  5. PERTAiN2LiFE

    PERTAiN2LiFE sheesh the rapper

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2003
    Messages:
    176
    Vote - Coil

    First off, both of you came tight this week. Soull probably the best piece, battle/non battle I have seen from you so far.

    Other than that, I felt coil's concept and going back to his format (ha!), but he had a well thought out verse worded strongly.

    Soull, although good, wasn't worded as well as Coil's. But a huge improvement. Good job man.

    pz.
    test
  6. Lucifa

    Lucifa Viva La Eva

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2001
    Messages:
    19,109
    Coil - the writing style was a bit hit-n-miss for me .. it lacked on the mechanics with no real flow to pick up on in the read but the content in general was just good enough to make up for it .. offering an slightly entertaining read of a somewhat played subject matter .. your approach was neither here nor there for me though .. it wasn't fresh but it didn't really feel stale .. it wasn't all that interesting but then didn't bore me either .. a middle of the road piece IMO ..

    Soull - a more standard feel with the writing given the structure .. a fairly straight forward piece in terms of the approach to story telling .. however I felt this could have been more interesting .. it was a simple plot that could have been tackled with more flair .. more focus on the emotions would have helped as this left me feeling cold to the character with no connection to his reasoning and with the language used I really just went by the numbers of reading the story and not really caring about what I had read ..

    Vote = Coil .. this is pretty close .. I wasn't overly keen on Coil's longer lines and lack of mechanics .. but his story and character involvement just added enough to take the vote from me ..
    test
  7. Quriosity

    Quriosity Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2001
    Messages:
    25,850
    wow, flooded with grammatical errors and typos off the bat, can't say i miss doing this, but its refreshing to return and lend my opinions.

    coil. firstly, the flow is ridiculously off to begin. i've only read a couple lines at this time, but you're doing too much. could've split some of this lines up, tightened the flow, proofread, and made each line that much more meaningful. sometime should be split in this reference. should be a THE in on floor. laying down should be lying down. <-- this is all in the first four fucking lines. respiration is spelled wrong. the repetition of now is forced, unnecessary, and annoying. flow picks up slightly, either that or you grow used to it. the dashes are forced and the split of you-are which i assume we're supposed to read the you twice is a bad mechanical move in my opinion. the dash itself is a mechanical error in the sense that i assume you're trying to direct us through the rhythm in your head but its a complete failure because the syllabic rhythm is just not steady or consistent throughout thus far. you mix O's in where A's belong often i see, so i won't point out any more other than preparation is also spelled wrong. flow picks up in the second half, but still awkwardly strung together and there are still unneccessary dashes. more grammatical spelling errors throughout but i'm growing restless with the nitpicking. story wise, i think i missed something. starts as what seems to be a possible kidnapping script, then i get the sense that its a husband in the mist of murdering his wife who cheated which seems soooo cliche. next, you take a twist and throw in a religious war/jihad and all in all i'm just not adding it up in my head. first section was actually pretty good with descriptiveness though tying that into the art of telling a rhythmic story appears to be somewhat of a struggle. i especially dug the end of the first section in which it seems as though he's about to kill the captive. could've been much more descriptive but for what its worth i think this was definitely your bright spot. story lost focus from then on and you tried to hard to incorporate too many topics that just made the reality of the script seem shaky and forced to me. if not, then i clearly missed something because the picture and the jihad stuff just didn't seem to fit in with the wife cheating and killing a hog-tied, blindfolded captive. overall this was decent for a beginner. i'd say work on structure above all else and then work on the focus of your story and writer's voice.

    soull. man, the first line thrw me the fuck off. i literally want to discard this and just leave the thread. even if you don't proofread, the first line should at least always be flawless. you're missing a much needed THE before engine. moving on, punctuation is missing throughout and there are more errors that i don't wish to specifically point to because i'm bored with reading this already. as for flow, not only is it elementary but it's also off. at least if you have a simple rhyme structure, be as efficient as possible. there's no excuse for being off syllabically in end rhymes with lines so few in syllables. i mean, you damn near stopped rhyming towards the middle with the human/reason, bank/van, burden/siren, and swerving/driving. overall the progression was thorough but what was actually progressing was very uninteresting. i challenge you to think of an original script. the just of this just seemed so cliche. the twist towards the end was hardly enough to save what was already a ruined script due to mechanics and bad choice of story. the twist or crash was also hardly as exciting or thrilling as the description of an actual crash should've been. neither was it descriptive enough to still the show. instead, you carried on in the same basic fashion and just pointed out that there was a crash and that he did it all for money. all in all i wasn't digging this. i'd suggest studying other stories from experienced writers, honestly. you need A LOT of work to the structure and mechanics. the cliche concepts can work given a perfect showing from everything else. but, once you have upped your game in those areas, focus on telling not only an original story or more original than this, but also an interesting story and in a creative and/or descriptive and captivating manner.

    overall, this match was weak. i would definitely not say that either of you came TIGHT. at the same time, it was someone even matched on different accords. both suffered from different weaknesses and yet the struggles were evenly measured. i think coil showed much stronger writing skills, but at the same time i find it very hard to vote on him when it almost felt like 2 completely different stories with neither being complete or fulfilling. soull told a complete story but in a basic fashion. all 3 stories were a bit unoriginal but i'd say soull's approach and concept where the worst. but at the same time, he told a story with a definitive character and plot. coil bounced around and never really developed a character or a definitive back story. he tried to hard to connect topics that jus didn't connect in his script and for that, i think he lost a match that he should've won.. in my opinion rather because from the looks of it, he'll win. with that said,

    VOTE - SOULL
    test
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

Users Viewing Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 0)