[Round 2] 6. Vern Acular(1-0) vs 9. Mrjdm998(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 6, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008


    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
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    •Verses MUST incorporate AT LEAST 1 of the provided topics or pictures
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    T.a.C- thedude8125
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  2. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

    Jan 23, 2011

    You are the first to discover proof that there is a God, or Not a God.

    It'd been five years in the making, this expedition
    After I moved out to Israel finding proof of god was my next ambition
    Me and a small team digging around Jesus' place of death
    Attempting to find proof that it's really where he was laid to rest
    Three months of digging discovered nothing
    But a few days ago we uncovered something
    Thirty feet under his tomb we'd uncovered a chamber
    Containing an ancient set of Roman containers
    Cracking the first open, only dusty robes
    Two more prised apart and we found nothing close
    To being proof of what we look to know
    I told the others I'd look tonight they can up and go
    Moving all the crates revealed a smaller box beneath
    Containing a transcript of somebodys thoughts or speech
    I opened the scroll slowly and started reading
    And within' seconds I could hardly believe it
    The paper's dated two days before Jesus' last
    And it seems hurridly written on a piece of scrap
    It contains details of every miracle performed and how he did it
    Some containing diagrams plans graphs and digits
    Unraveling the whole thing out also dropped a confession
    Of how if this was all revealed so many would lose faith and enter depression
    It didn't even seem like he lied just to be remembered through time
    It reads like it was just to help the people around him and improve lives
    My first thoughts jumped to exposing this
    And laugh as all religion folds and quits
    But soon they turned to how people would react
    If everything there live's based on was ripped up to scraps
    Do I believe in god? Well no I never have
    But for some people god's the only friend they've ever had
    Slowly and surely, I put it back to where it was found
    And pushed it away from me back in ground
    So even though I'll know there's nothing above
    It's better millions live a lie than lose what they've come to love​
  3. Vern Acular

    Vern Acular 12x RSTL Champ

    Oct 10, 2001
    The HORROR Chronicles
    Vol. 1

    She feeds as the sunsets and the moon bleeds in the sky
    A new thirst quenched…sadness is seen in her eyes
    From Greece to the haunted depths of the Black Sea she resides
    A nomad, it’s so sad, seeing her, she’s been deprived
    In this demon disguise for thousands of years…the alpha of fear
    The Greek Lamia lays heart broken in a house full of tears
    She lost her only love from the point of the Alderman’s spear
    An eastern European myth once hidden but now it appears
    A cloud of severe smoke from the mountains come near
    As the Carpathian peaks, leak blood as the child reappears
    She takes the form a gypsy singing a powerful cheer
    This is the day she betrays Vlad, her innocents allows her to jeer
    With her overpowering fleer, she prepares in her woman state
    Perfecting her walk, her talk, and the sounds that a woman makes
    She prepares the sacred relics water and wooden stakes
    She cooks and bakes the garlic and pours it inside the bullet blanks
    She shouldn’t wait, but she has to, cause when she gets to the castle
    If it seems to abrupt or soon, the moon may give her a hassle
    So she waits….as the clock ticks every minute the axles
    And the gears grind, her tears fly, she remembers the shackles

    Remember when he attacked you her conscience ignited memories
    That lasted twice a century, she said it's like he's killing me
    And instantly the warmth of the blood on her tongue sensually
    Created a rush, that must’ve been the reason to her energy
    She bit her teeth into her wrist, and started bleeding from her lips
    She started screaming as a demon started feeding on her...it
    Was unbelievably intense...her neck pulsating from punctures
    Vlad snuck up from behind her, then he raped her and fucked her
    A seed was planted... in her womb was a baby that suffered
    Through child birth...the DNA manipulated it’s structure
    It had the face of it’s mother, but with the fangs of her lover
    So full of hate she discovered she couldn't wait til he suffered
    So to this day she would hover over Transylvania lands
    Wit the blood of her mother still flowing through the base of her hands
    She stays to the plan, stands and she ran to the castle door
    With a wooden stake, she plans to stick into his ass with force
    And that’s in the literal sense, she picks up her shit and grabs the floor
    She preys for a minute then says...he’s gonna get what he asking for
    An act of war….she moves in with plans to seduce him
    But her plans are shattered, I mean hell…he’s the man of illusion
    He sneaks up behind her, grabs her then fathoms confusion
    As she disappears in mid air and then that’s the conclusion
    It goes black and the music plays, the mood gets gray the hope is over
    Dracula dies, that’s a surprise, here’s lies a moments closure
    He killed her mother, she kills him...the typical roller coaster
    And with out further ado, she snaps his neck….the show is over​
  4. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

    Jul 28, 2011
    these were both pretty good pieces here

    I really liked how you kept the interest through ambiguity, not being direct to the point of it almost seeming mystery story-ish. In some spots it seemed sorta of unflowy, but after reading again i think i got yer style, the rhymes were good, this was a fairly cerebral, psychological type piece, very nice imagery with the opener setting, and i liked how it ended, not the typical trangression in most people's minds, but yea, although slightly it was good in the concept sense,

    I hate vampire shit, i think it's played out and stupid, but, you put a sort of nice twist on it, although, that's basically a female version of blade...anyway... the imagery, flow, rhymes, everything "lyrical"-wise, was completely and totally on point, i think this could make a pretty nice audio, but, the progression of the story is so done though...

    So close, but, I'm going to have to give this one to...
    Vote: Mrjdm
  5. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
    Mrj - This wasn't all that appealing to me. The spelling was sloppy and the rhymes were ok. The flow was pretty good but the whole story wasn't that entertaining. There was no connection. It felt like reading a documentary. The conflict the character felt was nice but it wasn't enough.

    Vern - Cool story Vern, I too wasn't a fan of Vampire story but this was a better written story. The flow seemed a bit choppy to me in places everything else was pretty solid. The story developed nicely and was entertaining. It seems like you kind of rushed this tho.

    V/ Vern, His story was better written and more entertaining
  6. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Dec 23, 2002

    good verse...story was decent...flowed well...stayed on topic and the ending was good. some people do feel this way so it has some realness feel to it. I woudl rather you went into a bit more detail in what you found but still decent verse..


    Yeah the skills are really nice to read...your flow and the detail you use from line to line is great..very nice imagery and to me some humor involved in this as well. the story almost made me feel as if this was a play on stage. great verse

    my vote Vern...more complete story and more detail
  7. PhilaTit

    PhilaTit Well-Known Member

    Jul 5, 2010
    Good battle

    Mrj - I felt your verse was fairly basic but the moral and closer completely made a strong impact. The storytelling was also done well, it could of probably progressed better but that missing factor didn't necessarily ruin it.

    Vern - Very solid verse I can tell you put work into it. Not much to say except great job and you'll win this whole thing I'm sure.

    Vern, I was expecting Mrj to win this tourney but was pleasantly surprised.
  8. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

    Aug 3, 2005
    vote = Vern.

    MR - this started out slow and never really progressed. The whole piece felt forced and unnatural in both the way it was delivered and how you developed the verse. It was a chore to get into and I felt detached throughout it.

    Vern - so for me, this is a Vern phones it in type of verse. I've seen you truly delve into some deep twisted horror type of things and this missed the mark. A lot of your wording was incredibly cliche and predictable. It just wasn't up to the standard that I'm accustomed from you.
  9. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

    Mar 10, 2004
    A short, but good story.
    Nice clear imagery from start to finish
    The rhymes here where a little average to me
    The flow was fine,
    I suggest you get someone to proof read before you post.
    I know it is too easy to miss things yourself, I know I do.
    I felt like I needed more to pull me like a twist or something
    Good drop though

    Your rhymes were nicely done
    The story was good and had good imagery to carry through to the end, there were parts
    In there that broke the flow for me.
    And I got a little confused at the last part, maybe names would have help me as the read to
    Visualize the images better.

    Wow this is hard one guys you both have put a lot into it.
    Both are good stories, nice rhymes and good imagery
    I just found that even though Mrjdm
    Could have pull more emotion out of the reader,
    And vern could have made the story clear with identifiers
    For more complete story
    Vote Vern
  10. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Aug 27, 2005
    it's hard enough to re write your username, what the hell does it even mean> where's the vowels bruh? anyway, to your piece - nicely executed, but it could've been alot better. it doesn't make sense for you to search for the answers for three entire months and when you do, you just discard it as you don't want those with faith to not lose it. i loved the concept but as a person searching for answers, you should've exposed it and then that would've opened an entire different story within the story. all in all though, very enjoyable.

    it's a shame i got to face you first up, your rhymes are very solid and flow is on point most of the times. not once did i lose my flow reading it. and i don't like vampire stories either but that is not to take away from the strength of your rhyming skills and how you select words wisely to move the story forward. well done.

    my vote.
    i want to give it to mrjdm, coz vern beat me last week but i can't - vote goes to vern.

  11. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008
    MRJ - I read your topic and after Coup and your discussions in the lounge thread i thought for sure you were going about exposing God/religion as being a fraud to the world. so i was surprised that your character kept his discovery to himself. I liked that you went that direction though. Otherway would have been too predictable. I cant wait to see Coup's vote on this though. lol. Mechanically sound verse. Not really much to complain about. good job.

    Vern - yeah, add me to the list of people who arent into vampire shit, but this was done really well. man, i know i say it every week, but your rhymes are fuckin awesome. the flow of this verse/all your verses are tight. so far this is my favorite verse i've read, but there was a couple lines i didnt like. the raped her and fucked her line was one of them. obviously if he raped her he fucked her. but overlooking that this was great. good job.

    vote - Vern.

    another really close match.
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

    Apr 11, 2004
    Vern win 5 to 0
  13. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

    Feb 25, 2008
    Vern wins 2-0
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