[Round 2] 5. Fairydance2000(1-0) vs 10. Muti(1-0)

Discussion in 'The Rapmusic Storytelling/Topical League' started by Tacky Jones, Sep 6, 2011.

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  1. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    [​IMG]

    VERSUS DUE: Every Friday @ 11:59 PM EST
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    ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
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  2. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
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    I wish you well
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  3. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

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    thank you , and I you.
    test
  4. Muti

    Muti I just write

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    test
  5. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

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    test
  6. fairydance2000

    fairydance2000 don't wait, Procrastinate

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    [​IMG]
    White Death
    The late 1800’s white death fills the air
    Tuberculosis is rampant, the economy in disrepair
    The number of deaths increases each day
    People dying or dead the smell of rancid decay
    Waverly hills sanatorium was quickly erected
    To house the insane and then the infected
    In their attempts to control and cure the white death
    Hundreds would perish and be laded to rest
    Even the workers were not safe from the plague
    How many had been infected, the documents vague
    But one of the nurses who had worked the fifth floor
    Has a story told by her family and it seems to endure
    The test of time and is still told today
    About a conscientious nurse and her final days
    Nurse Emily Scott was like a fresh breeze
    Tending the sick that had Sercombe to the decease
    Her smiling face and her happy demeanor
    Calmed the sick and the schizophrenia
    She would play the piano that was in the game room
    Tickling the ivories and tapping out a tune
    Well respected by everyone she had care for
    Even the depraved isolated on the fifth floor
    To everyone’s dismay on a cold solemn day
    Nurse Scott took her life using a surgical knife
    The truth may have been twisted and a little hazy
    The story goes she was rape buy a patient and was expecting a baby
    The labels attached to an unwed mother
    Would bring shame and rumors one after another
    While trapped in the morbid depths of despair
    She took her life while reciting the Lord’s Prayer
    Over 100 Years have now past the sanatorium empty
    Stories are told and rumors a plenty
    Lights would shine from the windows late at night
    Strange noises emanating from Waverly Hill's burial sight
    More time has passed and so the story is told
    People would visit and hope to behold
    The ghosts that are said the walk through the halls
    A woman that plays the piano and passes through walls
    The notes of the music swirled through the air
    Many people have heard it they search for answers that are not there
    They continue to come to hopefully witness the apparition
    A glance of the nurse or hear her musical composition
    Waverly hills still stands empty today
    People continue to flock there in hope to hear nurse Scott play

    test
  7. Muti

    Muti I just write

    Joined:
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    The greenest grass grown, in-between four streaming rivers
    Spoke into existence, without resistance carefully delivered
    Created with agape love, such tenderness came with perfection
    Only could smile when completed, known to be done with affection
    Free to roam, and could partake in every desire but one
    Giving authority over every living thing, being that he was the first son
    A tree filled with fruits, others would match its taste
    Living without a care in the world, only if he kept his faith
    Paradise for one, able to name and describe every living creature
    Just imagine being the only student, with God as your teacher
    To look towards the sky, where heaven was your limitation
    Imagine your perfect scene, better than any Caribbean vacation
    The Spirit hovering over the waters of the earth
    Accompanied through dust, bringing in a Holy birth
    Born after the seventh day, a fresh breath of life
    It was better to have a helper, from his flesh came the first wife
    Everything created well, only the serpent made more cunning.
    Instead of taking the time to listen, they should have been running.
    Being deceived to eat of the fruit, good and evil became of knowledge
    Maybe that’s the reason education is being preached, everyone needs college
    First river, first animal, first love, first tree, I wish I could have seen the first smile
    First sin, first non-compliance, first disobedience all came from the first child


    First Child
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  8. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Fairy - ok...i had issues with the wording in this. Lines like "People dying or dead the smell of rancid decay" read awkwardly then there were lines like "Hundreds would perish and be laded to rest" that seemed a bit redundant. Besides that, i enjoyed this. I'm happy you shortened your lines and fixed the flow. The story moved along nicely and wasn't a boring read. good work here.



    Muti - I really loved how you used your words.. Words like 'agape love' brought different type of love that people don't really use much outside of the bible. however, i felt like you were missing a lot of depth for me. You vaguely described the creation of life from a biblical standpoint. You have to be careful with writings like this because Atheist tend to hate these types of stories. Still i enjoyed this.


    V/ Fairy for having a complete story
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  9. Got Life?

    Got Life? Resident Megalomaniac

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    vote = Fairy

    Fairy - If you would count the syllables in your lines you'd see why your flow was off. Your wording is really awkward at times. The story was fairly original though. You definitely touched on a topic that you either read up on or looked into and it was fairly refreshing. Also a nice way to incorporate the picture.

    Multi - These lines were stretched and the story didn't go anywhere. It seems like the verse was wider than it was long and it just read as such a stretched and undeveloped verse. This needed a lot more development to the story to hold any weight in this tournament.
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  10. Nu'maaN

    Nu'maaN Anu'naki, Nuqqa.

    Joined:
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    fairydance.
    nice haunting piece, fit well with the picture you used too. always saw that photo to be pretty haunting, and you pulled it off pretty well with nurse scott. there was no real rhymes that stood out to me though, which isn't a bad thing, just means as a whole piece in its entirety, it was pretty solid.

    muti.
    absolutely loved the fucking topic you chose for the title "first child". didn't ever think to relate it to adam, and i wish oh so badly i wish you used alot more scripture passages to make this piece alot more solid. it's about the ancient adam and eve story, but the words you used weren't really ancient at all. despite that i really like the story, and the way i read it probably meant that i didn't find the verse outstretched as some others did.

    my vote.
    would've loved to give this vote to muti, but he didn't really go through with the story as well as i thought he would. but that's not to take anything away from the quality of fairy, both nicely done. vote goes to fairy.

    :numaan:
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  11. Mrjdm998

    Mrjdm998 New Member

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    Fairy's story was much better developed to me, and that's the most important thing usually. If the story doesn't go anywhere, it's not going to entertain the reader. Add in stretched out lines, and I feel Fairy got this quite comfeterbly.

    Vote: Fairy
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  12. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Fairy - I feel like I've heard this story before on ghost hunters lol. it was very similar to one i saw on there. anyway, this was a really good story. the issue i had with this verse was the rhymes disappeared at one point. demeanor/schizophrenia dont rhyme. but i liked the shorter lines in this verse.

    Muti - to me, this was too short to really develop the idea that you were going for. it seemed like you just breezed through it. Also towards the end your lines started to get really stretched. I did however like your vocab. The story itself kind of bored me since it wasnt really a topic I'm in to.

    vote- fairy
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  13. breathlesss

    breathlesss Registered Sex Offender

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    Fairy...seriously, who raps about tuberculosis...and does it well..you i suppose, i mean, there's really no criticism here to give, other than the blue font, i didn't like that. but yea, that was a pretty on point piece there


    and Muti...i really liked how you twisted the first child thing a little to a creationy like thing, at the beginning i wasn't gettin' into it, but you managed to keep my attention throughtout, the rhyming was sorta mediocre, not bad, but yea, decent job all around

    vote = fairy
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  14. Shadow

    Shadow Kotaro's Master

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    Fairy wins 6-0
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  15. Tacky Jones

    Tacky Jones www.TaCsmassivecock.gov

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    Fairy wins 6-0
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